The Joke Thread

35mmfilmfan · 01-19-2021, 03:01 AM - **1 Like**

I heard recently of a man in Paris, who had two pets. One was a Hare, the other, a Rabbit. Living in a flat, he realised that they both needed daily fresh air and exercise, so come rain or shine every day he would put each of them into a suitable bag, travel down in the lift, and when he got to his favoured walking area, let them both out to frolic on the sward, and, in their own way, increase the fertility of the surrounding soil.

The Rabbit, being a shy, nervous creature, would stay close to him, and, should danger threaten, woulkd crouch by his feet, somewhat impeding his progress. The hare, on the other hand was a more volatile animal, and would dash off into the distance while the man and his rabbit companion continued their slow, stately progress.

To amuse himself, the man would often sing as their exercise continued :

'As I walk along the Bois du Boulogne
With my independent Hare.'

Liney · 01-19-2021, 03:03 AM - **5 Likes**

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

Last year, my New Year's Resolution was to wake up alive at least once a day, and I managed it every day.

In fact, on some days, I woke up three or four times.

Every morning I set a new personal best to the number of consecutive days alive...

bxf · 01-19-2021, 07:11 AM

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

I heard recently of a man in Paris, who had two pets. One was a Hare, the other, a Rabbit. Living in a flat, he realised that they both needed daily fresh air and exercise, so come rain or shine every day he would put each of them into a suitable bag, travel down in the lift, and when he got to his favoured walking area, let them both out to frolic on the sward, and, in their own way, increase the fertility of the surrounding soil.

The Rabbit, being a shy, nervous creature, would stay close to him, and, should danger threaten, woulkd crouch by his feet, somewhat impeding his progress. The hare, on the other hand was a more volatile animal, and would dash off into the distance while the man and his rabbit companion continued their slow, stately progress.

To amuse himself, the man would often sing as their exercise continued :

'As I walk along the Bois du Boulogne
With my independent Hare.'

I had a suspicion as to what this was about, confirmed by Google.

On this note, apparently there is something in the human brain that makes people talk a certain way. For example, the letter "W" is pronounced as a "V" in Polish (also German), so Polish speakers, when speaking English, would say "vat do you vant". Now, as if to compensate subconsciously, they will often pronounce the "V" as a "W". Similarly, because an "H" is silent in French (which explains the reference to "Hare" in the joke above), a French Canadian colleague once said to a friend "your ed is hempty". Very amusing

35mmfilmfan · 01-19-2021, 09:07 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by bxf

I had a suspicion as to what this was about, confirmed by Google.

On this note, apparently there is something in the human brain that makes people talk a certain way. For example, the letter "W" is pronounced as a "V" in Polish (also German), so Polish speakers, when speaking English, would say "vat do you vant". Now, as if to compensate subconsciously, they will often pronounce the "V" as a "W". Similarly, because an "H" is silent in French (which explains the reference to "Hare" in the joke above), a French Canadian colleague once said to a friend "your ed is hempty". Very amusing

Thank you for referring to my contribution as a joke - much appreciated.

Actually, this idea started off as a reference to a man wearing a wig (same punchline), but the rabbit insisted on being included, so what could I do ?

Kunzite · 01-19-2021, 11:07 AM - **9 Likes**

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them "dam fish." The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the <bleep>ing potatoes!"

SimonC · 01-19-2021, 01:36 PM - **5 Likes**

I once had a job drilling holes for water...

...it was well boring.

bxf · 01-20-2021, 12:10 PM

Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan

Thank you for referring to my contribution as a joke - much appreciated.

Actually, this idea started off as a reference to a man wearing a wig (same punchline), but the rabbit insisted on being included, so what could I do ?

I could have offered some suggestions, but it's too late for that...

35mmfilmfan · 01-20-2021, 03:18 PM

Originally posted by bxf

I could have offered some suggestions, but it's too late for that...

Hare today, gone tomorrow ?

35mmfilmfan · 01-21-2021, 04:04 AM - **9 Likes**

Finally finished reading a book about clocks and watches.

It was about time.

bxf · 01-21-2021, 01:27 PM - **10 Likes**

Me: Hi, my name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: Sir, this is Triple A.

Me: I know. I'm just explaining why my car is in the lake.

Bob King · 01-21-2021, 01:40 PM - **6 Likes**

Originally posted by Parallax

How do you address a lawyer with an i.q. of 45?
.
.
.
.
"Your honor"

What is the difference between a dead skunk on the highway and a dead lawyer on the highway?
There are skid marks in front of the dead skunk.

Martin Stu · 01-22-2021, 06:52 AM - **4 Likes**

- Before accepting you to work in our company, I would like to know - are you inclined to lie, trick, steal, be late?
- No, but if your company needs it, I can learn.

**WPRESTO** · 01-22-2021, 02:51 PM - **8 Likes**

Two Scottish/bagpipe jokes I read recently.

Why do pipers always keep walking as they play?
They're hoping to get away from the noise.

What's the difference between bagpipes and a lawnmower?
You can tune up a lawnmower.

robtcorl · 01-23-2021, 01:51 PM - **8 Likes**

I've used so much sanitizer that when I pee, it cleans the toilet.

Martin Stu · 01-25-2021, 07:34 AM - **4 Likes**

- Son, you promised me that you would return home at exactly four!
- Yes, dad!
- Didn't I promise to punish you if you don’t come on time?
- Yes, dad. But since I didn't keep my promise, you might not keep yours either.

- Mom, why are computers so smart?
- Son, it's because they listen to their motherboard.

- Mother, today, when the guests came, I did a good deed.
- What's that?
- My brother secretly placed a drawing pin on one of the guest chairs.
- And what did you do?
- I waited until the guest started to sit down, and then I took the chair out from under him!

01-22-2021, 02:51 PM - 8 Likes	#3688
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,106	Two Scottish/bagpipe jokes I read recently. Why do pipers always keep walking as they play? They're hoping to get away from the noise. What's the difference between bagpipes and a lawnmower? You can tune up a lawnmower. Last edited by WPRESTO; 01-23-2021 at 06:38 PM.

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01-19-2021, 03:01 AM - 1 Like	#3676
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	I heard recently of a man in Paris, who had two pets. One was a Hare, the other, a Rabbit. Living in a flat, he realised that they both needed daily fresh air and exercise, so come rain or shine every day he would put each of them into a suitable bag, travel down in the lift, and when he got to his favoured walking area, let them both out to frolic on the sward, and, in their own way, increase the fertility of the surrounding soil. The Rabbit, being a shy, nervous creature, would stay close to him, and, should danger threaten, woulkd crouch by his feet, somewhat impeding his progress. The hare, on the other hand was a more volatile animal, and would dash off into the distance while the man and his rabbit companion continued their slow, stately progress. To amuse himself, the man would often sing as their exercise continued : 'As I walk along the Bois du Boulogne With my independent Hare.'

01-19-2021, 03:03 AM - 5 Likes	#3677
Liney Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 1,237	Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan Last year, my New Year's Resolution was to wake up alive at least once a day, and I managed it every day. In fact, on some days, I woke up three or four times. Every morning I set a new personal best to the number of consecutive days alive...

01-19-2021, 07:11 AM	#3678
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan I heard recently of a man in Paris, who had two pets. One was a Hare, the other, a Rabbit. Living in a flat, he realised that they both needed daily fresh air and exercise, so come rain or shine every day he would put each of them into a suitable bag, travel down in the lift, and when he got to his favoured walking area, let them both out to frolic on the sward, and, in their own way, increase the fertility of the surrounding soil. The Rabbit, being a shy, nervous creature, would stay close to him, and, should danger threaten, woulkd crouch by his feet, somewhat impeding his progress. The hare, on the other hand was a more volatile animal, and would dash off into the distance while the man and his rabbit companion continued their slow, stately progress. To amuse himself, the man would often sing as their exercise continued : 'As I walk along the Bois du Boulogne With my independent Hare.' I had a suspicion as to what this was about, confirmed by Google. On this note, apparently there is something in the human brain that makes people talk a certain way. For example, the letter "W" is pronounced as a "V" in Polish (also German), so Polish speakers, when speaking English, would say "vat do you vant". Now, as if to compensate subconsciously, they will often pronounce the "V" as a "W". Similarly, because an "H" is silent in French (which explains the reference to "Hare" in the joke above), a French Canadian colleague once said to a friend "your ed is hempty". Very amusing

01-19-2021, 09:07 AM - 1 Like	#3679
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Originally posted by bxf I had a suspicion as to what this was about, confirmed by Google. On this note, apparently there is something in the human brain that makes people talk a certain way. For example, the letter "W" is pronounced as a "V" in Polish (also German), so Polish speakers, when speaking English, would say "vat do you vant". Now, as if to compensate subconsciously, they will often pronounce the "V" as a "W". Similarly, because an "H" is silent in French (which explains the reference to "Hare" in the joke above), a French Canadian colleague once said to a friend "your ed is hempty". Very amusing Thank you for referring to my contribution as a joke - much appreciated. Actually, this idea started off as a reference to a man wearing a wig (same punchline), but the rabbit insisted on being included, so what could I do ?

01-19-2021, 11:07 AM - 9 Likes	#3680
Kunzite Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Romania Posts: 15,132	A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them "dam fish." The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the <bleep>ing potatoes!"

01-19-2021, 01:36 PM - 5 Likes	#3681
SimonC Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Trearddur Bay, Isle of Anglesey Posts: 466	I once had a job drilling holes for water... ...it was well boring.

01-20-2021, 12:10 PM	#3682
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	Originally posted by 35mmfilmfan Thank you for referring to my contribution as a joke - much appreciated. Actually, this idea started off as a reference to a man wearing a wig (same punchline), but the rabbit insisted on being included, so what could I do ? I could have offered some suggestions, but it's too late for that...

01-20-2021, 03:18 PM	#3683
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Originally posted by bxf I could have offered some suggestions, but it's too late for that... Hare today, gone tomorrow ?

01-21-2021, 04:04 AM - 9 Likes	#3684
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,329	Finally finished reading a book about clocks and watches. It was about time.

01-21-2021, 01:27 PM - 10 Likes	#3685
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	Me: Hi, my name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic. AAA: Sir, this is Triple A. Me: I know. I'm just explaining why my car is in the lake.

01-21-2021, 01:40 PM - 6 Likes	#3686
Bob King New Member Join Date: Jan 2021 Location: Milton Ontario Posts: 11	Originally posted by Parallax How do you address a lawyer with an i.q. of 45? . . . . "Your honor" What is the difference between a dead skunk on the highway and a dead lawyer on the highway? There are skid marks in front of the dead skunk.

01-22-2021, 06:52 AM - 4 Likes	#3687
Martin Stu Pentaxian Join Date: Jan 2019 Posts: 1,115	- Before accepting you to work in our company, I would like to know - are you inclined to lie, trick, steal, be late? - No, but if your company needs it, I can learn.

01-23-2021, 01:51 PM - 8 Likes	#3689
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	I've used so much sanitizer that when I pee, it cleans the toilet.

01-25-2021, 07:34 AM - 4 Likes	#3690
Martin Stu Pentaxian Join Date: Jan 2019 Posts: 1,115	- Son, you promised me that you would return home at exactly four! - Yes, dad! - Didn't I promise to punish you if you don’t come on time? - Yes, dad. But since I didn't keep my promise, you might not keep yours either. - Mom, why are computers so smart? - Son, it's because they listen to their motherboard. - Mother, today, when the guests came, I did a good deed. - What's that? - My brother secretly placed a drawing pin on one of the guest chairs. - And what did you do? - I waited until the guest started to sit down, and then I took the chair out from under him!