I'm Pee'd off at More Bad Parenting

little laker · 10-09-2009, 05:31 AM

Sorry, I'm stressed out, and feel that writing this may help.

My mom, 72 years old, with heart problems has been in the hospital, 3 hours from here since Tuesday. due to bad parenting

Although the mother of the children, whom I'm calling a bad parent is a nice enough woman, and a friend of my moms. She has just never taught her 5 children any sort of self control.
Which I imagine is why one of her children was taken away from her

On Tuesday, one of the children jumped HARD onto my mom, injuring her shoulder.
I haven't been able to talk to my mom personally yet, so I haven't the faintest idea of the extent of her injuries, however the hospitals here don't hold patients for minor injuries. (I was pushed out the door with a broken back, and several broken ribs after 4 days, 6 years ago, when the medical system was better)

I honestly in a way feel sorry for both the mother and her children. Like I said, she's a nice enough woman, however the mom has made some bad choices in life. I know that she's been looking for a good man, however she's lonely. So she's been getting together with whoever gave her any attention... All the wrong men (I know of a few drug addicts, whom have just used her).
Making things even worst, she still allows them to hang around knowing what they're like.
As a result no decent man wants her in their lives.
So her children can't learn what's right by example.

In a way I suppose that I'm partially responsible. She's been after me, since the day we met, and I'm one of the people who wants nothing to do with her

So, as a result as far as she knows I'm happily involved with some woman.

I'm hoping that her children will learn from what happened to my mom. However I honestly feel that the situation wouldn't have happened with proper parenting.

I'm stuck working until Monday, when I'll drive up an give mom a visit. I'm hoping that she'll be out of the hospital, and feeling better by then.

*mel* · 10-09-2009, 05:54 AM

Okay I'll agree with you here. Letting your kids physically jump all over another person would qualify in my book as bad parenting. I'm sorry for your mom's injury. I hope she recovers quickly.

little laker · 10-09-2009, 07:22 AM

Originally Posted by mel

I'm sorry for your mom's injury. I hope she recovers quickly.

Thanks Mel,
I'm sure that my mom will be fine.
Honestly she's tough, after all, she had to raise me

*Ratmagiclady* · 10-09-2009, 11:04 AM

Well, I'm not in too much of a hurry to make the traditional tut-tuts about individual families' childrearing. Fact is that this plague of ADHD and such I see among the kids is no respecter of any particular parenting styles.

Fact is, the children are over-controlled, over-supervised, over-stimulated, and under-exercised. Forget about everyone being way over-toxified.

Children are more than small people with developing brains, they're *developing animal organisms,* made to orient to nature and cause and effect. We put them in boxes, turn on the bright flashy lights of one kind or another and think drilling rules and moralisms into their heads (which only end up teaching that the world's arbitrary and on an instinctive level 'not worth paying attention to') is a substitute for allowing these organisms to develop in any kind of self-regulating way.

All the while of course, getting further and further from supplying the real nurturance needs of social creatures like we are. All human contact gets sexualized, then stigmatized *as* sexualized, and there's further retreat from being able to recognize cues of what's appropriate, never mind orient to their surroundings.

The kids. And their instincts. Are *screaming.* We're just so inured to it that it seems no one notices.

The 'worse-behaved' they get, of course, the more control is exerted, ...how they 'should' behave in some minds is so divorced from reality that people are putting their kids on cocktails of meds just in hopes they can cope.

Doesn't matter how 'disciplinarian' people are, unless you want your kids just *cowed and angry and learning to continue abusive cycles* ...or how 'permissive' they are if it just leaves the kids on some levels *alone,* overstimulated and confused about what in all the chaos is supposed to be 'important...'

The issue's a lot bigger than just saying, 'You must be a bad parent.' It really takes a village. Frankly, I'm a bit spooked what this generation now in Keds or whatever might do.

little laker · 10-09-2009, 11:05 AM

I got off the phone with mom, still in the hospital, not too long ago.
It sounds like she'll be released sometime today.
I guess that the stress caused a minor heart attack

I'll see her on Monday. Winter is approaching faster than expected, so If I can I'll try helping her winterize a few things around her house.
Although I'm limited with my own health problems, so I can't do much.

*Ratmagiclady* · 10-09-2009, 11:10 AM

Originally Posted by little laker

I got off the phone with mom, still in the hospital, not too long ago.
It sounds like she'll be released sometime today.
I guess that the stress caused a minor heart attack

I'll see her on Monday. Winter is approaching faster than expected, so If I can I'll try helping her winterize a few things around her house.
Although I'm limited with my own health problems, so I can't do much.

Oh, Lady. Well, I'm sure you could convey that a whole bunch of random photo people are having a good thought for her recovery.

*graphicgr8s* · 10-09-2009, 11:11 AM

Originally Posted by little laker

I got off the phone with mom, still in the hospital, not too long ago.
It sounds like she'll be released sometime today.
I guess that the stress caused a minor heart attack

I'll see her on Monday. Winter is approaching faster than expected, so If I can I'll try helping her winterize a few things around her house.
Although I'm limited with my own health problems, so I can't do much.

Stu just a thought but what about having your mom stay with you for a spell?
Back in the 90's I had my grandfather stay with us because he was unable to take care of himself correctly. And I couldn't make the drive every weekend to be there. Found it easier to have him live with us. During the summer he went up north and stayed with my mother.

*mel* · 10-09-2009, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by Ratmagiclady

Well, I'm not in too much of a hurry to make the traditional tut-tuts about individual families' childrearing. Fact is that this plague of ADHD and such I see among the kids is no respecter of any particular parenting styles.

Fact is, the children are over-controlled, over-supervised, over-stimulated, and under-exercised. Forget about everyone being way over-toxified.

Children are more than small people with developing brains, they're *developing animal organisms,* made to orient to nature and cause and effect. We put them in boxes, turn on the bright flashy lights of one kind or another and think drilling rules and moralisms into their heads (which only end up teaching that the world's arbitrary and on an instinctive level 'not worth paying attention to') is a substitute for allowing these organisms to develop in any kind of self-regulating way.

All the while of course, getting further and further from supplying the real nurturance needs of social creatures like we are. All human contact gets sexualized, then stigmatized *as* sexualized, and there's further retreat from being able to recognize cues of what's appropriate, never mind orient to their surroundings.

The kids. And their instincts. Are *screaming.* We're just so inured to it that it seems no one notices.

The 'worse-behaved' they get, of course, the more control is exerted, ...how they 'should' behave in some minds is so divorced from reality that people are putting their kids on cocktails of meds just in hopes they can cope.

Doesn't matter how 'disciplinarian' people are, unless you want your kids just *cowed and angry and learning to continue abusive cycles* ...or how 'permissive' they are if it just leaves the kids on some levels *alone,* overstimulated and confused about what in all the chaos is supposed to be 'important...'

The issue's a lot bigger than just saying, 'You must be a bad parent.' It really takes a village. Frankly, I'm a bit spooked what this generation now in Keds or whatever might do.

Having a few kids myself with my own share of parenting challenges, my issue with this isn't an matter of over-controlling children or whatever. I am probably the epitome of "slacker mom" when it comes to that. However, my boys DO know, that it is not polite to jump on people, especially grown ups, to whom you are not related.

And as a parent, it was my place to know what my kids could handle and what they could not. If they could not control themselves while visiting with other people, we would not visit with other people until they were able to control themselves. That was that. It was also my place to understand that a good running around on a playground for an hour went a long way to helping them be able to control themselves.

I don't think that ADD is a legitimate excuse for bad manners.

Good luck with all Stu.

*Ratmagiclady* · 10-09-2009, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by mel

I don't think that ADD is a legitimate excuse for bad manners.

Definitely not saying *that.* I just think that the epidemic of ADD means there's a lot more at play here than individual parenting styles.

When I was helping raise a daughter, she was a bit of a wild child, before I came along. Honestly, *nothing* like I see out of some kids today. (Actually, she showed a *fierce* empathy for anyone and everyone, and from *there* seemed to think most of the rules and tasks set before her were maybe not worth much attention. I was always proud of that on the one hand, and on the other hand *terrified* that if she said or did the wrong thing she could be taken away by the nearest straight Christian. We had no money to defend ourselves, and it was hard for that fear not to come out at times. Primal sort of fear: ' If you don't act right, you're in Danger.' Something that helped me understand some of the uncalled for stuff *I* went through when I caught it on my own lips. )

Most of this overstressed society, well, resorts to trying to control the *symptoms* of this strange place we've built, by one means or another, cause what can one family *do?*

It's not about excuses. Solutions... That could take a hard look at ourselves.

*mel* · 10-09-2009, 12:00 PM

Originally Posted by Ratmagiclady

Definitely not saying *that.* I just think that the epidemic of ADD means there's a lot more at play here than individual parenting styles.

When I was helping raise a daughter, she was a bit of a wild child, before I came along. Honestly, *nothing* like I see out of some kids today. (Actually, she showed a *fierce* empathy for anyone and everyone, and from *there* seemed to think most of the rules and tasks set before her were maybe not worth much attention. I was always proud of that on the one hand, and on the other hand *terrified* that if she said or did the wrong thing she could be taken away by the nearest straight Christian. We had no money to defend ourselves, and it was hard for that fear not to come out at times. Primal sort of fear: ' If you don't act right, you're in Danger.' Something that helped me understand some of the uncalled for stuff *I* went through when I caught it on my own lips. )

Most of this overstressed society, well, resorts to trying to control the *symptoms* of this strange place we've built, by one means or another, cause what can one family *do?*

It's not about excuses. Solutions... That could take a hard look at ourselves.

Many so-called traditional families with that fear as well. There is a certain element of society that feels that it is their place to snoop hugely on others and run to the authorities over every little thing that does not agree with their delicate sensibilities.

The epidemic of ADD? Well as the parent of 5 boys I have my own theories on that as well but that's a whole 'nother thread.

Parallax · 10-09-2009, 12:09 PM

There is no epidemic of ADD. There is an epidemic of doctors diagnosing ADD for the convenience of the parents and the schools. Once the kid is diagnosed, the drugs mellow him out enough that schools can control the behavior more easily and the parents are off the hook totally for having to take any responsibility for how he develops.

*Ratmagiclady* · 10-09-2009, 12:23 PM

Originally Posted by mel

Many so-called traditional families with that fear as well. There is a certain element of society that feels that it is their place to snoop hugely on others and run to the authorities over every little thing that does not agree with their delicate sensibilities.

The epidemic of ADD? Well as the parent of 5 boys I have my own theories on that as well but that's a whole 'nother thread.

Well, heheh. You could have like a whole basketball team there.

My Dah had a whole lot of brothers, and always seemed to think it was on the whole a good experience.

Probably could have used the backup, myself. Imagine that. I'd have been frickin' incorrigible.

(And I know, everyone's worried, 'But how will the gene pool get by without you, RML. ' ...Fear not. Plenty more where I came from.

)

*Ratmagiclady* · 10-09-2009, 12:24 PM

Originally Posted by Parallax

There is no epidemic of ADD. There is an epidemic of doctors diagnosing ADD for the convenience of the parents and the schools. Once the kid is diagnosed, the drugs mellow him out enough that schools can control the behavior more easily and the parents are off the hook totally for having to take any responsibility for how he develops.

Actually. Mark my words: This is problematic.

And I do mean, you can say 'bad parenting' while trying to simultaneously impose a 'Leave It To Beaver' picket-fence nuclear family ideal on entirely different economic circumstances till you're blue in the face. It's not going to work out.

*graphicgr8s* · 10-09-2009, 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by mel

Many so-called traditional families with that fear as well. There is a certain element of society that feels that it is their place to snoop hugely on others and run to the authorities over every little thing that does not agree with their delicate sensibilities.

The epidemic of ADD? Well as the parent of 5 boys I have my own theories on that as well but that's a whole 'nother thread.

Well here in FLA we have the DCFS affectionately known as the "Florida Gestapo" to take kids away

little laker · 10-09-2009, 11:04 PM

I'd like to thank everyone for their responses.
I just got in from a very long day, and need to rest up before opening the lab an hour early tomorrow morning. So I haven't really had the chance to read them yet.
I will tomorrow, when I have some more energy.

Originally Posted by graphicgr8s

Stu just a thought but what about having your mom stay with you for a spell?
Back in the 90's I had my grandfather stay with us because he was unable to take care of himself correctly. And I couldn't make the drive every weekend to be there. Found it easier to have him live with us. During the summer he went up north and stayed with my mother.

That's a good idea graphic's.
After all I have more room than I know what to do with. Plus her older brother lives 2 minutes from my house, and her sister lives 30 minutes on a good day away.
As an added bonus there's 2 hospitals within a 30 min drive, and good doctors.
However I've already gave her an open invitation, and she's turned it down so far.
We're all hoping that she'll sell her place soon, then just move closer.
At least she'd have help, if she lived closer.
Due to my career, and physical limitations I can't move closer to her, and even if I could I can't help her with what she needs.