[les3547]

Please Move the Deer Crossing Signs:

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[Unregistered User 8]

Sarah's old aunts would come and tease her at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
Sarah was able to put a stop to this very quickly once she started asking them the same question at funerals.




When the writer of ' The Hokey Cokey ' song died, it was a struggle getting him in the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and that's when the trouble really started.

[RichardS]

Sarah's old aunts would come and tease her at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”
Sarah was able to put a stop this very quickly once she started asking them the same question at funerals.

I have a real-life incident like that. My wife and I traveled to England in 2014 to spend time with our relatives. We particularly wanted to spend time with my father since he was getting a bit old (90) and we may not have many more opportunities. The day before we left Oz, I got an email to say that my father had been admitted to hospital with breathing problems. We visited him in hospital as soon as we got to England and he seemed to be getting better. Unfortunately, he died a few days later. We went to my middle brother's house after the funeral and my S-i-L remarked to her daughters: "Ah, well. He was the last of that generation. We're next." Her daughters were demonstrably upset. "Oh no, don't say that."

No daughters were emotionally harmed in this incident.

[les3547]

When the writer of ' The Hokey Cokey ' song died, it was a struggle getting him in the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and that's when the trouble really started.

Now that is dry humor (BTW, here in the US the song is better known as the "Hokey Pokey").

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[WPRESTO]

While on the subject of the "Hokey Pokey" I imagine many Pentaxians are long since familiar with the Shakespearean version composed in 2003 for a contest (it won - and has become famous).

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

[Parallax]

What's the ideal weight for a politician?
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About 3-4 pounds, including the urn.

[bigdavephoto]

What's the ideal weight for a politician?
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About 3-4 pounds, including the urn.

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The
bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one
gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the
bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's
on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender
asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were
through. 'Pack your bag's and get out!‚' I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Bad dog!‚"

Well....
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I think we have started down into the darkness now...
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What was Sally Ride's last word heard on the tapes before the Challenger blew up?
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What does this switch do?

[Rupert]

I keep watching this....hard to believe but it is real.....Sometimes the best joke isn't a joke at all!

Originally posted in the K3 thread by Voice of Reason....

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[audiobomber]

I keep watching this....hard to believe but it is real.....Sometimes the best joke isn't a joke at all!

I'm not so sure about that, I believe the caller is pranking the show hosts for a laugh. At one point she says she's 65, but her voice sounds like a younger woman.

[Rupert]

I'm not so sure about that, I believe the caller is pranking the show hosts for a laugh. At one point she says she's 65, but her voice sounds like a younger woman.

I'd like to think you were right, but anyone that is out and about to any extent at all knows people just this ridiculously ignorant of reality.

Just a week ago my barber told me we should be thankful our founding fathers brought our Constitution with them ....on the Mayflower. She was deadly serious. A friend of mine, an intelligent educated realtor has a coffee mug on his desk that has the logo..."I See Dumb People"....and he is not alone!
It is sad that many do not mind being so ignorant of the facts of life.....

Regards!

[MarkJerling]

One of my favourite joke has probably been placed here before, but here goes:

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One sale, sir."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$134,000."

Boss says "$134,000?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an 4x4 SUV ."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

[Parallax]

Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
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Because of all the sandwhichis there.

[Tonytee]

A middle aged couple were driving down the freeway one afternoon. The State Police pulled them over, the husband asks, Hello Officer, what seems to be the problem? Officer replied; Well, sir, I noticed a ways back there that your turn signal is out". The husband replied, "Oh no sir, I do not believe that is possible, because every time I plan on driving, I check every thing to make sure I am a safe driver." Now his wife decides to lean over and chimes in, " Officer, that is just not true, I have been after him to get the turn signals fixed before he has a problem." The husband turned to his wife and in a controlled volume states, "Will you please keep your big mouth shut until this is over?" Was there anything else, Officer?". "Yes sir, there is, I noticed that you had exceeded the speed limit a few miles back." "Oh no Officer sir, you see I always check my speedometer when I see a speed limit sign and I am always just under or right at the speed limit indicated." Well, unfortunately, the wife again leans over and blurts out to the officer; Officer, I am sorry, but I am forever telling my husband to slow down, but he refuses to listen to me." Again the husband turns to look at his wife and in a much higher volume voice says; @#@#@#, once again, please keep your big@#@#@#mouth shut until this is over?" The husband turned to the officer and asks, "Was there anything else officer sir?" The officer replied, "Ah, yes sir I also noticed that when I was pulling you over you had hurriedly fastened your seat belt, which means your seat belt was not fastened prior to my pulling you over." "Oh no, Officer sir, You see, every time I get into my car, I always make sure to fasten my seat belt before starting my engine." Yup, you got it, his wife again leans over and chimes in; "Officer once again I am sorry, but I am forever telling him to fasten his seat belt."

You are right again, the husband, now furious at his wife, turns loose on her and starts screaming at the top of his lungs at her to keep her @#@#@mouth shut until this is over. Well, the Officer witnesses this tirade by the husband, walks around to talk to the wife and asks: "Oh, madam I cannot believe his anger, does he always talk to you like that?" The wife replied, " Well, not always, only when he's been drinking." ))

Rgds,

Antonio

[ivanvernon]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he announces.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks away. Soon, though, she decides there is no one else worth talking to, so she goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"



"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it. "You have to do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, and again, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back.
Amazed, the woman immediately wants to try it, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets several stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.



The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, you're a real a–hole when you're drunk, Superman!"

---------- Post added 08-01-16 at 05:29 AM ----------

Cop pulls this old red neck over and tells him, hey, you know your wife fell out of your pickup about four miles back.

Thank God sez the old red neck. I thought I'd gone deaf!

[Transit]

K-1 user visits Tour de France...
Froome sees him, ditches bike and runs past to help him out