[Parallax]

My wife and I had a formal wedding. White shotguns.

[robtcorl]

The blonde sitting next to me at the bar drinking shots was perplexed.
She was trying to figure out why her brother has 4 sisters and she only has 3.

[Parallax]

A blond was staring at a can of frozen orange juice mix in the freezer section of the grocery.
A clerk asked her if she needed help.
She said "Shhhh! It says concentrate"

[MarkJerling]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect guys getaway trip - hotel, fishing charter, boating, motor racing and golfing.
Two days before the group is to leave Doug's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Doug's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Doug sitting in the bar drinking a beer.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. . . Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off to find all she was wearing nothing. She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. . . On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.

[arnold]

A woman spots a blond on the opposite riverbank. She calls out, "Hello can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?"
The blond looks perplexed, and after a pause, shouts back "You already are on the other side."

[MarkJerling]

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the racetrack. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager.

"You're too cautious and detail-oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.

"What's your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It's simple," the broker explained. "I have two kids, ages two and six, so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."

"But two and six is eight, not nine!" protested the analyst.

"See!" the broker replied, "I told you you're too cautious and detail-oriented."

[robtcorl]

Saw an ad for coffins and thought to myself that's the last thing I need.

[35mmfilmfan]

Bloke says, about a mutual acquaintance 'Oh, he's illigiterate.'

His mate says 'What do you mean ?'

'Even if they could trace his family tree, he couldn't read it !'

[robtcorl]

My wife decided to take advantage of a local dairy offering door to door milk delivery.
She told them she wanted 30 gallons of milk delivered every Wednesday. The guy on the other end of the line said that that was quite an order but they could do it no problem.
So, after they finished up with the billing info he asked my wife why she needed that much milk, day care or what?
She told him oh no, she soaks in it once a week to help keep her skin healthy and wrinkle free.
He then asked my wife if she wanted the milk pasteurized.
She told him “ no thank you, up to my boobs will be fine”.

[Parallax]

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

[Parallax]

How to Cook A Turkey



Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey.

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven.

Step 4. Take another two drinks.

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Three thee more wiskeys of drink.

Step 7: Turn oven the on.

Step 8: Take four whisks of drinky.

Step 9: Turk the bastery

Step 10: Whickey another bottle of get.

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer.

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for four hours.

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey.

Step 15: Floor the turkey up off the pick.

Step 16: Turk the carvey.

Step 17: Get yourself a scuttle of botch.

Step 18: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.

Step 219: Bless the saying, pass and eat out !

[fuzzyphotos]

I was reading a troubleshooting guide this afternoon, unfortunately this is no joke. Here is what they said.

"the problem may be using battery powered batteries."

Are there other types of batteries?

[robtcorl]

Q: My child doesn't like meat. With what can I replace it?

A: A dog. Dogs love meat.

[robtcorl]

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Found out it was the refrigerator instead.

[clackers]

The man who invented the ferris wheel never met the inventor of the merry-go-round.

They moved in different circles.