[Craigbob]

A man stopped at a backwoods country store and headed for the men's room. Above the malfunctioning urinal was a handwritten sign: "Please Wiggle Handel."
Below it, some wag had written, "If I do, will it wiggle Bach?"

During Joshua's trial for stealing an expensive violin, Max, his defence counsel, asks him, "I'm astonished, Joshua, to see you here in court today. You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Yes I am," replies Joshua, "and I'm proud to be so."
"That's why I'm so surprised about the theft allegation made against you," says Max. "Jews very rarely get involved in criminal theft because it's just not in their character to steal. Am I correct?"
"Yes, you're correct," says Joshua.
"OK," says Max. "So coming back to the accusation that you stole the violin, you can't play a violin can you Joshua?"
"No," replies Joshua, "I can't even play one note on a violin."
"Well if you can't play even one note on a violin," says Max, "why did you take the violin from your next door neighbour?".
"Because," replies Joshua, "my neighbour has been driving me mad at night - he also can't play a single note on a violin!"

[SimonC]

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

[lesmore49]

The cell phone people say there's absolutely no danger from cell phone radiation.

Boy, it didn't take those tobacco executives long to find new jobs, did it ?

- Jay Leno

[lesmore49]

"My wife's not too smart.

I told her our kids were spoiled.

She said, 'All kids smell that way.'"

[LensBeginner]

A man stopped at a backwoods country store and headed for the men's room. Above the malfunctioning urinal was a handwritten sign: "Please Wiggle Handel."
Below it, some wag had written, "If I do, will it wiggle Bach?"

During Joshua's trial for stealing an expensive violin, Max, his defence counsel, asks him, "I'm astonished, Joshua, to see you here in court today. You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Yes I am," replies Joshua, "and I'm proud to be so."
"That's why I'm so surprised about the theft allegation made against you," says Max. "Jews very rarely get involved in criminal theft because it's just not in their character to steal. Am I correct?"
"Yes, you're correct," says Joshua.
"OK," says Max. "So coming back to the accusation that you stole the violin, you can't play a violin can you Joshua?"
"No," replies Joshua, "I can't even play one note on a violin."
"Well if you can't play even one note on a violin," says Max, "why did you take the violin from your next door neighbour?".
"Because," replies Joshua, "my neighbour has been driving me mad at night - he also can't play a single note on a violin!"

Definitely not Joshua... Bell!

[Kunzite]

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English University and was living in a hall of residence with all the students there.

After a month or so, his mother come to visit. They started talking this and that, then:

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied. "They're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams, away into the night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

[Martin Stu]

A child was born in the family. He didn't speak until he was five years old. His parents took him to the doctor.

“Don't worry,” the doctor assured, “he will tell you. But those he names first will die.“

After a while, the child uttered the word "grandfather." The grandfather died. Soon he said, "grandma." Grandma is dead. One day the wife said to her husband:

- Sit with the child, and I'll go to the store.

The child walked, walked, said: "dad". Father got ready, washed, put on a new suit, boots and lay down on the bed. The wife comes home and says:

- Why are you lying on the bed in a new suit? Get up quickly, let's go to the funeral - the neighbor is dead.

[SimonC]

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went ‘T’PAU!’

I said ‘Don’t you mean KAPOW??’

He said 'No, I’ve got china in my hand.'

[robtcorl]

My wife said take $200 and buy me a Nativity set for Christmas, if there's any money left you can spend it on photo gear.

[Tako Kichi]

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went ‘T’PAU!’

I said ‘Don’t you mean KAPOW??’

He said 'No, I’ve got china in my hand.'

Now that made me literally laugh out loud!


It is probably lost on most people here but we must be of a similar age as I knew exactly what you were aiming for with that joke.

Incidentally, I still have the "Bridge of Spies" album in my vinyl collection to this day but play the digital version on my computer more often these days. Great song, great band and a pity they were so under-rated by most people.

[Craigbob]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'

[lesmore49]

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

-Emo Philips

[SimonC]

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.

[MarkJerling]

My wife said take $200 and buy me a Nativity set for Christmas, if there's any money left you can spend it on photo gear.

Joke of the month!

[WPRESTO]

Just heard on one of the The SImpsons Xmas specials, modified because this isn't in context.


Santa is having financial trouble. For years he's been giving away toys and getting cookies in return. It isn't a sustainable business model.