[normhead]

Last time I visited the doctor, for the ritual humiliation of the plump and slow-moving elderly (blood pressure and weight !), she looked at me seriously and said 'I must tell you, there is something that you will never, ever be able to do, no matter how much you may wish to.' This had me a little concerned, as you can imagine, and I enquired what it might be.







'Die young' she said.

A man goes to the doctor for various medical conditions. After the examination the doctor sends him out and calls his wife in.

He says "Your husbands health is really critical. Any stress or upset could kill him. You need to keep the house clean and up to his standards, you need to make sure his daily routine is just the way he wants it, you have to avoid arguments or disagreements, try and do sex just the way he enjoys it best."
She listens to this and goes back out to take her husband home.

In the car he says "What did the doctor say?"

She says
"He says you're going to die soon, for sure."

---

Last edited by normhead; 07-27-2021 at 11:04 AM.

[35mmfilmfan]

You know you are old when you suffer from W. C. Fields syndrome :



A friend of the great man visited him in hospital, and was surprised to find him reading The Bible. He asked what he was doing.






'Looking for loopholes' came the growled reply.

[Kunzite]

I have accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now, when I speak, I have this weird axe scent.

[35mmfilmfan]

Using hair lacquer instead of fly spray turns flies into gliders.

What to you call a fly with no wings ?

A Walk.

[bobD]

Using hair lacquer instead of fly spray turns flies into gliders.

Just don't spray it on anything else while trying to get that fly !

[Kunzite]

Being married for more than 20 years and I always keep my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I'd take out my wallet and look at her picture.
And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive living together with this psychopath I can survive anything.

[robtcorl]

[slartibartfast01]

I saw this unfortunately worded sign in a hospital

[Parallax]

The sharing of marriage...


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'







She answered --









(Continue below )















'THE TEETH.'

[cartesio]

Yesterday I saw some youngsters in a park getting vaccinated by themselves, how nice!

[35mmfilmfan]

A man of some seventy summers married a beautiful lady in her late twenties. After six months, they went to the GP, who asked what the problem was. 'Well', said the old chap, 'we've been married six months, but so far we've not been able to start a family.' The doctor looked at them, noting the disparity in their ages, and asked 'Am I right in thinking you two live alone ?' They both nodded, and the doctor said, 'Well, if you have the room, I suggest you take in a lodger - you may find the extra company helps you.' They thanked him and left.

Some six months later, they went back, and from the glow on the lady's cheeks, it was apparent that the doctor's ploy had worked. Smirking slightly to himself, he asked 'Did you take my advice ? Did you take in a lodger ?'











'Oh yes', said the old man - 'And she's pregnant too'.

[MarkJerling]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"

[Michael Piziak]

---------- Post added 08-03-21 at 06:57 PM ----------

Good one!

---------- Post added 08-03-21 at 07:01 PM ----------

Where is this vaccination station? I need to get vaccinated again.

[robtcorl]

I accidently handed my wife glue stick instead of her ChapStick.
She's still not talking to me.

[Michael Piziak]

I accidently handed my wife glue stick instead of her ChapStick.
She's still not talking to me.

So - you finally got some peace and quiet?