[WPRESTO]

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

I put my grandmother on speed dial.I call it "insta-gram."

A termite walked into a bar and asked: "Is the bar tender here?"

---------- Post added 07-05-22 at 10:15 AM ----------

A shepherd drove his sheep through town. He was ticketed from making a ewe turn.

My IQ test just came back negative!

Dogs are never good dancers because they have two left feet.

What do call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.

The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

He was fired from the calendar factory for taking a day off.

[WPRESTO]

I do have one skeleton in my closet. It's the winner of "hide and seek" from my 21st birthday party.

[ehrwien]

A bear walks into a bar and asks "Can you make me a Gin and…………………… Tonic?"

Bartender says “Sure thing. But tell me, what’s with the big pause?”

Bear says "I don’t know. They’ve always been like this."

[WPRESTO]

Men are supposed to prefer dogs to cats, so why is it they don't want to be in the doghouse, but smile at the thought of being in the cat house?

[WPRESTO]

An unaltered female dog can change from being a sweetheart into a sweat-heat

[35mmfilmfan]

As in : Don't sweat the petty things - Don't pet the sweaty things.

[timb64]

Three generations of a family are having breakfast together .

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.

His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "You’re still a charmer," and passes the sugar.

The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?”

[35mmfilmfan]

When my ex- was giving birth, I held her hand very very tightly.





This was to ensure that she never got the opportunity to prevent us having another.

[clackers]

"Three sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them, "You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins then."

And so the 3 sailors, being watched closely by the tribesmen, do just that. The first sailor returns to the chief with 3 apples. The chief says,

"Time for the test. You take all 3 fruit and 1 by 1 you put them in your backside. You not make any sound, you not make any face. You do this you live. You become one of us. You fail, you lose head."

The sailor begrudgingly begins the task, realizing it is his only hope to live. He succeeds with the first apple. After a moment of recuperation, he begins once again; he was successful. On the third apple, however, he grimaces. He is met with an immediate and swift death.

The second sailor returns from the forest with 3 cherries. The chief repeats:

"Time for the test. You take all 3 fruit and 1 by 1 you put them in your backside ..."

The sailor, content with his choice, begins with the first cherry. Easy. He grabs the second cherry. No problems. He grabs the third cherry. As he's finishing up, he breaks out into laughter. The chief's pleased smile quickly fades and is replaced by a rage filled scorn. He kills the sailor on the spot.

In the afterlife, the first sailor asks the second sailor,

"You were so close!! What happened? Why did you break?"

The second sailor replies, "I couldn't help it! I lost it when I saw the third guy coming back with three watermelons.""

[timb64]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."

[MarkJerling]

"Three sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them, "You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins then."

And so the 3 sailors, being watched closely by the tribesmen, do just that. The first sailor returns to the chief with 3 apples. The chief says,

"Time for the test. You take all 3 fruit and 1 by 1 you put them in your backside. You not make any sound, you not make any face. You do this you live. You become one of us. You fail, you lose head."

The sailor begrudgingly begins the task, realizing it is his only hope to live. He succeeds with the first apple. After a moment of recuperation, he begins once again; he was successful. On the third apple, however, he grimaces. He is met with an immediate and swift death.

The second sailor returns from the forest with 3 cherries. The chief repeats:

"Time for the test. You take all 3 fruit and 1 by 1 you put them in your backside ..."

The sailor, content with his choice, begins with the first cherry. Easy. He grabs the second cherry. No problems. He grabs the third cherry. As he's finishing up, he breaks out into laughter. The chief's pleased smile quickly fades and is replaced by a rage filled scorn. He kills the sailor on the spot.

In the afterlife, the first sailor asks the second sailor,

"You were so close!! What happened? Why did you break?"

The second sailor replies, "I couldn't help it! I lost it when I saw the third guy coming back with three watermelons.""

Brilliant!

[ehrwien]

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc."

That's a tough one for a non-native speaker to get, I had to consult Google to understand it, but it seems like it was well worth it.

[richard0170]

Stopped in a pub on my bike ride the other day. Another customer was chatting to the barman...
"When are you off on holiday?" asked the customer.
"Two weeks today." replied the barman,
"Going anywhere nice?"
"Crete."
"Hmmm." I said, "You do realise that when you get back you will be exCrete."
Barman looked at me somewhat askance.
"But never mind," I continued,"at least whilst you are there, you will very definitely be conCrete."

[35mmfilmfan]

Stopped in a pub on my bike ride the other day. Another customer was chatting to the barman...
"When are you off on holiday?" asked the customer.
"Two weeks today." replied the barman,
"Going anywhere nice?"
"Crete."
"Hmmm." I said, "You do realise that when you get back you will be exCrete."
Barman looked at me somewhat askance.
"But never mind," I continued,"at least whilst you are there, you will very definitely be conCrete."

Don't tell everyone - be discrete.

[richard0170]

Don't tell everyone - be discrete.

Oh dear.....