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08-07-2020, 05:18 AM - 8 Likes   #2971
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'

08-07-2020, 05:19 AM - 7 Likes   #2972
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A man was telling his neighbour, " I just bought a new hearing-aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve-thirty."
08-07-2020, 08:00 AM - 1 Like   #2973
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QuoteOriginally posted by mkgd1 Quote
I had a physics teacher in Grammar School (UK high school) who was in the RAF coastal command in WWII. flying Sunderland flying boat Anti submarine patrols. One of the kids aksed him "did you drop bombs on the U Boats?
He said " No, we had huge cans of green paint. If we saw a periscope, we dropped paint on it, when they tried to surface, we would wait until they got up to 500 ft then shoot them down."
My grandad told me that one when I was about seven !
08-08-2020, 09:24 AM - 2 Likes   #2974
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​If any of you are considering getting married, consider the following before you do:



On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.

08-08-2020, 12:23 PM - 11 Likes   #2975
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Has this one been posted ?
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08-08-2020, 02:48 PM - 1 Like   #2976
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
My grandad told me that one when I was about seven !
Never mind, I still like it very much!
08-09-2020, 07:46 AM - 10 Likes   #2977
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08-09-2020, 09:24 AM - 6 Likes   #2978
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Let's eat Grandma.
Let's eat, Grandma.

Commas save lives...

08-09-2020, 10:12 AM - 2 Likes   #2979
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I'm sure everyone has seen this change in a telegram sent V-A-V someone on death row, somehow modified by a lover/friend/wife, someone.

Original: "reprieve impossible, to be executed"

Changed to "reprieve, impossible to be executed"
08-09-2020, 01:06 PM - 1 Like   #2980
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
Let's eat Grandma.
Let's eat, Grandma.

Commas save lives...

And sometimes they cost lives...
Panda: eats shoots and leaves
Panda: eats, shoots and leaves

08-09-2020, 06:38 PM - 1 Like   #2981
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QuoteOriginally posted by WPRESTO Quote
I'm sure everyone has seen this change in a telegram sent V-A-V someone on death row, somehow modified by a lover/friend/wife, someone.

Original: "reprieve impossible, to be executed"

Changed to "reprieve, impossible to be executed"
From what I recall, that is the classic Stalinist conundrum. The Russian language would allow that sort of thing quite easily apparently.

As an aside, this was illustrated in the file "Death of Stalin" where the sentence "No problem" was changed to "No, problem!". It's a very good film if you get the chance to see it, some of the little snippets in the film are based on real life twists that occurred around that time
08-09-2020, 07:18 PM - 11 Likes   #2982
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'





Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
08-10-2020, 08:05 AM - 1 Like   #2983
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QuoteOriginally posted by rod_grant Quote
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
Joke of the week!!
08-10-2020, 08:12 AM   #2984
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QuoteOriginally posted by rod_grant Quote
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
Joke of the week!!
I'll second that!

08-10-2020, 12:37 PM   #2985
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QuoteOriginally posted by Jean Poitiers Quote
Yeah, I remember that one ... and my dad even picked up a personal injury case due to a Firestone 500 failure of an RV on an Interstate.
It's there own fault for putting car tires on a RV
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