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03-11-2020, 03:04 PM - 13 Likes   #2326
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Today, the Marriage Councillor suggested that I treat my wife like we used to do when we were going out, before marriage.

So, tonight I'm taking her to Burger King and after that we'll do the dirty in the car and then I'm dropping her off at her mother's.

03-11-2020, 05:30 PM - 1 Like   #2327
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
It was around 45 F.

There were a number of Florida residents who were wearing parkas, gloves, etc.
I've seen similar behavior further South in Floriduh, near Stuart (not far from Miami). It was warmer, around 65 F, and the locals were wearing heavy coats and gloves.

Meanwhile I was walking on the beach barefoot in shorts.
03-11-2020, 05:32 PM   #2328
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
Okay, a bit of humor from the South Dakota:

60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in South Dakota plant gardens.


50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Sioux Falls sunbathe.


40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Aberdeen drive with the windows down.


32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Pierre gets thicker.


20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Huron throw on a flannel shirt.


15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Chamberlain have the last cookout before it gets cold.


Zero:
People in Miami all die.
South Dakotans close the windows.


10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Yankton get out their winter coats.


25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Sioux Falls are selling cookies door to door.


40 below zero:

Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Okay, a bit of hyperbole there. It would have to get MUCH colder than that.)
People in Watertown let the dogs sleep indoors.
Is this kelvin or rankine Jim?
03-11-2020, 06:57 PM - 2 Likes   #2329
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QuoteOriginally posted by Racer X 69 Quote
I've seen similar behavior further South in Floriduh, near Stuart (not far from Miami). It was warmer, around 65 F, and the locals were wearing heavy coats and gloves.

Meanwhile I was walking on the beach barefoot in shorts.
Our daughter and her family lived in Newfoundland for a few years. Snows an awful lot there, but the winter temperature although cold, is generally quite a bit warmer than the Western Canadian city she was born in...Winnipeg.

Winnipeg is known throughout Canada as 'Winterpeg'..due to the fact that it's the coldest major city (provincial capital) in Canada. It can get very cold here. She was shoveling snow at their home in Newfoundland and a Newfoundland passerby asked her...aren't you cold ? She was shoveling in jeans, a T shirt and a hoodie. She responded...'No, I'm from Winnipeg'. That was a sufficient answer for the Newfoundlander, who smiled and nodded in agreement.

03-11-2020, 08:42 PM - 13 Likes   #2330
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar. He finds his way to a stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

The woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy - do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters:
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
03-11-2020, 08:57 PM - 5 Likes   #2331
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QuoteOriginally posted by clackers Quote
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar. He finds his way to a stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

The woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy - do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters:
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
QuoteOriginally posted by MarkJerling Quote
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy; Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters:
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that I tell you a few things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
03-11-2020, 09:16 PM - 13 Likes   #2332
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QuoteOriginally posted by clackers Quote
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar...
I think of this one:

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
03-11-2020, 10:29 PM - 2 Likes   #2333
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QuoteOriginally posted by luftfluss Quote
Ah, shoot, this was always going to happen one day, since I copy and paste ones I like from all kinds of places into Evernote for future use.

Apologies to Mark, and to whoever he stole it from, too!

03-11-2020, 10:53 PM - 1 Like   #2334
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QuoteOriginally posted by clackers Quote
Ah, shoot, this was always going to happen one day, since I copy and paste ones I like from all kinds of places into Evernote for future use.

Apologies to Mark, and to whoever he stole it from, too!
Well, the joke stuck with me enough that I remembered it had been previously posted, so perhaps it deserved to reappear
03-12-2020, 01:24 AM - 1 Like   #2335
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QuoteOriginally posted by clackers Quote
Ah, shoot, this was always going to happen one day, since I copy and paste ones I like from all kinds of places into Evernote for future use.

Apologies to Mark, and to whoever he stole it from, too!
Seems like I stole it from @Parallax.

Still, it's a good joke and deserves to be posted again.
03-12-2020, 01:41 AM - 3 Likes   #2336
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QuoteOriginally posted by luftfluss Quote
OK, that's three times - only two to go.
03-12-2020, 02:00 AM - 3 Likes   #2337
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Two guys decide to go fishing in November. They strap the kayak to the roof bars, and drive to the lake, unload everything and paddle away from the bank. After a couple of hours, despite being well wrapped-up against the weather, they are feeling the chill more than somewhat. They return to the bank, collect some dried wood, load it into the vessel and head back to approximately where they were. Soon, the chill hits them again, and, using the dried wood, they start a fire to keep warm.

Unfortunately, this sets fire to everything, and they are forced to swim back, abandoning everything in their frantic attempt to reach dry land. Back in the vehicle, they drive to the nearest town, icy water dripping from them and puddling in the floor well. They find a coffee shop, and start to drink as much hot coffee as they possibly can, to stave off frostbite. Luckily, this works, and they are neither of them any worse off for their experience - but they have learned an important lesson :









You can't have your kayak and heat it.
03-12-2020, 06:24 AM - 3 Likes   #2338
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
Our daughter and her family lived in Newfoundland for a few years. Snows an awful lot there, but the winter temperature although cold, is generally quite a bit warmer than the Western Canadian city she was born in...Winnipeg.

Winnipeg is known throughout Canada as 'Winterpeg'..due to the fact that it's the coldest major city (provincial capital) in Canada. It can get very cold here. She was shoveling snow at their home in Newfoundland and a Newfoundland passerby asked her...aren't you cold ? She was shoveling in jeans, a T shirt and a hoodie. She responded...'No, I'm from Winnipeg'. That was a sufficient answer for the Newfoundlander, who smiled and nodded in agreement.

I was in Malaga Spain for christmas one year, my mom flew our family over as she was in Europe for the year doing research and she wanted to see the grand kids.

One morning we were put on the beach in our bathing suits, it was 72ºF kids were making sand castles, we were having the occasional dip in the Mediterranean. The whole beach other than us was pretty much deserted. A Spaniard dressed in heavy woolies came over to us and said "You're either Canadian or Dutch, they are the only ones who swim here this time of year."
03-12-2020, 07:33 AM - 5 Likes   #2339
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............................
03-13-2020, 11:19 AM - 2 Likes   #2340
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We are now in stage 3 with the corona in Finland.
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