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A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
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If you are a George Carlin fan, this will should make your day
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
32. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... Does that mean that one enjoys it?
34. There are three religious truths:
*Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
*Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
*Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
---------- Post added 17-08-20 at 21:25 ----------
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the plow, she was feeling very pleased with herself not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped, the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice. The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going to K-Mart next.
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Originally posted by bxf 
Post #2728 by Parallax
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