The Joke Thread

**normhead** · 02-07-2016, 03:19 PM - **2 Likes**

Jean Paul and Pierre and walking down the street.

They pass a dog lying by the road licking his balls.

Jean Pierre says, "I wish I could do dat.."
Pierre says "you can Jean Paul my friend, but you should pet him first."

**Riggomatic** · 02-07-2016, 03:42 PM

What makes a forum.....

a two-um plus a two-um

**W.j.christy** · 02-09-2016, 09:34 AM - **1 Like**

What's the difference between a skunk and a lawyer that has been run over ? The skunk has skid marks....

a bachelor went out with his buddies for his bachelors party to celebrate his last days as a free man before his wedding. Through a series of unfortunate events and one particularly vigorous lap dance our bachelor ended up at the doctors office with a particularly disadvantageous injury considering his nuptials where only a few days away and he and his wife to be had never even seen each other naked.

He asked the doc, "doc will I be alright for my wedding night?" my fiancé and I have never seen each other naked and she has never been with any other man. I just gotta be ready for my wedding night." the doctor said "if you do exactly as I say and don't touch it for the next few days I promise you will be well for the wedding night." With that the doc put him in splint with medical tape and told him not to take it off until the night after the wedding.

Well a few days later our bachelor got married and after an exhausting reception he was finally alone with his new bride. His bride said "let me go slip into something more comfortable" and entered the restroom leaving our man waiting on the bed.

When she finally came out she was the very vision of beauty and said "this body has never been touched by anyone else and I give myself to you my love"

Our man, a little overly excited, said "I can beat that!" and quickly undressed "Look he!" He exclaimed "Its still in the original packaging!"

doroth2 · 02-11-2016, 07:47 PM

Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie?

It was rated arrrrr

**bertwert** · 02-12-2016, 04:35 PM

**Riggomatic** · 02-13-2016, 05:46 PM - **2 Likes**

Clipped from the Sunday paper a while back

**bertwert** · 04-19-2016, 07:24 AM - **3 Likes**

99 little bugs in the code,
99 little bugs,
Take one down, patch it around,

123 little bugs in the code,
...

bigdavephoto · 04-19-2016, 11:27 AM

What do you call a Hula Hoop with a nail in it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A navel destroyer.

Parallax · 04-19-2016, 11:31 AM

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. It can't be done. That's a hardware problem.

bxf · 04-20-2016, 01:48 AM

Customer: I'd like a cup of coffee, without cream, please
Waiter: Sorry, we're all out of cream. Would you mind having it without milk instead?

---

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their
60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that
because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the
tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have
a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

---

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up.
Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

---

This guy was going to see his favorite baseball team play. He had been eagerly waiting for
this day for months! He got to the game, found his seat and began to settle in. He picked up
his newspaper, got his beer and his hot dog and just as he got comfortable he heard
someone yell, "Hey Steve!" He put down his hot-dog, put down his beer, folded up his
newspaper and stood up, looked around . . . no one.

So he sat down, picked up his beer, picked up his hot-dog, got his newspaper situated and just
as he did, he heard, "Hey, Steve!" A little frustrated at this point, he put down his beer, put down
his hot-dog and folded up his newspaper, stood up, looked over the crowd . . . no one.

He sat back down, picked up his beer, picked up his hot-dog, got his newspaper and feeling
quite frustrated, tried to enjoy himself. Just as he did he heard, "HEY STEVE!"

Okay, enough's enough! He frustratedly put down his beer, put down his hot-dog, threw down
his paper, turned around and yelled, "MY NAME'S NOT STEVE!"

**Riggomatic** · 04-20-2016, 04:11 PM

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says “gosh, it’s hot in here”. The other muffin screams “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”

SpecialK · 04-20-2016, 05:44 PM - **1 Like**

Many years ago, a couple had a set of twin boys, but the parents were too poor to keep the babies, and the children were reluctantly given up for adoption. Nearly 20 years later, the mother received a letter from one of the children, who had been raised in Spain, and was named Juan. He explained he had finally learned who his biological parents were, and wanted to meet one day. He enclosed a photograph of himself.

The mother was beside herself with joy at seeing the photo of one of her children. She wrote back to Juan and asked about the other boy. Juan replied that the other boy was living in Egypt, and was named Amal.

The mother cried with happiness at the news, and excitedly told her husband she wished she had a photo of Amal as well.

Her husband looked up from his newspaper and replied, "But, dear, they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

**Tonytee** · 04-20-2016, 08:24 PM

An elderly couple, both 97 years old are in their attorney's office and informed the attorney that they had decided to go through with a divorce. Astonished, the attorney replied, "Well, my goodness, at this juncture in your lives, why not see it all the way through? The woman stood up, doubled up her fists and proclaimed, " No, no, no, we promised each other we would wait, until the kids were dead!!! I love that joke.

Tonytee

---------- Post added 04-20-16 at 08:50 PM ----------

These two gentlemen had been close friends since childhood. One was married and the other, still single. The single fellow says to his married friend, "You know what?, The other day I was reading an article where these researchers discovered that married men tend to live longer." The married friend said, "Well, obviously, you read it wrong, it just seeeeeeeems longer.

Tonytee

**Tonytee** · 04-23-2016, 02:50 AM

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and each take a stool. The bartender comes over and says, "What is this a joke?"

Tonytee

timb64 · 04-23-2016, 04:09 AM

Man walks into a bar,"Ouch!"

04-20-2016, 08:24 PM	#43
Tonytee Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 8,007	An elderly couple, both 97 years old are in their attorney's office and informed the attorney that they had decided to go through with a divorce. Astonished, the attorney replied, "Well, my goodness, at this juncture in your lives, why not see it all the way through? The woman stood up, doubled up her fists and proclaimed, " No, no, no, we promised each other we would wait, until the kids were dead!!! I love that joke. Tonytee ---------- Post added 04-20-16 at 08:50 PM ---------- These two gentlemen had been close friends since childhood. One was married and the other, still single. The single fellow says to his married friend, "You know what?, The other day I was reading an article where these researchers discovered that married men tend to live longer." The married friend said, "Well, obviously, you read it wrong, it just seeeeeeeems longer. Tonytee Last edited by Tonytee; 04-20-2016 at 08:37 PM.

04-23-2016, 02:50 AM	#44
Tonytee Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 8,007	A priest, rabbi and a minister A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and each take a stool. The bartender comes over and says, "What is this a joke?" Tonytee

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02-07-2016, 03:19 PM - 2 Likes	#31
normhead Pentaxian Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Near Algonquin Park Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 31,947	Jean Paul and Pierre and walking down the street. They pass a dog lying by the road licking his balls. Jean Pierre says, "I wish I could do dat.." Pierre says "you can Jean Paul my friend, but you should pet him first."

02-07-2016, 03:42 PM	#32
Riggomatic Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Nov 2014 Location: Auburn, Indiana Photos: Albums Posts: 2,172	What makes a forum..... a two-um plus a two-um

02-09-2016, 09:34 AM - 1 Like	#33
W.j.christy Site Supporter Join Date: Oct 2015 Location: Texas Photos: Albums Posts: 546	What's the difference between a skunk and a lawyer that has been run over ? The skunk has skid marks.... a bachelor went out with his buddies for his bachelors party to celebrate his last days as a free man before his wedding. Through a series of unfortunate events and one particularly vigorous lap dance our bachelor ended up at the doctors office with a particularly disadvantageous injury considering his nuptials where only a few days away and he and his wife to be had never even seen each other naked. He asked the doc, "doc will I be alright for my wedding night?" my fiancé and I have never seen each other naked and she has never been with any other man. I just gotta be ready for my wedding night." the doctor said "if you do exactly as I say and don't touch it for the next few days I promise you will be well for the wedding night." With that the doc put him in splint with medical tape and told him not to take it off until the night after the wedding. Well a few days later our bachelor got married and after an exhausting reception he was finally alone with his new bride. His bride said "let me go slip into something more comfortable" and entered the restroom leaving our man waiting on the bed. When she finally came out she was the very vision of beauty and said "this body has never been touched by anyone else and I give myself to you my love" Our man, a little overly excited, said "I can beat that!" and quickly undressed "Look he!" He exclaimed "Its still in the original packaging!"

02-11-2016, 07:47 PM	#34
doroth2 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2016 Photos: Albums Posts: 144	Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie? It was rated arrrrr

02-12-2016, 04:35 PM	#35
bertwert Resident Bagpiper Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Photos: Albums Posts: 10,235 Original Poster

04-19-2016, 07:24 AM - 3 Likes	#37
bertwert Resident Bagpiper Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Photos: Albums Posts: 10,235 Original Poster	99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs, Take one down, patch it around, 123 little bugs in the code, ...

04-19-2016, 11:27 AM	#38
bigdavephoto Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: East central Indiana Photos: Gallery Posts: 780	What do you call a Hula Hoop with a nail in it? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . A navel destroyer.

04-19-2016, 11:31 AM	#39
Parallax Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 15,962	How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It can't be done. That's a hardware problem.

04-20-2016, 01:48 AM	#40
bxf Pentaxian Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,287	Customer: I'd like a cup of coffee, without cream, please Waiter: Sorry, we're all out of cream. Would you mind having it without milk instead? --- A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90. --- A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it." --- This guy was going to see his favorite baseball team play. He had been eagerly waiting for this day for months! He got to the game, found his seat and began to settle in. He picked up his newspaper, got his beer and his hot dog and just as he got comfortable he heard someone yell, "Hey Steve!" He put down his hot-dog, put down his beer, folded up his newspaper and stood up, looked around . . . no one. So he sat down, picked up his beer, picked up his hot-dog, got his newspaper situated and just as he did, he heard, "Hey, Steve!" A little frustrated at this point, he put down his beer, put down his hot-dog and folded up his newspaper, stood up, looked over the crowd . . . no one. He sat back down, picked up his beer, picked up his hot-dog, got his newspaper and feeling quite frustrated, tried to enjoy himself. Just as he did he heard, "HEY STEVE!" Okay, enough's enough! He frustratedly put down his beer, put down his hot-dog, threw down his paper, turned around and yelled, "MY NAME'S NOT STEVE!"

04-20-2016, 04:11 PM	#41
Riggomatic Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Nov 2014 Location: Auburn, Indiana Photos: Albums Posts: 2,172	Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says “gosh, it’s hot in here”. The other muffin screams “AAAH!! A talking muffin!”

04-20-2016, 05:44 PM - 1 Like	#42
SpecialK Pentaxian Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: So California Photos: Gallery Posts: 15,569	Many years ago, a couple had a set of twin boys, but the parents were too poor to keep the babies, and the children were reluctantly given up for adoption. Nearly 20 years later, the mother received a letter from one of the children, who had been raised in Spain, and was named Juan. He explained he had finally learned who his biological parents were, and wanted to meet one day. He enclosed a photograph of himself. The mother was beside herself with joy at seeing the photo of one of her children. She wrote back to Juan and asked about the other boy. Juan replied that the other boy was living in Egypt, and was named Amal. The mother cried with happiness at the news, and excitedly told her husband she wished she had a photo of Amal as well. Her husband looked up from his newspaper and replied, "But, dear, they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

04-23-2016, 04:09 AM	#45
timb64 Pentaxian Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Out in the sticks,Suffolk,UK(or SE Asia,if I'm lucky!) Photos: Gallery Posts: 5,903	Man walks into a bar,"Ouch!"