The Joke Thread

Racer X 69 · 02-29-2020, 04:47 PM - **3 Likes**

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

robtcorl · 02-29-2020, 05:51 PM - **12 Likes**

disconnekt · 02-29-2020, 07:52 PM

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

**carabez** · 02-29-2020, 07:57 PM

Originally posted by disconnekt

��

ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

**Tonytee** · 02-29-2020, 11:28 PM

Originally posted by Racer X 69

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Brilliant. Thank you.

TT

Racer X 69 · 03-01-2020, 07:06 AM

Originally posted by Tonytee

Brilliant. Thank you.

TT

You're welcome Tony.

Racer X 69 · 03-01-2020, 07:12 AM - **4 Likes**

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”

The friend says, “Why not?”

The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Racer X 69 · 03-01-2020, 07:14 AM - **6 Likes**

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Racer X 69 · 03-01-2020, 07:22 AM - **3 Likes**

Julia says to her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," James says, "I hardly know the girl."

lesmore49 · 03-01-2020, 08:21 AM

Originally posted by Racer X 69

Julia says to her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," James says, "I hardly know the girl."

Great jokes all of them and I even tell my wife...some of them.

Two questions....where do you get them from and how do you remember them all ?

Racer X 69 · 03-01-2020, 08:32 AM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by lesmore49

Great jokes all of them and I even tell my wife...some of them.

Dangerous territory Les . . . . .

Originally posted by lesmore49

Two questions....where do you get them from and how do you remember them all ?

I steal them from the internet, so I don't need to remember them.

But many I have heard before, and as soon as I read them my memory is refreshed.

Another:

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Racer X 69 · 03-01-2020, 08:33 AM - **2 Likes**

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Racer X 69 · 03-01-2020, 08:34 AM - **1 Like**

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, "And what does your daddy do?"

The girl replies, "Whatever Mummy tells him to."

Racer X 69 · 03-01-2020, 08:35 AM - **6 Likes**

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

Racer X 69 · 03-01-2020, 08:37 AM - **2 Likes**

On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Joseph responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

03-01-2020, 08:35 AM - 6 Likes	#2204
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,067	A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher." Last edited by Racer X 69; 03-01-2020 at 09:33 AM.

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02-29-2020, 04:47 PM - 3 Likes	#2191
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,067	Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

02-29-2020, 05:51 PM - 12 Likes	#2192
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606

02-29-2020, 07:52 PM	#2193
disconnekt Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: SoCal/I.E. Photos: Albums Posts: 1,699	😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

02-29-2020, 07:57 PM	#2194
carabez Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2017 Location: Cinco de Mayo Photos: Gallery Posts: 793	Originally posted by disconnekt �� ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

02-29-2020, 11:28 PM	#2195
Tonytee Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 21,461	Originally posted by Racer X 69 A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." Brilliant. Thank you. TT

03-01-2020, 07:06 AM	#2196
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,067	Originally posted by Tonytee Brilliant. Thank you. TT You're welcome Tony.

03-01-2020, 07:12 AM - 4 Likes	#2197
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,067	A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

03-01-2020, 07:14 AM - 6 Likes	#2198
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,067	A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

03-01-2020, 07:22 AM - 3 Likes	#2199
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,067	Julia says to her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?" "Gosh," James says, "I hardly know the girl."

03-01-2020, 08:21 AM	#2200
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,342	Originally posted by Racer X 69 Julia says to her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?" "Gosh," James says, "I hardly know the girl." Great jokes all of them and I even tell my wife...some of them. Two questions....where do you get them from and how do you remember them all ?

03-01-2020, 08:32 AM - 2 Likes	#2201
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,067	Originally posted by lesmore49 Great jokes all of them and I even tell my wife...some of them. Dangerous territory Les . . . . . Originally posted by lesmore49 Two questions....where do you get them from and how do you remember them all ? I steal them from the internet, so I don't need to remember them. But many I have heard before, and as soon as I read them my memory is refreshed. Another: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

03-01-2020, 08:33 AM - 2 Likes	#2202
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,067	Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

03-01-2020, 08:34 AM - 1 Like	#2203
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,067	A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, "And what does your daddy do?" The girl replies, "Whatever Mummy tells him to."

03-01-2020, 08:37 AM - 2 Likes	#2205
Racer X 69 Moderator Man With A Camera Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: The Great Pacific Northwet, in the Land Between Canada and Mexico Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 28,067	On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Joseph responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."