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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Introducing a new wrinkle into the already fraught fiscal cliff showdown, a consortium of billionaires today warned that if their taxes are raised they will no longer have enough money to buy politicians.

The group, led by casino billionaire Sheldon Adelson, commissioned a new study showing that the cost of an average politician has soared exponentially over the past decade.

While the American family has seen increases in the cost of food, health care and education, Mr. Adelson says, “those costs don’t compare with the cost of buying a politician, which has gone through the roof.”

The casino billionaire points to his group’s study, which puts the cost of purchasing an average House member at two million dollars and an average senator at several times that.

“And let’s say you buy a senator like Jim DeMint and he decides to quit,” Mr. Adelson says. “Good luck trying to get your money back.”

The Vegas magnate complains that the media has ignored billionaires’ essential role in giving jobs to politicians who would otherwise have difficulty finding “honest work of any kind.”

“Billionaires are providing employment for a group of seriously incompetent and marginal people,” Mr. Adelson says. “You raise taxes on us, and who’s going to create those jobs? I really don’t think people have thought this through.”

Adding insult to injury for America’s billionaires, he says, “the simple dream of someday owning a President is slipping out of reach.”

“People think a billion dollars buys you a President, but they’re wrong,” he says. “It barely gets you a lemon like Mitt Romney.”



Read more: Billionaires Warn Higher Taxes Could Prevent Them From Buying Politicians : The New Yorker

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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In an extraordinary gesture of recognition for a losing Presidential nominee, Time magazine today named former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney Man of the Year 1912.

In a press release explaining its decision, Time’s editorial board wrote, “Even though his quest for the Presidency was unsuccessful, Mr. Romney’s ideas about foreign policy, taxation, wealth inequality, and women’s rights typified the year 1912 as no one else has.”

In giving Mr. Romney the nod, Time said that he beat out such other candidates for Man of the Year 1912 as Tsar Nicholas II of Russia, Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, and Edward Smith, captain of the Titanic.

“It was very close between but Romney and the Titanic guy, but we gave it to Romney because it took him slightly longer to sink,” Time wrote.

Mr. Romney could not be reached for comment, a spokesman said, because he was travelling around the world visiting his money.



Read more: Time Magazine Names Mitt Romney Man of the Year 1912 : The New Yorker

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MOUNTAIN VIEW, Cal. (The Borowitz Report)—While billions around the world await the Mayan Apocalypse this Friday with increasing dread, there is palpable excitement about it at the headquarters of Google, Inc., which is preparing what its C.E.O. is calling “our most awesome Google Doodle ever.”

“People are freaking out about the world coming to an end—I totally get that,” said the Google C.E.O. Larry Page in a conference call with reporters. “But at Google we view the Apocalypse as a unique opportunity. This company was founded with the goal to ‘organize the world’s information’ and we see the next three days as our chance to get that done.”

As for the marching orders that Page gave to Google’s team of designers: “The world is going to be destroyed and mankind will cease to exist. Make Google the last page they see, and give us one last chance to serve them tracking cookies.”

With the ancient Mayan prophets predicting that on Friday the earth will crash into a comet, collide with the planet Nibiru, or burn to a crisp in a mammoth solar storm, “our designers have had a lot of cool stuff to work with,” Mr. Page said.

Mr. Page said that a buzz-worthy home page is crucial to what he sees as Google’s final mission on Earth: “We want to communicate to billions of people that this is the last day of human history, so maybe they should finally sign up for Google Plus.”

When reminded that the end of the world would mean the end of Google, too, Mr. Page was philosophical: “As long as it also means the end of Apple and Microsoft, I’m fine with that.”



Read more: End of World Means Most Amazing Home Page Ever, Says Google : The New Yorker

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The race for the White House will most likely be “wide open” after Hillary Clinton serves her two terms as President, experts agree.

“What happens in 2024 is anyone’s guess—and if anyone tells you differently, they’re lying,” says political science professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. “The only thing we can say with any certainty is that Hillary Clinton will be elected President by a landslide in 2016 and reëlected by an even bigger margin in 2020.”

Mr. Logsdon says that possible Republican Presidential candidates in 2024 could include Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, with this caveat: “If any of those men have the misfortune of running against Hillary in 2016 or 2020, she will defeat them so soundly that their political careers will be finished and they will vanish from public life forever.”

As for the future of the Democratic Party after Hillary’s two terms are over, Mr. Logsdon offers this prediction: “I can tell you right now that Hillary’s Presidency will be so successful that she will usher in a Democratic dynasty of sorts. I’m not a betting man, but if I had to guess, I’d say that after eight years of Hillary there will be eight years of Michelle, then eight years each for Chelsea, Sasha, and Malia.”

But “not so fast,” says Democratic strategist Tracy Klugian, who believes such predictions sell Hillary short: “Assuming her current poll numbers hold up in 2024, I think it’s safe to say that Hillary Clinton will be the most popular President in U.S. history. In that event, the Twenty-second Amendment, which limits the President to two terms, will be repealed and Hillary will run again.”

Mr. Logsdon, however, scoffs at that scenario: “If the Twenty-second Amendment is repealed, Bill will run again.”



Read more: Race for White House Wide Open After Hillary Leaves Office in 2024 : The New Yorker