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04-04-2021, 06:31 AM - 9 Likes   #3841
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04-05-2021, 01:17 PM - 7 Likes   #3842
bxf
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Air hostess to passenger: Would you like a drink?
Passenger: Hmmm, what are my options?
Hostess: YES and NO.
04-05-2021, 01:50 PM - 5 Likes   #3843
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All of my passwords are protected............by amnesia.
04-05-2021, 01:50 PM - 1 Like   #3844
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"Well, well!" - or "maybe not!" as the saying goes if you hope to "have a drink of water " some time soon

---------- Post added 04-05-21 at 10:22 PM ----------

QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
All of my passwords are protected............by amnesia.
HaHa!

04-05-2021, 08:59 PM - 9 Likes   #3845
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Not a joke as such, just something that caught my fancy as I surfed the web:

'Spell Checker Blues'

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Anon

04-07-2021, 05:23 AM - 14 Likes   #3846
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.” The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"
04-12-2021, 06:13 AM - 1 Like   #3847
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Hello, is this a help line for alcoholics? - Yes! - How to cook a mojito?
04-12-2021, 08:29 AM - 8 Likes   #3848
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Yes, I've survived a near death experience, I once told a woman to calm down.

04-14-2021, 01:44 AM - 4 Likes   #3849
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A man comes home, huffing and puffing, and says to the wife "I just missed the bus, so I ran after it all the way home, and saved myself the $2 bus fare".

Wife responds "you should have run after a taxi, and saved $15".
04-14-2021, 02:35 AM - 4 Likes   #3850
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In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him


To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him
04-15-2021, 08:28 AM - 2 Likes   #3851
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A knight rides a horse ... He sees a stone, there are two roads from the stone to the left and to the right... an inscription on the stone: “If you go to the left, you will lose your horse, if you go to the right, you will lose your life, if you go straight, you will stumble upon this stone!"
04-15-2021, 08:01 PM - 9 Likes   #3852
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I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they've never even seen one of his paintings.
04-15-2021, 08:01 PM - 9 Likes   #3853
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There were these 2 blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to their Mercedes.

They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a clothes hanger.

The 1st blonde said to the second one, "You need to try harder. It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
04-15-2021, 08:02 PM - 9 Likes   #3854
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One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
04-19-2021, 05:05 AM - 3 Likes   #3855
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My wife never complained..................until I got hearing aids.
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