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01-13-2021, 04:28 AM - 3 Likes   #3646
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I had to repeat this one.

An Englishman (Pom), a Scot and an Aussie walked into a bar and each ordered a beer.
The barman delivered the three beers and each noticed a fly struggling in the frothy head.
The Pom, with a look of distain, pushed his beer away.
The Scot picked the fly out and drank his beer.
The Aussie grabbed the fly and started to wring it out and shouted, "spit it out, spit it out, you @#$%^&*(!!".

01-13-2021, 05:52 AM - 1 Like   #3647
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QuoteOriginally posted by bertwert Quote
The mathematics professors' testimony:

I swear that the theorem to be given by me shall show the proof, the whole proof, and nothing but the proof.
Unfortunately, this margin is too small to contain it...
01-13-2021, 05:55 AM - 1 Like   #3648
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QuoteOriginally posted by Jean Poitiers Quote
"2020 giving an office tour to 2021"
That makes me think of a German classic that is impossible to translate without losing the pun in the process, but here it is anyway:

Was macht ein Clown im Büro? - Faxen!

What is a clown doing in the office? - (Now here's the duality that makes this funny: "Faxen" means "to fax", but also "grimaces", or rather "jesting around")
01-13-2021, 06:10 AM - 2 Likes   #3649
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USPS Priority Mail Two-Three Day Funniest joke going these days...

01-13-2021, 06:41 AM   #3650
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QuoteOriginally posted by steamloco76 Quote
USPS Priority Mail Two-Three Day Funniest joke going these days...
NOT funny. Paid extra for Priority to speed delivery of an item I sold here on the forum. It took four days to get from my local PO to the central USPS processing in western MessyChewbits (about a 30 minute drive from home), then another six days to be delivered. Where, when it is needed, is the Pony Express?
01-13-2021, 08:14 AM   #3651
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QuoteOriginally posted by WPRESTO Quote
NOT funny. Paid extra for Priority to speed delivery of an item I sold here on the forum. It took four days to get from my local PO to the central USPS processing in western MessyChewbits (about a 30 minute drive from home), then another six days to be delivered. Where, when it is needed, is the Pony Express?
the Fotodiox stuff i ordered before Christmas finally made it to Chicago sort on the 25th, it arrived at Canada border services on the 5th and was delivered (without any border charges ---the reason I always request postal they have only charged me the proper tax and brokerage fee once)
) on the 7th . from Montreal where Chicago sent it for some insane reason. it was shipped on the 23rd. with the international express option... I didn't realize it meant they used Ponies still in the US (12 days Illinois to Canada 2 Montreal customs to my office in Toronto...Express pfffst')
01-13-2021, 08:29 AM   #3652
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QuoteOriginally posted by eddie1960 Quote
. I didn't realize it meant they used Ponies still in the US
Yes, but the equines are getting very old now. BTW: Back in the '70s it was Canadian postal service that was the but of many jokes for it's leisurely delivery.

Last edited by WPRESTO; 01-13-2021 at 11:23 AM.
01-13-2021, 08:42 AM   #3653
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QuoteOriginally posted by WPRESTO Quote
Yes, but the equines are getting very old now. BTW: Back in the '70s it was Canadian postal service that was the but of many jokes for it leisurely delivery.
Oh I remember that well (but it is very good now, a slow delivery is very much the exception rather than the Rule. China Post is I think the worst

01-13-2021, 09:52 AM - 15 Likes   #3654
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I mistakenly handed my wife a glue stick instead of chap-stick.

She still isn’t talking to me.
01-13-2021, 01:42 PM - 8 Likes   #3655
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I just saw a bulletin asking for tips about a toilet stolen from the police station.
At the moment, the police have nothing to go on -
but they're holding up.
01-15-2021, 06:10 AM - 3 Likes   #3656
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01-15-2021, 06:10 AM - 2 Likes   #3657
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My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.
01-15-2021, 06:40 AM - 7 Likes   #3658
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Not mine but the best covid joke I have heard.

The Flat Earth Society is worried that lockdowns may push it's members over the edge!
01-15-2021, 12:14 PM - 3 Likes   #3659
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- Is it true that your accountant ran away with your money and your daughter?
- Yes, but he left me a note swearing that he would return everything. He's already sent my daughter back to me.
01-16-2021, 01:53 AM - 8 Likes   #3660
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Heaviest, densest element discovered

Surprised no-one has posted this one yet...

The heaviest chemical element yet known to science. Governmentium (Gv) has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However it is easily detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium retards a reaction normally taking less than a second to anywhere from four days to four years, at costs determined by quantum bogonomic theory

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming a variety of isodopes.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium--an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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