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11-30-2020, 10:43 AM - 1 Like   #3391
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Saw this on another forum:

Olympus.
Optical Lens Yoke Maliciously Poked Up Sphincter.

11-30-2020, 11:24 AM - 11 Likes   #3392
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A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-another had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."


A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. ****ing hot down here!
11-30-2020, 02:03 PM - 3 Likes   #3393
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I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
11-30-2020, 03:49 PM - 5 Likes   #3394
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I was sad to hear they aren't making yard sticks any longer.

11-30-2020, 06:15 PM - 7 Likes   #3395
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
If I had 50¢ for every failed math test, I'd have $7.30 now.
11-30-2020, 06:29 PM   #3396
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QuoteOriginally posted by bertwert Quote
If I had 50¢ for every failed math test, I'd have $7.30 now.
When I eventually got to post secondary education....I worked long , hard and diligently to avoid any course that even had the slightest whiff of mathematics.

However I was able to compensate for having absolutely no math skills myself, by marrying my wife, who has a B.Sc. in Micro Biology and Chemistry....her math skills more than cover what I don't know. It really helps when tax time and figuring out the household budget rear their ugly heads.
11-30-2020, 06:34 PM - 3 Likes   #3397
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QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
I was sad to hear they aren't making yard sticks any longer.
And....I'm glad of it !

Back in the non metric days at Canadian Schools, the teachers used yard sticks. I remember them because my grade one teacher during cursive class.....would cruise the classroom aisles whacking the desks with her yardstick....of kids who were lefties and me....I'm a righty, but I didn't hold my pen in the approved manner. This was back in the '50's.

I still get the shakes when I see a yard stick or meter stick.
12-01-2020, 03:03 AM - 1 Like   #3398
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Not a joke per se but I'm sure it started as one.

Idiots What did they think would happen!?



12-01-2020, 07:20 AM - 1 Like   #3399
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QuoteOriginally posted by SimonC Quote
Not a joke per se but I'm sure it started as one.

Idiots What did they think would happen!?

Bikers Slide Down Mountain of Hell! - YouTube
Where will we find a sufficient number of Darwin Awards??
12-01-2020, 12:04 PM - 7 Likes   #3400
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QuoteOriginally posted by lesmore49 Quote
And....I'm glad of it !

Back in the non metric days at Canadian Schools, the teachers used yard sticks. I remember them because my grade one teacher during cursive class.....would cruise the classroom aisles whacking the desks with her yardstick....of kids who were lefties and me....I'm a righty, but I didn't hold my pen in the approved manner. This was back in the '50's.

I still get the shakes when I see a yard stick or meter stick.
As a doctor will point out to anyone involved with a victim of or suffering from a stroke, the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body. This means only left-handers are in their right mind.
12-01-2020, 12:09 PM   #3401
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QuoteOriginally posted by StiffLegged Quote
As a doctor will point out to anyone involved with a victim of or suffering from a stroke, the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body. This means only left-handers are in their right mind.
12-01-2020, 02:51 PM - 4 Likes   #3402
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Two very ancient T-shirt slogans :

The faults of men are many,
Of women, only two -

Everything they say, and
Everything they do.

------------------------------------

I celebrate all the achievements of women -

Come into my cave and look at my lump of Radium.

This is the joke thread - not to be taken seriously.
12-01-2020, 03:15 PM - 9 Likes   #3403
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Some short ones:

I was dismayed to find out how much the giant wedding cake my fiancée wanted would cost.
I shed a tier

A guy came into my shop wanting 10 bees to make his own honey,
I put them in a jar, he said "There's 11 in here mate"
I said "I know, one's a freebie".

My wife treats me like a god...
She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

According to a new study, 20% of men do not know how to properly put on a condom. You know what they call these men? Dad.

I won't rest until I find a cure for Insomnia.
12-01-2020, 04:32 PM - 3 Likes   #3404
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. What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.
12-01-2020, 07:25 PM - 1 Like   #3405
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QuoteOriginally posted by WPRESTO Quote
Where will we find a sufficient number of Darwin Awards??

A very good one Walt. In a way, I have to admire people like these: I mean they are able to go through their entire lives and never worry about being bothered by " The

Rhodes Scholar People." Hope this finds you well.

Tony

---------- Post added 12-01-20 at 07:32 PM ----------

Okay, Okay. I am aware that nobody will believe that I actually thought of this a little earlier. I was viewing a beautiful image of a "Roman Aqueduct", when this question

popped into my little pea brain. How high did the Romans build the Aqueduct? Until it reached water level. ))


Thanks for reading.

TT
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