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10-21-2020, 02:31 PM - 9 Likes   #3256
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QuoteOriginally posted by Craigbob Quote

And then the groom removes his socks, to reveal one foot, and the other foot had been chopped off at the instep. Breathlessly, the bride rushes to tell her Mama, “Mama, Mama, he got a foot and a half”.
If she's complaining about that, is she lack toes intolerant ?

10-22-2020, 03:05 AM - 6 Likes   #3257
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
A married couple were in dire straits financially, and eventually decided that the only solution was for the wife to provide intimate services in return for money. Thet Friday, the husband drove her to the agreed spot, then waited anxiously for the phone call to say she wanted to return home. He drove back, and she climbed into the front seat. Once home, he served her a resorative drink, then tentatively asked how it had gone. She said she was tired, but had accumulated £22.50 during the evening.

Her husband, while not wishing to criticise, felt this was not much help towards sorting out their finances, and gently asked 'Which of the mean guys gave you the 50 pence?'. She looked at him and replied






'Well, each of them'.
I'll probably get banned for this but here goes.

Another couple were a bit short of cash, so they decide that the woman will "provide certain services" on a street corner as a way to make some cash. On the first night the woman stand on the corner and the husband parks around the corner. After a little while a bloke walks up to the wife and inquires if she offers certain services. She replies that she does, and the bloke asks how much for full sex. The wife asks him to wait for a minute while she walks round to talks to her husband. She asks the husband how much for full sex and the husband looks blank for a second then replies "$100".

The wife now walks back to the punter and tells him the price, the bloke thinks this is a bit steep so he asks how much for hand relief. Again the wife excuses herself as she checks with her husband, who tells her to ask for $50 this time.

The wife returns, tells the bloke the price, and he agrees to pay. In order to allow the wife to carry out the service, the bloke drops his trousers and underpants, at which point the wife asks him to wait for just one moment and runs round the corner.

She knocks on the car window and the her husband winds it down and asks "what is it now?". The wife looks at him and says "can I borrow $50?"
10-22-2020, 04:57 AM - 7 Likes   #3258
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Continuing the theme :

A man is waiting outside a ladies' clothing shop while his wife buys herself 'something special' for their anniversary, when he is approached by a lady of the night, who suggests they get together. He enquires the price, and is told £50. He apologises, saying he only has £10, and she leaves him. A few minutes later, he is rejoined by his wife, and, arm in arm, they stroll round the corner - there to find the lady who accosted him earlier.



She looks at him, then at his wife, and says 'You see ? That's what you get for £10 !'
10-22-2020, 06:03 AM - 2 Likes   #3259
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
Continuing the theme :

A man is waiting outside a ladies' clothing shop while his wife buys herself 'something special' for their anniversary, when he is approached by a lady of the night, who suggests they get together. He enquires the price, and is told £50. He apologises, saying he only has £10, and she leaves him. A few minutes later, he is rejoined by his wife, and, arm in arm, they stroll round the corner - there to find the lady who accosted him earlier.



She looks at him, then at his wife, and says 'You see ? That's what you get for £10 !'
In the version of that story I’m familiar with the man is named as Tony Blair (allegedly!).

10-23-2020, 12:49 PM - 7 Likes   #3260
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A man walks into the library and the librarian says "Third shelf from the top, aisle 4"
The man says "Have you got any books on mind reading please?"

An old man goes to the doctors complaining he hears music every time he puts his hat on. The doctor takes the hat into a back room and comes back out after a few minutes. The man puts his hat back on and says
"That's incredible, I can't hear music anymore. How did you do that?"
"Easy, I just removed the band."
10-24-2020, 02:05 AM - 2 Likes   #3261
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Chestnut corner :

A Frog and a Rooster walk into a library. The librarian, a relative of Doctor Doolittle, says 'How can I help you ?'

The Rooster says 'Book! Book, book, book !'

The librarian shows him a volume from the Animal Husbandry shelf, and the Frog says :




'Reddit ! Reddit ! Reddit !'
10-24-2020, 06:19 AM - 10 Likes   #3262
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two Hurricanes
The bartender says that'll be $20.20.
10-24-2020, 07:25 AM - 6 Likes   #3263
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A drunk enters the library and shouts, "A pint of bitter, please."
The assistant at the desk quietly tells him, "But sir, this is the library."
The drunk then whispers, "Oh, sorry. Shhhh.....A pint of bitter, please."

10-26-2020, 01:26 PM - 4 Likes   #3264
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A young boy walked up to my girlfriend and said, "Dump this idiot and be with me instead"
She said, "That's sweet but I'm twenty five and you're like .. eleven?"
He said, "And a half"
She said, "Well there you go then"
He said, "I was talking inches"
I haven't seen her since
10-28-2020, 09:35 PM - 12 Likes   #3265
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"I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me."
10-29-2020, 11:10 AM - 10 Likes   #3266
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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
10-29-2020, 11:30 AM - 9 Likes   #3267
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Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes

woman
how many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about three

woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip

woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, i suppose

woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5400 correct?
Man:
Correct

woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the
past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man:
Correct

woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and
after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years
you could have now bought an airplane?

Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No.
Man:
Where is your airplane?

Last edited by Racer X 69; 10-30-2020 at 04:39 PM.
10-29-2020, 12:18 PM - 5 Likes   #3268
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On a walking tour, I chanced to see
On a castle near Tranmere
A bright blue plaque, which read :
'The Duke Of Denbigh Was Born Here.'

Now, I've travelled far, and I've travelled wide
But ne'er can I recall
Of ever hearing of a Duke
Born halfway up a wall.
10-29-2020, 12:48 PM - 9 Likes   #3269
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I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.
It's a Bordeaux collie.

I recently read in one of the tabloids at the supermarket,
"Woman Gets Pregnant While Doing Lambada"
I guess that goes to show that the rhythm method just doesn't work!


The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice who was willing to work long hours for low pay.
"When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil and when I nod my head you hit it with this hammer," said the blacksmith to Murphy.
Murphy did as he was told and now he's the village blacksmith.
10-29-2020, 04:11 PM - 8 Likes   #3270
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A few wisecracks...
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