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11-18-2020, 07:19 AM   #3331
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QuoteOriginally posted by SSGGeezer Quote
You are both going down!
But............. Everest is up...

11-18-2020, 08:50 AM - 7 Likes   #3332
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I've been watching cable TV shows about catching snakes and I've learned quite a bit about the serpents and the people who catch them.

The other night, for instance I learned how to measure a snake.

You have to measure a snake using inches—as they don’t have feet.
11-18-2020, 09:54 AM - 6 Likes   #3333
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During Joshua's trial for stealing an expensive violin, Max, his defence counsel, asks him, "I'm astonished, Joshua, to see you here in court today. You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Yes I am," replies Joshua, "and I'm proud to be so."
"That's why I'm so surprised about the theft allegation made against you," says Max. "Jews very rarely get involved in criminal theft because it's just not in their character to steal. Am I correct?"
"Yes, you're correct," says Joshua.
"OK," says Max. "So coming back to the accusation that you stole the violin, you can't play a violin can you Joshua?"
"No," replies Joshua, "I can't even play one note on a violin."
"Well if you can't play even one note on a violin," says Max, "why did you take the violin from your next door neighbour?".
"Because," replies Joshua, "my neighbour has been driving me mad at night - he also can't play a single note on a violin!"
11-18-2020, 02:39 PM - 14 Likes   #3334
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An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up....
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

11-18-2020, 09:03 PM - 10 Likes   #3335
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The scene is a typical biker bar, loads of big blokes standing around drinking beer, dressed in leather and making a lot of noise. The barman was another example, a big bloke with long hair and a great big beard.

The barman is standing there washing glasses and all of a sudden a beautiful woman, dressed in tight leather trousers, high heeled biker boots, a tight white t-shirt and a denim waistcoat walks up to the bar. She smiles at the barman and beckons him over to her with a wave of her hand. The barman walks over, and she beckons him closer. The barman leans over the bar, and the woman starts to run her fingers slowly and provocatively through the barman's beard. "Tell me" she says, in a low sexy voice "is a big hunky man like you the manager around here"? The barman looks a little confused and replies "Eh, sorry no I'm not".

The woman now starts to run her hands through the barman's long hair, smiles and asks "So do you know who the manager is and can you get a message to him?" The barman nods his head and replied that he would be pleased to pass a message on to the manager. The woman leans forward seductively, places her lips next to the barman's ear and whispers
.
.
.
.
"tell the manager there are no hand towels in the ladies toilets..."
11-18-2020, 10:20 PM - 8 Likes   #3336
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I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

Y'see.....he's a pure bread dog.
11-19-2020, 12:38 AM   #3337
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
I thought the expression was 'A fount of humour', as in fountain.
Corrected, It has been Uni exam week for me here. Thus far, I have had one of the worst stress induced headaches I have had in living memory and the lack of sleep has undoubtedly compounded it.

11-19-2020, 02:54 PM - 2 Likes   #3338
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QuoteOriginally posted by timb64 Quote
Challenge accepted! Prepare your submarine
Sorry, we'll have to call it off - I've been here two days and my torpedo tubes have iced up.
11-19-2020, 05:27 PM - 5 Likes   #3339
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How do you make a tissue dance?

Well....you gotta put a little boogie in it.
11-20-2020, 01:29 AM - 3 Likes   #3340
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
Sorry, we'll have to call it off - I've been here two days and my torpedo tubes have iced up.
Just as well,my submarine's been firing blanks for years
11-20-2020, 04:25 AM - 3 Likes   #3341
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QuoteOriginally posted by timb64 Quote
Just as well,my submarine's been firing blanks for years
Up periscope ?





Not any more.
11-20-2020, 07:48 AM - 7 Likes   #3342
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11-20-2020, 08:11 AM - 4 Likes   #3343
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Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Geez....sorry.....I’m still working on it.
11-20-2020, 08:18 AM   #3344
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Geez....sorry.....I’m still working on it.
Lemme know when you are done.
11-20-2020, 08:46 AM - 3 Likes   #3345
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QuoteOriginally posted by manishved Quote
Lemme know when you are done.
At this stage it seems appropriate to wheel out an oldie but goldie again.......

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Come back tomorrow and I’ll tell you
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