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02-02-2011, 09:40 PM - 1 Like   #1
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John Cleese on Threat Levels

From the BBC - by John Cleese.
ANNOUNCEMENT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is canceled."

And finally Canada is at "That's not nice and please stop" threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.

02-02-2011, 10:05 PM   #2
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QuoteOriginally posted by Wheatfield Quote

And finally Canada is at "That's not nice and please stop" threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.
Ah yes, the Canadian threat levels!

"No problem eh!?"
"That's not nice and please stop"
"Apologize to terrorists we offended by asking them to stop"
"Give citizenship to the terrorists we offended and give them welfare and medicare"

Welcome to Canada!

Pat
02-03-2011, 11:41 AM   #3
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Pretty funny, but: Terrorism alert satire attributed to John Cleese - snopes.com
02-03-2011, 12:13 PM   #4
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QuoteOriginally posted by Wheatfield Quote
And finally Canada is at "That's not nice and please stop" threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists
The real reason is that having only one level means there is no cost involved in either changing the level or maintaining it. The only alternative was to buy a used threat level from another country and although the Americans had one for sale 'The British are Coming" was both confusing and still too expensive.

02-03-2011, 01:13 PM   #5
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Or maybe they thought that changing something would give the quebequois a new argument to stand out and make a nationalist point out of it (since they abandonned their "revolution par le haut" and embraced economic neo"liberalism" they are in desperate need of a way to differentiate themselves, their 400 year old french isn't enough anymore).
02-03-2011, 01:26 PM   #6
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QuoteOriginally posted by redrockcoulee Quote
................the Americans had one for sale 'The British are Coming"..................
Actually, we had two; "The British are coming" and "Oh crap! Here they come again."
02-03-2011, 01:28 PM   #7
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Whatever the authorship, it's a collection of scurrilous national stereotypes (and very pretty damn funny, I might add.)

02-03-2011, 01:40 PM   #8
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
Actually, we had two; "The British are coming" and "Oh crap! Here they come again."
Wasn't "Here they come again" when the Beatles landed for the first time?

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02-03-2011, 01:46 PM   #9
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QuoteOriginally posted by redrockcoulee Quote
the real reason is that having only one level means there is no cost involved in either changing the level or maintaining it. The only alternative was to buy a used threat level from another country and although the americans had one for sale 'the british are coming" was both confusing and still too expensive.
lmao :d
02-03-2011, 01:48 PM   #10
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QuoteOriginally posted by ve2vfd Quote
Wasn't "Here they come again" when the Beatles landed for the first time?

Pat
Okay, so three alerts then.
02-03-2011, 07:33 PM   #11
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QuoteOriginally posted by ve2vfd Quote
Wasn't "Here they come again" when the Beatles landed for the first time?

Pat
Ah, 'Moral Panic.' They can have those at any alert level.

We had a good laugh about the Scots bit, though.
02-03-2011, 10:23 PM   #12
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QuoteOriginally posted by Ratmagiclady Quote
Ah, 'Moral Panic.' They can have those at any alert level.

We had a good laugh about the Scots bit, though.
My ancestry is Scottish as well.

Whether it came from Cleese or elsewhere, I neither know nor care. My wife sent it to me and I just copied it whole from the email to the post.
02-03-2011, 11:01 PM   #13
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QuoteOriginally posted by dadipentak Quote
Whatever the authorship, it's a collection of scurrilous national stereotypes (and very pretty damn funny, I might add.)
Too bloody right mate! absolutely scurr, err scuorer...err,, bloody offensive!

We never EVER cancel a Barbie, for any reason ..... (other than running out of beer, and Aussies never run out of beer )
02-04-2011, 07:34 AM   #14
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I would like to retract my statement that the "British are coming" would not be of use to Canadians. I forgot about the Royal visits where when they are announced have 10% of the population excited, 10% stating their distain for the monarchy and the rest simply saying "whatever, but it better not be during the playoffs"
02-04-2011, 10:21 AM   #15
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QuoteOriginally posted by Wheatfield Quote
My ancestry is Scottish as well.

Whether it came from Cleese or elsewhere, I neither know nor care. My wife sent it to me and I just copied it whole from the email to the post.

My ancestry is also Scottish...had a good chuckle about the 'Scottish rage'....

Very funny piece and certainly has the John Cleese ring to it.
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