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12-20-2012, 02:33 PM   #1
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So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

Jesus' General: So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

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I'm convince by Brother Osmond, the Osmond Brother's, argument that the world will end, tomorrow. His evidence--there are 5 Saturdays, Sundays, and Mondays this month, planets will align with the Giza Pyramids, and the ancient Lamanite Mayans who knew Jesus, personally, said so--is irrefutable.

The prospect of the end coming so soon got me to thinking about what I've done with my life. My list of major accomplishments include: serving the Lord through this blogging ministry; shooting a man in Reno; seeing my Frito pie recipe published in a book; and making love to both Phyllis Schlafly and her pony. What more could a patriot want out of life?



Still there's one thing I haven't done: I haven't had a homosexual experience. Sure, I'm a veteran of many Spartan style wrestling matches and God's cursed me with more than my share of public restroom and locker room little-soldier-in-my-mouth accidents, but they aren't quite what I'd consider to be a genuine homosexual experience. I want that.

And I want to share that experience with someone like me, a warm, but rugged and, perhaps, clumsy patriot, someone like Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX). Unfortunately, he hasn't responded to my tweet inviting him to have a homosexual experience with me. I'm getting a little worried about it, because we need to get it done early, before the world ends, so I can go to Seattle to seek redemption and God's forgiveness from that guy who spanks men for money.

That's where you can help me. Tweet Rep. Gohmert, and plead with him to spend his final few hours on Earth engaging in a variety of homosexual acts with me. And hey, I'll need to give him something, you know, one of those presents you give on a date, something like a cactus or a box of 5.56mm NATO ammunition so if you have a few extra bucks, please hit the PayPal link above this post.


12-21-2012, 12:25 PM   #2
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Uh, Obama Behind Newtown Slaughter

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Uhhhh, it looks like we're still here. Yeah, uh, well, about yesterday's post, it was all just a test. Yes, that's it, a test. Rep. Gohmert and I just dressed up in Roman outfits and watched gladiator movies, nothing else. So don't believe a goddamn word Sgt. Cletis says about it. He's a goddamn liar. And goddamn it, I was drunk. So shut up. Oh, look at what Christian conservative investigative citizen-journalist Susan Shannon has learned about the Newtown murders:

QuoteQuote:
Friends. I believe there is evidence of more than one shooter. I believe this was a PLANNED event- specifically to get the UN Small Arms Treaty signed. The father of the shooter is Peter Lanza, rumored to be scheduled to testify on the international LIBOR scandal. Guess who else is rumored to be scheduled to testify on the LIBOR scandal? Father of the BATMAN theater shooter...
I believe our GOVERNMENT shot those kids and teachers and used Adam Lanza and his family to pull it off. They might have killed two birds with one stone. One: If these men are involved in the LIBOR scandal, they can manipulate their testimony. Two: they get gun control. How very, very clever and efficient of them, right?
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