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11-09-2020, 08:39 AM - 1 Like   #3301
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QuoteOriginally posted by Craigbob Quote
The beautiful young woman had been sentenced to hang for the heinous murder of her cheating husband

The morning of the execution, the warden asked the condemned woman if she had a last request "Yes sir, "she replied, "I’d like to be hung in the nude."

The warden thought the request unusual but agreed that she could be hung completely naked. As she stood at the gallows naked as the day she was born the warden could not help but be aroused by such a perfect body "You truly have the most beautiful body I have ever seen "the warden said.
The condemned women smiled brightly and said "it's yours if you keep your trap shut"
The real punchline is:

- Either way, miss, if I open the trap it's going to be mine, too.



11-09-2020, 10:25 AM - 1 Like   #3302
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QuoteOriginally posted by torashi Quote
The real punchline is:

- Either way, miss, if I open the trap it's going to be mine, too.
Assuming his preference for dead bodies is the equal to or exceeds his preference for live ones.
11-10-2020, 12:00 AM - 3 Likes   #3303
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A Yorkshire-man goes into a jewellers and says:

"Can you make me a gold statue to commemorate my dog - he's just died."

So the jeweller says:

"D'ya want it eight'n carrat?"

And the man says:

"Na, I want it chewin' a bone!"


and again along this path...


Man A: Try pronouncing the word 'a-i-r'.
Man B: Air.
Man A: Good. Now try pronouncing the word 'h-a-i-r'.
Man B: Hair.
Man A: Excellent. Now try the word 'l-a-i-r'.
Man B: Lair.
Man A: Splendid. Now put them together and what have you got?
Man B: Air, hair, lair.
Man A: Welcome to Sandhurst.
11-10-2020, 11:20 AM - 8 Likes   #3304
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A guy wins a 3 week holiday to the Caribbean, problem is.....he has a pet gorilla. He asks all his mates if they will look after it and they all make up crappy excuses for not doing it. He gets really desperate so he asks this guy he barely knows. He told him he could stay at his house for the entire 3 weeks and he'd pay him 250 quid. He tells this guy to feed it bananas and nothing else and then he says 'whatever you do don't touch the gorilla!', so the guy nods his head and then leaves for the airport.
Three weeks go by, and the guy has managed to look after the pet gorilla. With a few hours to go until he is set to return, the guy starts to wonder what would happen if he touches the gorilla. He reaches through the metal bars, and touches the arm of the gorilla. Immediately, the gorilla jumps up and starts going crazy, pulling the bars apart. The guy quickly runs out of the house and jumps in a taxi. He can see the gorilla running down the road behind the taxi jumping on other cars, causing chaos. The man reaches the train station, where he jumps out and boards the train nearest to him. The train sets out, and he can see the gorilla running along the train track behind the train pulling up the wooden planks that hold the tracks together. The train arrives at the airport and he rushes to the nearest plane and takes off. The gorilla quickly manages to jump onto the wing of the plane and is hanging on throughout the flight. The plane lands at an airport by the sea, and he sprints from the airport to a dock in which he boards a boat. The gorilla swam for 2 miles behind the boat until they reached an island. The man jumped out the boat and ran up the sand and then realised he wasn't going to make it any further so he turned around and fell onto the ground exhausted.
The gorilla ran up to the guy and shouted........
.......TAG, YOU'RE IT!

11-11-2020, 06:59 AM - 8 Likes   #3305
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Feel free to tell her they sent photo gear by mistake.

11-11-2020, 03:57 PM - 2 Likes   #3306
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An Irishman and wife moved in a new housing estate where all houses looked alike. Paddy would come home late from socialization at the Bar, would not figure out which house to go and end up disturbing neighbors by breaking and entering in their house. So he put a different color light on the entry door to distinguish his house. Next night Paddy came back earlier fully drunk. He saw the colored light found his house. He mumbled to himself, "This is my house, see the purple light." He puts key in the door and mumbled again, "This is my house, see how the key fits in. He opens the door, enters and walks stealthily towards bedroom so as not to wake up the wife." He carefully opens the bedroom door and with great victory smile mumbles again, "Damn it, I knew this was my house because there is my wife, and there I am in bed screwing her."
11-12-2020, 02:33 PM - 3 Likes   #3307
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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
11-12-2020, 10:16 PM - 2 Likes   #3308
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QuoteOriginally posted by torashi Quote
The real punchline is:

- Either way, miss, if I open the trap it's going to be mine, too.
Similarly there was was the joke about the woman who, after a series of bad luck, misfortune and unrequited love, decides to end it all. She is stood at the top of a high cliff gathering her thoughts when a young man walks by. He spots the woman and, looking over the cliff asks her if she is going to jump. She replies she was, to which he asks if she fancies one last fling before she goes.

As the woman doesn't think much of the mans appearance or demeaner, she said she would rather just kill herself. The young man then starts to walk away and shouts back, "fair enough, I'll wait until you get to the bottom...."

11-13-2020, 02:59 PM - 11 Likes   #3309
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A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
11-15-2020, 04:22 PM - 8 Likes   #3310
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Have you heard about Murphy's Law? Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

How about Cole's Law? No. It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.
11-15-2020, 05:39 PM - 4 Likes   #3311
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
Have you heard about Murphy's Law? Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
And O'Toole's corollary : 'Murphy was an optimist.'

Three rules of life :

1) You can't win.

2) You can't break even.

3) You can't quit.
11-16-2020, 05:47 AM - 2 Likes   #3312
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
And O'Toole's corollary : 'Murphy was an optimist.'

Three rules of life :

1) You can't win.

2) You can't break even.

3) You can't quit.
Those are, in a highly modified way, expressions of the Laws of Thermodynamics which, so far as anyone has been able to determine, govern all of existence. They have mathematical expressions, inscrutable to any but exceptionally knowledgeable individuals, but they are sometimes put to laymen in simplified versions such as this:

1) you must play by the rules

and the basic rules are:


2) no matter how hard you try, you cannot win (= you can transform and transfer matter and energy, but you will never have more than what you had at the start)


3) in fact, it is certain you will lose (no matter how hard you try, no matter how carefully you proceed, if you attempt to use or transfer energy, some will always escape or be lost and there is no way you can prevent the loss or get the lost energy back)

4) and if you start with nothing, nothing is all you will ever have (= neither energy nor matter can be created out of nothing)

Simple examples: If you use water power to generate electricity, the electrical power you get out will never be more than the water power you used to generate the electricity. If you use electricity to charge the batteries in an electric car, the batteries will never contain more Kw-hours of power than the amount you used to charge the batteries.

In fact, the KwHr in the batteries will always be less than the KwHr used to charge them, not matter how you design the charging mechanism, and when those batteries are used to run the car, the power driving the car will always be less the KwHr contained in the batteries..

IF THERE WERE EXCEPTIONS TO THESE RULES, then it would be possible to construct a "perpetual motion machine."
11-16-2020, 06:30 AM - 5 Likes   #3313
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I'm disappointed. If they can put a man on the moon.................................why can't they put a woman on me ??

Last edited by pjv; 11-16-2020 at 06:56 AM.
11-16-2020, 10:50 AM - 6 Likes   #3314
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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire
11-16-2020, 12:03 PM - 2 Likes   #3315
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QuoteOriginally posted by WPRESTO Quote
IF THERE WERE EXCEPTIONS TO THESE RULES, then it would be possible to construct a "perpetual motion machine."


QuoteQuote:
Oh ye seekers after perpetual motion, how many vain chimeras have you pursued? Go and take your place with the alchemists.

— Leonardo da Vinci, 1494
Still, 526 years later, they try.
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