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09-19-2020, 02:53 AM - 8 Likes   #3121
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
As a colleague once said as he was about to tuck into a big steak "I have delegated the responsibility for eating vegetables to those who are best at it - in this case a cow. My job is to appreciate the good job they did..."

09-19-2020, 09:46 AM - 9 Likes   #3122
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If you suck at playing the bagpipes.......that's probably why.
09-19-2020, 01:08 PM - 7 Likes   #3123
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A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane to land. Her daughter had just come back from abroad, trying to find adventure during her gap year. As the daughter was exiting the plane, Mom noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. Daughter introduced this man as her new husband. Mom gasped out loud in disbelief and screamed, 'I said for you to marry a rich Doctor .... a rich Doctor!
09-20-2020, 02:00 AM - 6 Likes   #3124
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Oh, what a tangled web we weave
When first we practise to deceive -



But, after practicing a while,
How vastly we improve our style.

09-20-2020, 05:27 AM - 10 Likes   #3125
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I don't mean to brag, but I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.
09-20-2020, 06:43 AM - 4 Likes   #3126
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QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
I don't mean to brag, but I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.
Yes, using the real ones is always more realistic.
09-20-2020, 01:05 PM - 17 Likes   #3127
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09-20-2020, 09:19 PM - 15 Likes   #3128
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40 please.”

The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich return to the same restaurant and the guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?”

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the guy.

“Me too,” says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.62.”

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the guy.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The guy sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

09-20-2020, 10:44 PM - 7 Likes   #3129
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I was in the produce section of my local supermarket and approached the store clerk.


" Excuse me, are these carrots genetically modified? "


" I'm not sure, but the taste is the same." replied the carrot.
09-20-2020, 11:50 PM - 5 Likes   #3130
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At a large grocery store a customer is looking for a watermelon, but finds none. He goes up to a produce clerk and asks if they have any watermelons and the clerk replies yes we just got a shipment in, but they're not unpacked yet and they're in the back of the store. Customer says I only want half a watermelon, can you cut one in half. Clerk says yes sir, no problem.

The clerk is in the back of the store, wrestling a watermelon out of the tightly wrapped shipping box. Another employee says to him, why don't you wait so we can get the packaging apart.

The clerk finally pops a watermelon out of the heavily wrapped packaging and replies to the other worker..."Because some moron customer wants a half watermelon ...now. ! ".

Just after this unfortunate sentence slips out the clerk realizes that the customer is standing...right behind him....and the clerk quickly says..." and this gentleman wants the other half of the watermelon ! "
09-21-2020, 03:09 AM   #3131
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him...
QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
At a large grocery store a customer is looking for a watermelon...
I found both of these jokes very funny, the first, second, and perhaps even third time

At this point, you may see limited reaction, because they've been around, in one form or another, several times
09-21-2020, 04:28 AM - 2 Likes   #3132
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
QuoteOriginally posted by bxf Quote
found both of these jokes very funny, the first, second, and perhaps even third time

At this point, you may see limited reaction, because they've been around, in one form or another, several times
New to me! And very funny!
09-21-2020, 05:15 AM - 2 Likes   #3133
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QuoteOriginally posted by bxf Quote
At this point, you may see limited reaction, because they've been around, in one form or another, several times
So what's your point? We shouldn't tell jokes here because someone may have heard them before? confused2
09-21-2020, 05:29 AM - 5 Likes   #3134
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Three men are in a prison, serving a long sentence. To pass the time, they tell each other jokes. As the years go by, they have learned all of the jokes by heart, so they start referring to them by number.
"53" one prisoner says, and they all giggle with laughter.
Another prisoner replies with "12" and they chuckle.
Finally, the third prisoner takes his turn. "19" he says, and is greeted by a chuckle from one prisoner, but the other is overcome with laughter and falls around on the floor laughing. When he has calmed down, the other two prisoners asked him why he laughed so much. "I've never heard that one before" he replied.

----

Alternate punchline:

So, he yells out "102!" and the place is dead quiet save for a few groans. Confused, he looks at his cellmate who is just shaking his head.
"Hey, what happened?"
"Well, some people can tell a joke, some people can't."
09-21-2020, 06:08 AM   #3135
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
So what's your point? We shouldn't tell jokes here because someone may have heard them before? :confused2:
Firstly, not a matter of "someone may have heard them before", but rather that they have already been posted here previously, and possibly more than once. More to the point, however, I was trying to explain why the very funny jokes may not get the response they deserve.
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