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11-02-2020, 11:07 AM - 19 Likes   #3286
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11-02-2020, 01:13 PM - 11 Likes   #3287
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Junk mail regularly includes catalogs with T-shirts that have clever or insulting things on them. Here's a sampling, some slightly modified. Chances are many if not all have been posted on this thread before, but I don't remember, and I'm allowed. Forgetfulness is a universally acknowledged privilege of age.

Bureaucracy – turning energy into solid waste since 1789
I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested.
FIGHT TRUTH DECAY
I for one, like Roman numerals
To the guy who discovered zero: thanks for nothing.
Punning is its own reword
Autocorrect can go to he’ll.
Using statistics to prove a point is mean.
When America tried switching from pounds to kilograms there was mass confusion.
I tried a chemistry joke but got no reaction.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Stay inside, social distance, clean yourself. Be a house cat!
My child has musical talent. Plays well with others.
MATH is the only thing that counts.
Instant human - - just add coffee.
The older I get, the better I was.
I thought growing old would take longer.
Why is no one around when I do something clever?
11-03-2020, 02:37 AM - 3 Likes   #3288
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My favourite, from many years ago :

Help restore the balance of Nature - make the human race an Endangered Species.
11-03-2020, 02:59 AM - 4 Likes   #3289
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Today, I asked the bathroom mirror 'Do I look my age ?'


It reflected, and said nothing.

11-03-2020, 10:53 AM - 8 Likes   #3290
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
11-03-2020, 02:15 PM - 6 Likes   #3291
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Just had an 'incident' in my local Lidl's. I have a notice on the back of my rucksack politely requesting people to keep two metres away. In the queue to pay, my items were on the conveyor belt, and I was patiently waiting for the customer before me to pay, keeping six feet behind her.

Two young lads (late teens - early twenties) came up behind me, started loading their goods behind mine, deliberately moving the separator bar, which I had placed some distance behind my last item, closer to my items and not only loading as close as they could get, but trying to push me forward physically.

I turned and faced them, and although 70, I can look firm and masterful when I wish. I said in a loud voice so that other customers, and staff, could hear, 'Back Off ! Either six feet behind me, or six feet down - I don't care !' They looked at me, grabbed their items and raced off to another checkout !

Was I joking ? You decide.
11-03-2020, 11:32 PM - 6 Likes   #3292
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QuoteOriginally posted by Craigbob Quote
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
And then there was the old bloke who walked up the receptionist, and asked to speak to the doctor. The receptionist asked him what the problem was and the old man said he was having trouble urinating. The receptionist said "you can't say that in this office, why didn't you just say you had a problem with your ear..?"

So the old bloke turned round, walked out the waiting room and then walked back in again. He walked up to the reception desk and said in a clear confident voice "Good morning, I would like to see the doctor please. I have a problem with my ear".

The receptionist looked at him and said "Certainly sir, can I ask what the problem is?

"I can't pee out of it...."

Last edited by Racer X 69; 11-04-2020 at 09:06 AM.
11-05-2020, 02:31 PM - 5 Likes   #3293
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My ex was such a terrible cook the flies got together and patched the hole in the screen door.

11-06-2020, 09:46 AM - 13 Likes   #3294
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11-06-2020, 02:33 PM - 9 Likes   #3295
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Archie was in the Southern General Hospital in Glasgow (Scotland...) after two heart attacks and a stroke. At 86 he was failing fast and the family were told to come in if they wanted to say goodbye. Gathering in the relatives' room they learned that Archie wanted two nurses as witnesses because he was going to tell the family what was in his will. As they all squeezed into the side ward around Archie's bed, he began:–
To my older son Wullie I leave the mansions on Nitshill Road.
"Thanks Dad!" Wullie answered, his eyes shining, and shook his father's hand

To my younger son Davie I leave the executive flats around Park Circus.
"Thanks Dad!" Davie exclaimed and hugged his father.

To my daughter Siobhan I leave the offices in the city centre and to my daughter Kirstie I leave the shops in the West End.
The girls, tears running down their faces, tenderly kissed Archie with joyful cries.
Ten minutes later, Archie suddenly sighed, breathed his last, and was gone. As the nursing staff expressed their condolences, they remarked how impressive a property portfolio their late patient had amassed and how hard he must have worked. Property? the widow retorted, Property??? Them were his rounds for cleanin' windows!!
11-06-2020, 03:21 PM - 4 Likes   #3296
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The beautiful young woman had been sentenced to hang for the heinous murder of her cheating husband

The morning of the execution, the warden asked the condemned woman if she had a last request "Yes sir, "she replied, "I’d like to be hung in the nude."

The warden thought the request unusual but agreed that she could be hung completely naked. As she stood at the gallows naked as the day she was born the warden could not help but be aroused by such a perfect body "You truly have the most beautiful body I have ever seen "the warden said.
The condemned women smiled brightly and said "it's yours if you keep your trap shut"
11-06-2020, 06:58 PM - 14 Likes   #3297
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Another one for the old folk.

A little old lady goes into her local bank, and tells the cashier she would like to withdraw $10. The Cashier smiles at her and says "I'm sorry madam, but any transaction less than $100 has to be done through the ATM..."

Little Old Lady thinks about this for a minute as a small queue starts to form behind her, then says to the cashier "when did that start"? The cashier is obviously keen to get the little old lady to move along, so she does her best customer service smile and says "I'm sorry that is bank policy, you would need to speak to the manager about that" and looks to the next customer in the queue.

Little old lady is not for budging, so she then says "well I'm not too sure I want to continue banking here if that is the case, please withdraw all of the money from my account". By this point the cashier just wants rid of the little old lady, so she quickly checks the account and notices there is over $300,000 in it. The cashier turns to the little old lady and says quietly "I'm sorry madam but we can't just do that now, you will need to arrange with the manager over there to withdraw your money and close your account".

Little old lady thinks for a second and asks "very well, so how much can I withdraw today". Chashier replies "your daily allowance is $3000 madam". Little old lady then replies "Then I want to withdraw that sum now please".

By this time the cashier is really trying hard to maintain her temper, and the queue is starting to grow, but she get the little old ladies $3000, counts it out in front of her, hands it over and says "is there anything else I can do for you today" through gritted teeth.

The little old lady takes $10, puts it in her purse and says to teh cashier "yes, I'd like to deposit $2990 please...."
11-07-2020, 03:43 AM - 7 Likes   #3298
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Another medical one :

A man goes to see his doctor, who asks what the 'issue' is. The man says that he keeps breaking wind, but fortunately there is neither scent nor sound.

The doctror asks if he can demonstrate, and after a minute the man announces he has succeeded. The doctor stands, goes to the implement cabinet and removes a large syringe.

The man, apprehensive, asks what the doctor is proposing to do with it.

The doctor says 'First I'm going to syringe your ears, then book you in for surgery on your nose.'
11-08-2020, 04:46 AM - 3 Likes   #3299
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
Another medical one :

A man goes to see his doctor, who asks what the 'issue' is. The man says that he keeps breaking wind, but fortunately there is neither scent nor sound.

The doctror asks if he can demonstrate, and after a minute the man announces he has succeeded. The doctor stands, goes to the implement cabinet and removes a large syringe.

The man, apprehensive, asks what the doctor is proposing to do with it.

The doctor says 'First I'm going to syringe your ears, then book you in for surgery on your nose.'
The variant on that, which has been posted in some form on this thread. is the old man in church with his wife who scribbles a note to her during a prayer: "I just passed a big silent fart, what should I do?" She scribbles back: "Replace hearing aid battery."
11-09-2020, 03:37 AM - 9 Likes   #3300
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A bloke gets into a taxi and direct the driver to take him to the local DIY store. As they are driving along the bloke starts pointing out buildings along the road and telling the driver "Albert Scroggins built that..." or "Albert Scroggins rewired that.." or "The internal decoration for that one was done by Albert Scroggins".

After a little while the taxi driver said "This Albert Scroggins sounds like a very gifted and talented man, was he a local?" The bloke replies "Oh yes, he was born around here, grew up around here, was wonderful at DIY, loving father, devoted husband, caring, intelligent, everything a woman could wish for in a man".

The taxi driver stopped the car and turned to the bloke "He sounds a wonderful human being, did you ever meet him?

The bloke looked sad "I'm sorry to say I never met the man, he died a few years ago".

The taxi driver then asks "So how do you know so much about him"

"Well" said the bloke, "He was my wifes first husband......"
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