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10-15-2020, 03:06 PM - 16 Likes   #3241
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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him.....
....but they kind of taste like peppermint.

10-15-2020, 03:07 PM - 9 Likes   #3242
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A student decided to try out for the rugby team…
The huge university first year decided to try out for the rugby team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach.

“Watch this,” said the student, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred metre dash.

“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said. “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
10-15-2020, 03:08 PM - 15 Likes   #3243
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The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?"

“Fishing” , replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me”.

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the 8th", replied the old man.
10-16-2020, 10:52 AM - 8 Likes   #3244
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A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?" asked the salesman. She replied, "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

---------- Post added 10-16-20 at 10:54 AM ----------

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter — yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.” The agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”

10-19-2020, 02:02 PM - 4 Likes   #3245
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A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant. "Not Guilty, your honor." Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?" "Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime, gambling." "Gambling?" responds the prosecutor, "How so?" "Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'. That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
10-19-2020, 03:22 PM   #3246
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QuoteOriginally posted by Craigbob Quote

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter — yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.” The agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”
That reminds me of an acquaintance of mine who proudly kept all the airline luggage tags on his suitcase.I pointed out to him that wasn't really very helpful to the baggage handlers and he just shrugged commenting that wasn't his problem.When I suggested it wasn't a problem for the handlers if his luggage ended up in ???? he soon removed them.
10-19-2020, 11:05 PM - 5 Likes   #3247
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As they used to say:- British Airways Concorde - breakfast in London, lunch in New York. Baggage in Bermuda.
10-21-2020, 01:38 AM - 1 Like   #3248
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QuoteOriginally posted by StiffLegged Quote
As they used to say:- British Airways Concorde - breakfast in London, lunch in New York. Baggage in Bermuda.
British Rail had something similar "Breakfast in Birmingham, Lunch in London" to which some was added "Sick in Southend"

10-21-2020, 02:48 AM - 2 Likes   #3249
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QuoteOriginally posted by Liney Quote
British Rail had something similar "Breakfast in Birmingham, Lunch in London" to which some was added "Sick in Southend"
I always liked the one in the tiny toilet cubicles :

'Let the train take the strain'.

And the terse 'Gentlemen raise the seat' . Was this the BR definition of a gentleman ? Or possibly a toast in the Buffet Car (remember them ?) - a group standing there, glasses in hand, chorusing 'Gentlemen, Raise the Seat !' prior to quaffing their alcoholic libation.
10-21-2020, 03:09 AM - 7 Likes   #3250
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
I always liked the one in the tiny toilet cubicles :

'Let the train take the strain'.
That reminded me somewhat obliquely of this old joke:

Three Lawyers and Three Engineers were Traveling by Train to Conference

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them. "How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer. "Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers. When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed lawyers. "Wait and watch" answered an engineer. In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to the other toilet in the next car where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
10-21-2020, 05:13 AM - 11 Likes   #3251
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10-21-2020, 06:58 AM - 9 Likes   #3252
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FIRST TIME SEX
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
10-21-2020, 07:38 AM - 5 Likes   #3253
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A married couple were in dire straits financially, and eventually decided that the only solution was for the wife to provide intimate services in return for money. Thet Friday, the husband drove her to the agreed spot, then waited anxiously for the phone call to say she wanted to return home. He drove back, and she climbed into the front seat. Once home, he served her a resorative drink, then tentatively asked how it had gone. She said she was tired, but had accumulated £22.50 during the evening.

Her husband, while not wishing to criticise, felt this was not much help towards sorting out their finances, and gently asked 'Which of the mean guys gave you the 50 pence?'. She looked at him and replied






'Well, each of them'.
10-21-2020, 08:59 AM - 5 Likes   #3254
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A young Italian bride is to spend her wedding night at her mother’s house. The bride and groom retire to the bedroom, where the groom starts disrobing. He takes off his shirt, to reveal a hairy, muscly chest, and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama,
“Mama, he got a large hairy chest!”. To which Mama reassures the bride, to take it easy…

The groom then removes his trousers, to reveal a muscly pair of legs…and the bride rushes next door to tell her mama, “Mama, he got a great pair of legs!”. Of course Mama reassures the bride…

And then the groom removes his socks, to reveal one foot, and the other foot had been chopped off at the instep. Breathlessly, the bride rushes to tell her Mama, “Mama, Mama, he got a foot and a half”.

And then Mama steps up, and tells her daughter, “Stand aside, this is a job for Mama…”
10-21-2020, 12:49 PM - 1 Like   #3255
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QuoteOriginally posted by Craigbob Quote
Mama, Mama, he got a foot and a half
Being Italian, wouldn't the bride be more likely to say 45.72cm?
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