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05-08-2017, 02:00 AM - 1 Like   #526
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Quite a bit of truth there from XKCD......




Last edited by Liney; 05-08-2017 at 02:02 AM. Reason: added reference to source
05-09-2017, 06:02 AM - 2 Likes   #527
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René Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender says "want a beer?"
Descartes says "I don't think so.....................






.......................therefore I am not."

Last edited by Parallax; 05-09-2017 at 06:32 AM.
05-09-2017, 07:26 AM - 3 Likes   #528
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A gentleman visits a 'lady of negotiable affection'.
She greets him politely, and they discuss his particular requirements.
'First of all', he says, 'I would like us to dress in waterproof rainwear.'
So, she goes to her closet and brings out clothing to suit his needs.
He then asks her to turn on her shower, to simulate the sound of falling rain.
She does this, wondering where all his desires will lead.
'Next, he says, 'I would like you to turn the lights on and off rapidly, to provide lightning effects, please.'
He then begins to kick her nightstand, sounding like thunder.
He's paid for this, but she is still curious, and after a couple of minutes asks him
'Are we going to make love soon ?'









'In this weather ? Are you out of your mind ?'
05-10-2017, 10:49 AM - 2 Likes   #529
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The Saw Accident

Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut off all of his fingers. He quickly ran down the street to the emergency room. The doctor quickly examined his hands and asked for the fingers.

"I don't have the fingers." Ben gasped through his pain.

"What do you mean you don't have the fingers? We aren't living in the Dark Ages here! I can reattach those fingers and you'd be as good as new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

"Gosh, Doc!" Ben yelled. "I guess I couldn't pick 'em up!"



EMAZING Quote of the Day

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

- Scott Adams

05-10-2017, 02:29 PM - 6 Likes   #530
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Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah," none could say "Truck.”.
05-14-2017, 05:59 AM - 1 Like   #531
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What is the definition of a " split second? "


The time between the traffic light turning green, and the horns starting to beep.
05-14-2017, 07:23 AM - 4 Likes   #532
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Apologies if this is an oldie - so am I

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” The officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”
05-14-2017, 06:01 PM   #533
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
Apologies if this is an oldie - so am I

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” The officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”
And old one, but it always makes me laugh. Thanks for posting.

05-16-2017, 03:04 AM - 1 Like   #534
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I phoned the Police the other day.
A very helpful officer answered the phone, and asked what he could to to assist me.

I said, 'I have been the victim of identity theft, Officer !'

He said 'I am sorry to hear that sir - may I ask who is calling ?'








I said 'I wish I knew'.
05-16-2017, 08:45 AM   #535
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I dated a gal in high school that was so cold natured she wore sweaters year round.
Thick heavy ones in the winter, light thin ones in the summer.

I never did get to pull the wool over that gal's eyes.
05-16-2017, 11:39 AM - 3 Likes   #536
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
05-16-2017, 01:44 PM   #537
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
Another oldie but goldie!
05-17-2017, 12:15 AM - 2 Likes   #538
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An elderly couple married for 65 years, had finished their meal and were sitting together on the sofa.
Elizabeth looked lovingly at Jack and said " I remember a time when you would kiss me whenever you could."
Jack leaned over and gently kissed her.
A little time passed and she said " We used to hold hands all time too."
He clasped her hand, and squeezed it lovingly.
" You haven't nibbled my neck for ages either."
Jack sighed, released her hand and got up to leave.
" Were are you going Jack? "
" To get my teeth."
05-17-2017, 12:21 AM - 1 Like   #539
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QuoteOriginally posted by pjv Quote
An elderly couple married for 65 years, had finished their meal and were sitting together on the sofa.
Elizabeth looked lovingly at Jack and said " I remember a time when you would kiss me whenever you could."
Jack leaned over and gently kissed her.
A little time passed and she said " We used to hold hands all time too."
He clasped her hand, and squeezed it lovingly.
" You haven't nibbled my neck for ages either."
Jack sighed, released her hand and got up to leave.
" Were are you going Jack? "
" To get my teeth."
You saw that in the Herald-Sun today, too, PJV!

I like it.
05-17-2017, 12:46 AM   #540
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QuoteOriginally posted by clackers Quote
You saw that in the Herald-Sun today, too, PJV!

I like it.
I paraphrased a little clackers, but yes, I saw it and laughed and thought others might enjoy it too !!!
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