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08-09-2016, 09:06 AM - 2 Likes   #181
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QuoteOriginally posted by WPRESTO Quote
URINE = opposite of you're out
There is a homonym to urine in that context.
URINE = The opposite of mine.

08-12-2016, 06:18 PM - 3 Likes   #182
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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English , nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

08-12-2016, 07:56 PM   #183
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
There is a homonym to urine in that context.
URINE = The opposite of mine.
Oy vey.
08-15-2016, 11:12 AM - 2 Likes   #184
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A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing `The Green Green Grass Of Home'. If I see a cat then it's `What's New, Pussy Cat?' It's _so_ embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

The doctor, finishing his notes, looked up from his clipboard and replied, "Yes, it would appear that you have the early symptoms of `Tom Jones syndrome.'"

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.

Replied the doctor, "It's Not Unusual....."

---------------------------------------------------

(Sorry if this has been posted here before)

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 911.

"My friend is dead! What can I do?" he says.

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says,

"Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

---------- Post added 15-08-16 at 19:39 ----------

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

08-16-2016, 09:06 PM - 2 Likes   #185
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Three old men went to the doctor to prove they were still of sound mind.

The doctor asked the first, "What is three times three?", to which the man responded "487." The doctor's eyes went to the ceiling.

He asked the second man the same question, and the reply was "Tuesday".

The doctor asked the third man, who hesitated then answered, "Nine."

"Correct!" the doctor replied, relieved. "How did you get the answer?"

"Simple." the third man beamed, "I just deducted 487 from Tuesday."
08-17-2016, 12:32 PM - 4 Likes   #186
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Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
wrong but aren't going to give you the satisfaction of admitting it.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in "fine!" or "whatever.......".

4.) Whatever: Another argument ender meaning "just shut up, I'm through discussing this".

5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

8.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's
wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
08-18-2016, 01:56 AM - 1 Like   #187
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
Words Women Use:
For added fun, I'll include the following variations from my collection:

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Whatever: Is a women's way of saying .... YOU!

Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
08-18-2016, 06:07 AM   #188
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I'll add one to the list.


Will you help me.- You might as well do it because she is not going to lift a finger to do whatever she needs done.


My sister uses this one a lot. A whole lot.


Last edited by bigdavephoto; 08-18-2016 at 06:08 AM. Reason: Adding more
08-18-2016, 06:14 AM - 1 Like   #189
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Others:
1) I think the trash is starting to smell = Take it out NOW!
2) We're running short of milk = Go get some NOW!
08-18-2016, 06:20 AM - 1 Like   #190
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The words I hate most are "I'll be right there."
It means some time in the next 2 hours, I might turn up, or I might just forget completely. But if you stop by 15 minutes later to see if she forgot.. " I told you... I'll be right there. Don't rush me."

Last edited by normhead; 08-18-2016 at 07:51 AM.
08-18-2016, 08:43 AM   #191
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The presidential election always takes place during an Olympic year, so I propose a Decathlon for presidential candidates in the following sports:

1. FUNDRAISING
2. OBFUSCATION
3. INNUENDO
4. FACT-PICKING
5. DISSEMBLING
6. PREVARICATION
7. GAINSAYING
8. HYPERBOLIZATION
9. MEDIA-BASHING
and a continuous on-going competition in the most ancient of election competitions:
10 MUD-SLINGING*

Praise to the inventor of the mute-button.

*If you don't think this is a time-honored tradition, you need to read what opponents said of Thomas Jefferson and Andrew Jackson.
08-18-2016, 03:14 PM - 2 Likes   #192
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Public health

College pre-med major, realizing the chemistry course was getting a little tough, shouts up to the Chemistry for Pre-Med professor, "Hey what is this stuff good for anyway?"

"For public health reasons," the professor says back.

"How can a chemistry course be good for public health," smarts back our budding student doctorl

"That's an easy question," says the prof, "Keeps idiots like you out of medical school."
08-18-2016, 11:11 PM   #193
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With the "Words Women Use", over 35+ years of marriage I have listened and learnt. I deliberately use a lot of these words and phrases on women, including my wife, and enjoy seeing the effect that it has.Try it, doing this can be fun.
08-19-2016, 01:25 AM - 1 Like   #194
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QuoteOriginally posted by Metal278 Quote
With the "Words Women Use", over 35+ years of marriage I have listened and learnt. I deliberately use a lot of these words and phrases on women, including my wife, and enjoy seeing the effect that it has.Try it, doing this can be fun.
I've survived 46+ years of marriage because I don't do that!
08-19-2016, 01:31 AM - 1 Like   #195
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I've learnt that when my wife says: "We need to......." it means me. It means I'm going to paint the wall, prune the rose bushes, remodel the Kitchen, or whatever.
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