[Unregistered User 8]

Of course I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to stand you!

[Unregistered User 8]

The staff at the sperm bank were all waiting outside the building 10 minutes before the scheduled fire drill.
A very bad case of premature evacuation.

[clackers]

After months of plucking up courage, Tony decides to take a parachute jump. But after leaping out of the tiny Cessna, he pulls the ripcord - and nothing happens.

Alarmed, he pulls his reserve chute cord - and again, nothing happens.

As he's plummeting towards the earth, he spots another man shooting upwards at tremendous speed.

'Do you know anything about parachutes?' cries Tony, as the man passes him.

'No;' is the yelled reply, 'Do you know anything about gas cookers?'

[bertwert]

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn left."

[bertwert]

[WPRESTO]

Not mine:

There was a young lady named Bright,
Who could travel much faster than light.
She went shopping one day,
In her relative way,
And got home on the previous night.

[clackers]

Not mine:

There was a young lady named Bright,
Who could travel much faster than light.
She went shopping one day,
In her relative way,
And got home on the previous night.

I like it!

In the Netflix series 'The Crown', King George Vi is told the following limerick (I won't repeat the king's reply):

There was a young lady named Sally,

Who enjoyed the occasional dally.

She sat on the lap

Of a well-endowed chap,

And cried 'Sir! You're right up my alley!"

[WPRESTO]

Also not original with me:

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

[Unregistered User 8]

" Quotes on the internet are notoriously difficult to verify as coming from the person named."


Source - Abraham Lincoln.

[bxf]

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn left."

Yes, but did he???

[WPRESTO]

I just made this one up, for the amusement of bertwert:

A hundred pipes playing a round-a-lay
Caused windows to rattle six miles away,
The sound was so loud
It deafened the crowd;
More noise than on any Guy Fawkes Day.

AND ALSO:

Two aging Neanderthals were sitting outside in the sun watching a young Cro-Magnon who had a bow and arrow walking by.
One old caveman says to the other: "Well, there goes civilization as we know it."


BTW: I am well aware that the bow and arrow was not invented until long after Neanderthals were gone.

[arnold]

Annoying Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
3. Crack open your briefcase of purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?
4. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
5. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
7. Meow occasionally.
8. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
9. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.
10. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
11. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
12. Annouce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
13. Say "Ding" at each floor.
14. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
15. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
16. Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
17. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
18. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
20. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
21. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
22. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
23. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
24. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
25. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
26. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
27. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
28. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
29. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
30. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
31. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
32. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
33. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
34. Swat at flies that don't exist.
35. Tell people that you can see their aura.
36. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
37. Shave.
38. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
39. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
40. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
41. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
42. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
43. Leave a box between the doors.
44. Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
45. Start a sing-along.
46. One word: Flatulence!
47. Do Tai Chi exercises
48. Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
49. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
51. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
52. Bring a chair along.
53. Lean against the button panel.

[MarkJerling]

54. If you're in an elevator with a friend and a bunch of strangers, "discuss" your mystery illness in excruciating detail.

[bertwert]

55. Pull out your bagpipes...

[Unregistered User 8]

Annoying Things to Do in an Elevator

I think I'll be taking the stairs from now on.