[LeDave]

Have you ever been so afraid of failure, yet you can't find the strength to keep moving forward although it's all there and so clear for you to accomplish? I am having that trouble right now. I have recently changed my major to Software Development and the stress is just about the same level as any other major that I've tried to pursue in the past, Photography A.S., French, and Accounting. Every time I have to study, even if it's not much, it puts on a tremendous amount of strain on my body where I can't sleep and feel like a mess. I feel like I haven't slept for 3 days. I don't even know if I slept at all, I felt like I zoned out laying in my bed for hours trying to sleep. I wake up feeling exhausted. I typically can study a little or skim through most of a text book and still be able to get an A on my quizzes and exams. I can easily achieve my goal of getting my degree within a couple of years as long as I don't switch majors. Still I am unable to find the motivation and dedication to keep moving forward. I feel like failing is not an option yet that's my only option because I cannot grasp reality and do what I am supposed to do. I can't push any further. I am diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar. I feel like I can manage myself and the diagnosis fine and I have been taking my medication as prescribed. I don't know if it's my mental illness that has a role in how I feel and think about all this. I don't know what to do, I have always been this negative all my life. I have always thought negatively because every time I think positively, the negative always happen; And if negativity happens, it isn't as bad as I had originally thought it was, and feel better about myself. I am unable to endure life. I have never kept a job more than 5 months in my life and every time I work, I feel the same way about school or maybe worse.

What do you guys think of all this and what suggestions do you have for me? Any input on how to be more successful and how to find a way to get through school? Feel like posting here rather than anywhere else because I've been on PF for a long time and know you guys are very mature and smart. Not sure if posting it on another forum would help as much.

[Kozlok]

I'm not a life coach, and I'm not a psychologist, so don't take anything I say too seriously. It is possible that your problem stems from goal setting. You have changed majors several times, and you state that your goal is to get a degree. I believe many of our young people have been told that getting a degree is a goal, but that is a somewhat misguided view. You should decide what you want to BE. What do you want to actually do, and then you choose your education program to prepare you for that life. Don't take me to mean I don't value education, because I do. I have several advanced degrees, so there are people for whom degrees are the right choice, but far too many people are getting degrees just to have a piece of paper, not to prepare them for a lifetime career.

I'm a strong believer in the principles outlined in Steven Covey's book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and in my mind, the most critical step is what he calls "Begin with the end in mind". Having a degree is in itself of little value if it doesn't open the door for the next step. What is your end state goal? You will eventually be lying in your deathbed, looking back on your life, and you have to decide now what it is you will look back on. Make that decision now, execute that plan, live happy with no regrets, because you are living a purposeful life. Your purpose is to fulfill the destiny you have chosen.

All that said, your specific medical condition may be complicating things, but you will need to learn to deal with it, and you will still end up on that bed looking back on your life, and you still must decide what you want to look back on.

[Rob22315]

Try running 3-4 miles in the morning. Does wonders for your mood and concentration.

[Winder]

Fear of failure often causes people to freeze. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. A person fails because of a fear of failure.

Try to tackle goals in small pieces. Take small steps and the bigger goal is not a daunting. The old proverb about the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Don't worry about the 1,000 miles, just the next step. Its just like losing weight or managing money. What did you do today to move towards your goal? What happened yesterday is irrelevant and tomorrow isn't here yet. Just focus on today.

If you can't get motivated then you need a different goal. If you don't feel the passion then it will be a long road no matter how you do it. Once you find the passion for something its a different world.

My 1/3 of a cent.

[Deedee]

Hi,

So I was going to create a new thread, for what I am about to write.

Mind you, I read each and every line of what you wrote - I partly relate - However I partly don't relate. I am strange enough "Over Confident" that things will be fine in the end. I think what is the worst that could happen? Absolutely nothing! Life is worst as I take and and best as I take it. I am in the middle of crap - listening to music, breathing can provide for myself and my wife.

So anyways about the new thread that I was about to create - So bro being from the IT background myself, failing my CCNA and failing my CISSP in 2010. I now have given up on the freaking certifications. My wife kept the freaking CISSP book right in front of me to remind it and I just threw it behind the cupboard.

The post - I was listening to a Photography lecture, the trainer introduced this photo as one of the powerful photos:



I did more research as who this person is and came across this war veteran James Blake Miller part of US Marine.

Here is the associated video I found after doing a brief google search.

The Marlboro Marine - latimes.com

So I realized the amount of things that this person went through. I felt man this guy needs courage every single moment. Much more than what we see in a normal course of life. So I came to the forum to post it and then I see your post. Almost related.

So bro everyone's life is not a cake walk. Yes some people have better chances of meeting with success but then so what? Happiness and success is a state of mind and both can be achieved by you.

I just completed Executive MBA and I could not believe I could ever do it. After doing a FREAKING tech support job for 8 years. Although promoted and being best. It was really a load of crap. It has been 11 years since my first break through is completing my MBA.

So yes you can make it and continue everything you think is good for you, specially in the field of education. It is the best investment a man can make in life.

HTH.

[Tom S.]

School isn't for everyone, especially if you don't know what it is you want to do. Consider this: stop going for a while and look for work. Try to find out what you are really interested in and then pursue your degree. While I can't guarantee this approach works for everyone, it did for me, albeit a long time ago.

[LeDave]

Thanks a lot you guys. I feel a bit better now today, but I keep telling myself it is temporary. Living is a roller coaster with ups and downs. However to get the ups, you have to do something otherwise the downs will remain. I wrote a few things before about this; What's the point of life when success is all so uncertain? Life is uncertain of happiness but so certain of sadness. The point of living is absolute turmoil when it is uncertainty to obtain happiness after living up to everything life has to offer. Also wrote; Positivity is a fad existing to humanity only to mask negativity which is inevitable in standard society. And; It is a permanent feeling to temporary problems. These are permanent problems to temporary solutions.

There are a couple of things I wrote to help myself feel better that may also help you guys that feel the same way I do. It doesn't always work out for me but it's the best I can do; The lord created you not because he had a pre-set of fate for you to accomplish. He created you because he knew he wouldn't if it is everything in life you could not of handled. Also; Realizing I never had to prove anybody wrong, I only do it for myself. And; Life is too short to not want to believe in everything that you've always wanted to believe in. Even if it's something not many people have hopes for, even if it's something that seems impossible to obtain. A little bit of faith, a little bit of hope, and that puts you on the list to possibly one day achieve it. Better to die knowing you believed in something than to die knowing you did not.

Deedee, as selfish as it may sound, I am kind of glad I am not the only one around that feels this way, whether it's partial or all of it. Sure there are others around that I do not know of that possibly feels the same way we do, but I am glad that you, on PF can relate to me in some way.

Kozlok, Winder, and Tom S. - I feel that school is the only option, I am so certain that Software Development is what I want to do and IT is just what fits me. However I still struggle. I have tried taking a break from school and it made things worse. I feel like if I take another break, I will feel much worse. It's good to know that I am in school doing something and trying to pursue my future. I've heard of the term taking it a little at a time before, I think I've been doing that within the past few years because I have failed trying to make big leaps and taking it all in at once. Yet even the littlest of things puts a massive load of stress on me. I try telling myself that things will be better and it is only temporary, but I feel the things that will get better are temporary and the negative things are always there. I will try to tackle my fears but I felt like I've been trying to do that all my life. I have a serious amounts of nervousness going to class everyday and doing everyday things such as making phone calls and doctors appointments, and paying for simplest things at even gas stations. I start to tremble and shake uncontrollably. Before going to class, I have to do a bowel movement a few times and feel like I have butterflies while in class.

Rob, thanks for the input mate. I have jogged in the past before I picked up smoking. I used to be able to jog 9 miles non-stop. Now I can't even jog for half a mile without physically feeling like death has just taken over me; Meaning I breathe really hard and get headaches and puke from it. I also would love to try to pick it up again but the reading load with school is heavier than I've ever had before, so I need to stay focus and read and memorize terminology from Networking Systems, Windows OS, and C++ programming; my classes.

[Rupert]

People with years of experience and a wall full of degrees could do you very little good in a short reply here...or even a long one. While we all have good intentions, and want to help you, you need professional help we can't give. Get it! There is nothing wrong with seeking help from those that can provide it, it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
If I broke my leg, everyone here ( well, most?) would sympathize and offer advice, but none of them could make it heal. You need someone that can help you heal.

Regards & Best wishes on conquering your internal enemies.

[Tom S.]

What you are describing are anxiety attacks. Talk to a doctor - they can help you control them and make your life easier.

[grhazelton]

I admire your courage in sharing your problems with the group. Sometimes articulating problems is the beginning of the healing process, and the support and considered opinions of others can be really valuable.

Are your medications prescribed by a general practice MD or by a psychiatrist? My ex-wife was and still is bi-polar; this is a condition which demands more than a just course of lithium or Risperdol one of the newer treatments, as I'm sure you've discovered. If you haven't already, talk to a psychologist/psychiatrist, and if you don't feel comfortable with the first one try another. I can tell you from experience that talk therapy demands a certain comfort level with the therapist, and any therapist worth his/her salt won't be insulted if you decide to go to someone else. You might consider a men's therapy group, with the blessings of your therapist, of course! I was in a men's therapy group for some time dealing with the effects of my divorce, etc, and it is comforting to find that lots of guys have similar problems, and can help you deal with your own. For some reason I found it easier to talk about some issues in the group, than in my prior one on one sessions, even though I was generally comfortable with my therapist. Men's therapy groups aren't at all common, more the pity. I used the Samaritan Counseling Center in Athens, GA, while this is a looooong way from where you live Samaritan is a national organization. While they are religiously based I found them respectful of my personal faith, no god talk, if that makes a difference to you.

Tom S feels you have anxiety attacks, there are medications to help this, but a good therapist in addition to drugs is probably the way to go. Again, this is beyond the purview of a general practice MD. The drugs, one would hope, would give you the "breathing space" to deal with possible underlying causes for the anxiety, in a theraputic setting.

[Just1MoreDave]

Another reason to stay in contact with a psychologist/psychiatrist: your diagnosis is not a permanent judgment of your condition. It may change if someone else sees you, something happens in your life, or even the diagnostic criteria changes (happening now as DSM V rolls out). Your school may offer something or get you started on finding some help.

[arnold]

. I feel like failing is not an option

It may not be desired, but every venture has failure as a potential. Failure is NOT a reflection of your worthiness as a human, or a necessary impediment to your happiness. It takes courage to accept failure as part of the reality of living. Once you can accept that failure is not a threat to your self esteem, you will lose your fear of it. By embracing and wrestling with failure, should it happen, you will gain more strength than running away from it. It is about courage more than failure. Don't be afraid to fail.

[jsherman999]

Another reason to stay in contact with a psychologist/psychiatrist: your diagnosis is not a permanent judgment of your condition. It may change if someone else sees you, something happens in your life, or even the diagnostic criteria changes (happening now as DSM V rolls out). Your school may offer something or get you started on finding some help.

I was going to say something similar to this. ^^

LeDave, know this - your problems don't really have an external source. Your world is not as hopeless as you perceive, the 'good life' isn't always running away from you, just two steps ahead, always - you are seeing it that way, in error. This is good news.

You are almost assuredly living with a chemical imbalance, and this is leading to your diagnosed disorder and the things that come along with it, like anxiety and depression. You should be continuing with therapy, but also making damn sure your doctor knows your exact state of mind. He/she should probably look at changing your medication, or increasing it, or adding something to it.

And the suggestion about exercise is a great one. Exercise can have almost magical properties, affecting some of the same things SSIs and other drugs do - with even greater and longer-lasting effect.

One last suggestion - I notice your avatar - watch, but don't ever, ever, ever pin your hope for happiness on... The Vikings.

(PS: I speak as a lifelong Minnesota resident )


.

[grhazelton]

Hey LeDave -

I hope things are looking up for you. Hang in there.

[MRRiley]

I'll echo what several others have said or hinted at. You need professional help. At the very least you need to find a trusted adviser at the school who has experience dealing with the type of issues you have. And frankly you may just need to take some time off of school. Give yourself some time to figure out what you really want to do before committing time, energy and money to yet another aborted Major.

It is no sin to take a sabbatical or even drop out. Nor does it make you a failure. Everyone isn't cut out for academia... And there is more and more evidence that an associate degree in an applied field (such as Computer Science or Occupational Therapy) can be much more valuable to many people, in the long run, than the average Bachelor of Arts in a Humanities field like Photography, Poli Sci or French.

Also, it is well to keep in mind that we generally learn far more from our failures than from our successes.