The Joke Thread

bertwert · 03-02-2017, 09:33 AM - **3 Likes**

Nothing like a few bagpipe jokes to start the day!

Q: What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q: Did you hear about the bagpiper who played in tune?
A: Neither did I.

Q: What do you call twenty bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a bagpipe players arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Marriage is like playing the bagpipes. It looks easy until you try it.

Why did the bagpipe player cross the road?......I thought while accelerating.

audiobomber · 03-02-2017, 08:18 PM - **1 Like**

A drunk gets on a bus. As he is fumbling in his pocket for the fare, the impatient driver takes off. The forward acceleration throws the drunk off balance and he staggers to the rear of the bus. As he approaches the back, the driver arrives at the next stop and brakes. The drunk staggers to the front of the bus and starts digging in his pocket again. The driver pulls out, the drunk is thrown off balance and totters to the rear of the bus. This happens for a couple more stops, then the drunk starts to exit the bus.

"Wait a minute" says the driver. "You didn't pay the fare."

"What the hell do you mean, pay the fare?", says the drunk. "I don't owe you anything. I walked the whole way."

bertwert · 03-05-2017, 06:07 PM

What's the difference between a bagpipe and a chainsaw?

You can tune a chainsaw!

bigdavephoto · 03-07-2017, 07:43 PM

An older retired couple was sitting on the porch of their house enjoying the late spring evening and reading the paper. The lady, all of a sudden stopped reading the paper, rolled it up, got up from her rocking chair, walked over and hit the man across the back of the head with it. She then turned around and sat back down and started to read again.

The man looked over at his wife and asked, "What was that for?" She replied, "That was for not being any good in bed."

They both went back to reading when the man all of a sudden stopped reading, blinked a couple of times, rolled up his paper, got up and hit his wife in the back of the head with it. He hit her hard enough to knock her out of the chair, down the steps and to the walk way.

She turned to look at her husband as he was sitting down and asked, "What did you do that for?"

He just looked at her in the eye while unrolling his paper and said "That was for knowing the difference."

**Tonytee** · 03-07-2017, 09:44 PM - **2 Likes**

A Guide dog
Unexpectedly, The plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers
wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..
Everybody got off the plane except one lady Who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight..
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot
approached her, and calling her by name, said,"Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind lady said,
"No thanks, but maybe Buddy Would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they
looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses!
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story....
Have a great day and remember.....
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED

Unregistered User 8 · 03-07-2017, 09:45 PM - **4 Likes**

2 cows in the field are happily chewing the grass, when one turns to the other and says " Hey Mabel, this mad cow disease thing sounds bad."
Mabel replies, " Don't worry Betty, it doesn't affect us penguins."

**clackers** · 03-07-2017, 10:29 PM - **2 Likes**

Q. What did the zero say to the eight?
A: "Nice belt!"

p38arover · 03-07-2017, 10:49 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by clackers

Q. What did the zero say to the eight?
A: "Nice belt!"

I had to think about that. At first I thought it was a pool table joke and I don't play pool.

SpecialK · 03-08-2017, 12:09 AM - **4 Likes**

Originally posted by bertwert

Nothing like a few bagpipe jokes to start the day!

Curious - when you start learning the bags, how do you know if you are getting better?

MarkJerling · 03-08-2017, 02:41 AM

Originally posted by SpecialK

Curious - when you start learning the bags, how do you know if you are getting better?

Good one!

bertwert · 03-08-2017, 09:57 AM - **2 Likes**

Originally posted by SpecialK

Curious - when you start learning the bags, how do you know if you are getting better?

When the family doesn't throw as many rotten tomatoes.

**WPRESTO** · 03-08-2017, 11:32 AM - **1 Like**

Do you hear the bagpipes playing?
What?
DO YOU HEAR THE BAGPIPES PLAYING?
What?
DO YOU HEAR THE BAG PIPES PLAYING?
What?

Unregistered User 8 · 03-14-2017, 10:47 PM - **1 Like**

A man inquires to the librarian " Excuse me, I'm looking for a book titled Harmony In Marriage."
She replied " Oh yes, you will find it in the fiction section."

Unregistered User 8 · 03-24-2017, 03:21 AM

My wife and I reached the decision long ago that we did not want children.
If you do, send us your contact details and we will send ours over.

Johnny was feeling sad and asked his mother, " Mommy, I have been thinking that I am adopted, am I? "
" No way little man, " she replied with a smile, " if we were going to adopt, we would never have chosen you."

**WPRESTO** · 03-24-2017, 03:24 AM

Of course I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to stand you!

03-07-2017, 09:44 PM - 2 Likes	#410
Tonytee Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 21,461	A true story. A Guide dog Unexpectedly, The plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.. Everybody got off the plane except one lady Who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said,"Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy Would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses! People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story.... Have a great day and remember..... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Where is the annual Pentax FF April fool joke?	LFLee	Pentax Full Frame	27	04-04-2014 03:48 AM
Misc Batman : The Killing Joke	6BQ5	Post Your Photos!	7	02-24-2014 01:58 PM
Joke Thread!	Gooshin	General Talk	327	10-23-2012 08:59 PM
Political Joke Thread	Parallax	General Talk	42	04-20-2012 06:42 AM

03-02-2017, 09:33 AM - 3 Likes	#406
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,173 Original Poster	Nothing like a few bagpipe jokes to start the day! Q: What do bagpipers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? A. Moving targets are harder to hit. Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it. Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise. Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. Q: Did you hear about the bagpiper who played in tune? A: Neither did I. Q: What do you call twenty bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start. Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a bagpipe players arm? A: A tattoo. Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one. Marriage is like playing the bagpipes. It looks easy until you try it. Why did the bagpipe player cross the road?......I thought while accelerating.

03-02-2017, 08:18 PM - 1 Like	#407
audiobomber Veteran Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Sudbury, Ontario Photos: Albums Posts: 6,806	A drunk gets on a bus. As he is fumbling in his pocket for the fare, the impatient driver takes off. The forward acceleration throws the drunk off balance and he staggers to the rear of the bus. As he approaches the back, the driver arrives at the next stop and brakes. The drunk staggers to the front of the bus and starts digging in his pocket again. The driver pulls out, the drunk is thrown off balance and totters to the rear of the bus. This happens for a couple more stops, then the drunk starts to exit the bus. "Wait a minute" says the driver. "You didn't pay the fare." "What the hell do you mean, pay the fare?", says the drunk. "I don't owe you anything. I walked the whole way."

03-05-2017, 06:07 PM	#408
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,173 Original Poster	What's the difference between a bagpipe and a chainsaw? You can tune a chainsaw!

03-07-2017, 07:43 PM	#409
bigdavephoto Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: East central Indiana Photos: Gallery Posts: 893	An older retired couple was sitting on the porch of their house enjoying the late spring evening and reading the paper. The lady, all of a sudden stopped reading the paper, rolled it up, got up from her rocking chair, walked over and hit the man across the back of the head with it. She then turned around and sat back down and started to read again. The man looked over at his wife and asked, "What was that for?" She replied, "That was for not being any good in bed." They both went back to reading when the man all of a sudden stopped reading, blinked a couple of times, rolled up his paper, got up and hit his wife in the back of the head with it. He hit her hard enough to knock her out of the chair, down the steps and to the walk way. She turned to look at her husband as he was sitting down and asked, "What did you do that for?" He just looked at her in the eye while unrolling his paper and said "That was for knowing the difference."

03-07-2017, 09:45 PM - 4 Likes	#411
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	2 cows in the field are happily chewing the grass, when one turns to the other and says " Hey Mabel, this mad cow disease thing sounds bad." Mabel replies, " Don't worry Betty, it doesn't affect us penguins."

03-07-2017, 10:29 PM - 2 Likes	#412
clackers Otis Memorial Pentaxian Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Melbourne Photos: Albums Posts: 16,397	Q. What did the zero say to the eight? A: "Nice belt!"

03-07-2017, 10:49 PM - 1 Like	#413
p38arover Veteran Member Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: Western Sydney, Australia Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 3,084	Originally posted by clackers Q. What did the zero say to the eight? A: "Nice belt!" I had to think about that. At first I thought it was a pool table joke and I don't play pool.

03-08-2017, 12:09 AM - 4 Likes	#414
SpecialK Pentaxian Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: So California Photos: Gallery Posts: 16,481	Originally posted by bertwert Nothing like a few bagpipe jokes to start the day! Curious - when you start learning the bags, how do you know if you are getting better?

03-08-2017, 02:41 AM	#415
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	Originally posted by SpecialK Curious - when you start learning the bags, how do you know if you are getting better? Good one!

03-08-2017, 09:57 AM - 2 Likes	#416
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,173 Original Poster	Originally posted by SpecialK Curious - when you start learning the bags, how do you know if you are getting better? When the family doesn't throw as many rotten tomatoes.

03-08-2017, 11:32 AM - 1 Like	#417
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,108	Do you hear the bagpipes playing? What? DO YOU HEAR THE BAGPIPES PLAYING? What? DO YOU HEAR THE BAG PIPES PLAYING? What?

03-14-2017, 10:47 PM - 1 Like	#418
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	A man inquires to the librarian " Excuse me, I'm looking for a book titled Harmony In Marriage." She replied " Oh yes, you will find it in the fiction section."

03-24-2017, 03:21 AM	#419
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	My wife and I reached the decision long ago that we did not want children. If you do, send us your contact details and we will send ours over. Johnny was feeling sad and asked his mother, " Mommy, I have been thinking that I am adopted, am I? " " No way little man, " she replied with a smile, " if we were going to adopt, we would never have chosen you."

03-24-2017, 03:24 AM	#420
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,108	Of course I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to stand you!