The Joke Thread

**BigDave** · 03-10-2021, 09:22 PM - **13 Likes**

A minister is giving a sermon on Love Thy Neighbor and the joy of not having any enemies and in the course of the dissertation asks "Can anyone here honestly say they have no enemies"? Old Mrs. Jackson raises her hand and the minister says, "Mrs. Jackson, that is wonderful, please come down here". Mrs. Jackson, being about 92, slowly makes her way down to the front and when she gets there, the minister asks her, "Please, tell all of us, how is it you have no enemies", to which Mrs. Jackson replies, "I out lived the S O Bs"!

MarkJerling · 03-11-2021, 02:37 PM - **13 Likes**

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally, the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher,
“You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning the case myself because that darned bull came home this morning.”

bxf · 03-11-2021, 03:42 PM - **15 Likes**

bobD · 03-12-2021, 11:16 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by MarkJerling

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, .”

Mark, Really ?!? check... ?!?

checked for what ? Covid..??

Ian Stuart Forsyth · 03-13-2021, 12:17 AM - **7 Likes**

What has 32 teeth and likes eating wieners

A zipper

**StiffLegged** · 03-13-2021, 01:31 AM - **6 Likes**

Another singer was the original subject of the following, but I doubt many here ever heard of Sidney Devine:-

What is it that has 98 legs and one tooth?

The front row at a John Denver concert.

35mmfilmfan · 03-13-2021, 03:44 AM - **1 Like**

Have you heard about the ill-mannered scientific glass-blower ?

He kept making rude retorts.

Last edited by 35mmfilmfan; 03-13-2021 at 04:06 AM. Reason: Intimations of Mortality

**WPRESTO** · 03-13-2021, 05:08 AM - **5 Likes**

Three I read recently.

1) What is the opposite of MERMAID?

ans. LANDLADY

2) If you understood that, then what is the opposite ICELAND?

ans: FIREWATER

3) And so the opposite of FORMALDEHYDE

would be CASUALDEJECKYLL

(Reader's Digest, with minor changes)

robtcorl · 03-13-2021, 07:11 AM - **10 Likes**

Looking for someone who likes to get drunk and throw condoms at strangers.

No weirdos, please.

MarkJerling · 03-13-2021, 01:09 PM

Originally posted by bobD

Mark, Really ?!? check... ?!?

checked for what ? Covid..??

Sorry! Copy and paste!

Martin Stu · 03-14-2021, 11:04 AM - **2 Likes**

Someone, someday, will come up with such a button on the TV that you press - and the remote control from the TV, which has fallen behind the sofa, starts beeping? An elementary idea with which you can increase sales.

timb64 · 03-14-2021, 11:44 AM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by Martin Stu

Someone, someday, will come up with such a button on the TV that you press - and the remote control from the TV, which has fallen behind the sofa, starts beeping? An elementary idea with which you can increase sales.

I use an app on my phone as the remote control for my TV!

The problem comes when I lose my phone

**StiffLegged** · 03-14-2021, 11:54 AM - **4 Likes**

Originally posted by Martin Stu

Someone, someday, will come up with such a button on the TV that you press - and the remote control from the TV, which has fallen behind the sofa, starts beeping? An elementary idea with which you can increase sales.

And for another idea, although I’d like it to work with teenagers....

**rod_grant** · 03-14-2021, 04:06 PM - **7 Likes**

Originally posted by StiffLegged

What is it that has 98 legs and one tooth?

In Australia the footy team we all love to hate is Collingwood.

We know that the toothbrush was invented by a Collingwood supporter - otherwise it would be called a teethbrush.

**c.a.m** · 03-14-2021, 04:23 PM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by rod_grant

We know that the toothbrush was invented by a Collingwood supporter - otherwise it would be called a teethbrush.

Ooo...

I guess you keep your head low when you're in Melbourne, yes?

- Craig

03-13-2021, 01:31 AM - 6 Likes	#3786
StiffLegged Site Supporter Join Date: Jan 2018 Photos: Gallery Posts: 4,610	Another singer was the original subject of the following, but I doubt many here ever heard of Sidney Devine:- What is it that has 98 legs and one tooth? The front row at a John Denver concert.

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03-10-2021, 09:22 PM - 13 Likes	#3781
BigDave Site Supporter Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Hudson Valley, NY Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 2,626	A minister is giving a sermon on Love Thy Neighbor and the joy of not having any enemies and in the course of the dissertation asks "Can anyone here honestly say they have no enemies"? Old Mrs. Jackson raises her hand and the minister says, "Mrs. Jackson, that is wonderful, please come down here". Mrs. Jackson, being about 92, slowly makes her way down to the front and when she gets there, the minister asks her, "Please, tell all of us, how is it you have no enemies", to which Mrs. Jackson replies, "I out lived the S O Bs"!

03-11-2021, 02:37 PM - 13 Likes	#3782
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,402	A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally, the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand!” The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning the case myself because that darned bull came home this morning.”

03-11-2021, 03:42 PM - 15 Likes	#3783
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660

03-12-2021, 11:16 PM - 1 Like	#3784
bobD Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Waikikamukau Photos: Albums Posts: 1,248	Originally posted by MarkJerling After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, .” Mark, Really ?!? check... ?!? checked for what ? Covid..??

03-13-2021, 12:17 AM - 7 Likes	#3785
Ian Stuart Forsyth Pentaxian Join Date: May 2009 Location: Somewhere over the rainbow Photos: Gallery Posts: 1,531	What has 32 teeth and likes eating wieners A zipper

03-13-2021, 03:44 AM - 1 Like	#3787
35mmfilmfan Pentaxian Join Date: Oct 2016 Location: Norfolk, UK Posts: 4,312	Have you heard about the ill-mannered scientific glass-blower ? He kept making rude retorts. Last edited by 35mmfilmfan; 03-13-2021 at 04:06 AM. Reason: Intimations of Mortality

03-13-2021, 05:08 AM - 5 Likes	#3788
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,089	Three I read recently. 1) What is the opposite of MERMAID? ans. LANDLADY 2) If you understood that, then what is the opposite ICELAND? ans: FIREWATER 3) And so the opposite of FORMALDEHYDE would be CASUALDEJECKYLL (Reader's Digest, with minor changes)

03-13-2021, 07:11 AM - 10 Likes	#3789
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	Looking for someone who likes to get drunk and throw condoms at strangers. No weirdos, please.

03-13-2021, 01:09 PM	#3790
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,402	Originally posted by bobD Mark, Really ?!? check... ?!? checked for what ? Covid..?? Sorry! Copy and paste!

03-14-2021, 11:04 AM - 2 Likes	#3791
Martin Stu Pentaxian Join Date: Jan 2019 Posts: 1,115	Someone, someday, will come up with such a button on the TV that you press - and the remote control from the TV, which has fallen behind the sofa, starts beeping? An elementary idea with which you can increase sales.

03-14-2021, 11:44 AM - 2 Likes	#3792
timb64 Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: /Situation : Doing my best to avoid idiots! Photos: Gallery Posts: 9,510	Originally posted by Martin Stu Someone, someday, will come up with such a button on the TV that you press - and the remote control from the TV, which has fallen behind the sofa, starts beeping? An elementary idea with which you can increase sales. I use an app on my phone as the remote control for my TV! The problem comes when I lose my phone

03-14-2021, 11:54 AM - 4 Likes	#3793
StiffLegged Site Supporter Join Date: Jan 2018 Photos: Gallery Posts: 4,610	Originally posted by Martin Stu Someone, someday, will come up with such a button on the TV that you press - and the remote control from the TV, which has fallen behind the sofa, starts beeping? An elementary idea with which you can increase sales. And for another idea, although I’d like it to work with teenagers....

03-14-2021, 04:06 PM - 7 Likes	#3794
rod_grant Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Wangaratta, Victoria Photos: Gallery Posts: 6,951	Originally posted by StiffLegged What is it that has 98 legs and one tooth? In Australia the footy team we all love to hate is Collingwood. We know that the toothbrush was invented by a Collingwood supporter - otherwise it would be called a teethbrush.

03-14-2021, 04:23 PM - 2 Likes	#3795
c.a.m Site Supporter Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Ottawa, Canada Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 4,188	Originally posted by rod_grant We know that the toothbrush was invented by a Collingwood supporter - otherwise it would be called a teethbrush. Ooo... I guess you keep your head low when you're in Melbourne, yes? - Craig

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