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05-17-2017, 11:45 AM - 2 Likes   #541
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Courtesy of an old boss/mate (after a couple of years when he definitely wasn't the latter !)

"Dog Ad

This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.

She is 66 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house."

05-24-2017, 03:57 AM - 2 Likes   #542
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The Chinese monkey god Sun Wukong, a notorious trickster, invited Pan, the half-goat god, to share a meal. As they walked through a meadow to Sun Wukong's home, Pan stepped in a fresh cow-pie, cleverly placed by the monkey god.
Laughing hysterically, Sun Wukong pointed to his guest's dirty cloven foot and said: "Moo goo, Guy Pan."
05-24-2017, 10:13 AM - 3 Likes   #543
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Carp Recipe

Here's a recipe for cooking carp:
- soak a newspaper in water for 5 minutes
- wrap the carp in the newspaper
- bury the newspaper-wrapped carp under two inches of mud
- build a campfire on top of the mud
- light the fire and keep it burning for two hours
- when the coals are sufficiently cool, dig up the carp and newspaper.
- unwrap the carp from newspaper
- throw away the carp
- eat the newspaper
05-24-2017, 11:11 AM - 1 Like   #544
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QuoteOriginally posted by audiobomber Quote
Here's a recipe for cooking carp:
- soak a newspaper in water for 5 minutes
- wrap the carp in the newspaper
- bury the newspaper-wrapped carp under two inches of mud
- build a campfire on top of the mud
- light the fire and keep it burning for two hours
- when the coals are sufficiently cool, dig up the carp and newspaper.
- unwrap the carp from newspaper
- throw away the carp
- eat the newspaper
Is that called "Bake News?"

05-31-2017, 04:18 AM - 2 Likes   #545
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Bob turns up to the fancy dress party with a girl on his back.


Mike answers the door and asks " What are you supposed to be? "


" A turtle " says Bob.


" How does that work? "


" The girl on my back is Michelle."
05-31-2017, 08:25 AM   #546
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Maybe it's groan day here today?
If so:
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way.
05-31-2017, 11:30 AM   #547
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QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
Maybe it's groan day here today
Yes, so it seems.
06-01-2017, 01:07 AM - 2 Likes   #548
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And now a joke with the new, improved EGF (enhanced groan factor).

Henri Toulouse-Lautrec was sitting at his favourite table in the Moulin Rouge, watching the nightly performance of the Can-Can. One of his favourite filles-de-joie (whom we'll call Marie, although her name was really Yvette) came to his table. He looked at her with his practised artist's eye, and detected a subtle difference in her appearance - her hair, previously a lustrous brunette, was noticeably lighter in shade. He called the waiter, Anton, across, and asked him about it.

Anton looked sad, and indicated that he himself was not happy with the alteration either. Henri pressed him for further details, and Anton explained that Yvette had been in the company of the Green Fairy on too many occasions recently. Henri asked for clarification, and Anton replied :



'Absinthe makes the tart grow blonder.'

06-01-2017, 05:42 AM   #549
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
And now a joke with the new, improved EGF (enhanced groan factor).

Henri Toulouse-Lautrec was sitting at his favourite table in the Moulin Rouge, watching the nightly performance of the Can-Can. One of his favourite filles-de-joie (whom we'll call Marie, although her name was really Yvette) came to his table. He looked at her with his practised artist's eye, and detected a subtle difference in her appearance - her hair, previously a lustrous brunette, was noticeably lighter in shade. He called the waiter, Anton, across, and asked him about it.

Anton looked sad, and indicated that he himself was not happy with the alteration either. Henri pressed him for further details, and Anton explained that Yvette had been in the company of the Green Fairy on too many occasions recently. Henri asked for clarification, and Anton replied :



'Absinthe makes the tart grow blonder.'
Ouch! Moan! Groan! But, I like it!
06-01-2017, 05:56 AM - 4 Likes   #550
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OK, if you insist...

A bunch of snails decided to have a race day, just like car racing, but slower.

Twenty snails were entered in the race, and each was identified with a large letter on its shell. The initial rounds were run, as the snails went around the track pretending to be sports cars, but slower.

By the time the finals were reached, snails D, H, K, P, and S remained.

The crowd was very enthusiastic and high on anticipation, The snails, pretending to be cars, lined up, and finally took off as they were given the green light.

And so they trudged along, with most of the snails holding their own, except the 'S' snail, which fell back quite a bit. But, as they reached the final turn, this 'S' snail suddenly took off at an amazing speed*. Seeing that, several spectators in the crowd exclaimed "wow, look at that S car go!"

* Same as "rate of speed" for some of you Americans
06-01-2017, 06:43 AM - 4 Likes   #551
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On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride . . .
. . . "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship."
"What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."
"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."
06-01-2017, 12:48 PM - 2 Likes   #552
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Two greenhorn hunters got lost in the deep woods.
One of them decides to shoot into the air to try and signal for help.
When no help comes, they decide to continue forward to try and find anyone who can give them directions back to camp.

Half the day goes by, they continue walking and shooting into the air ever so often.
Finally, dusk falls, and they make a campfire for the night.
One hunter turns to the other and says, "Boy, I sure hope we get someone's attention soon."
"Yeah," says the second hunter, "we're starting to run out of arrows!"
06-03-2017, 11:41 AM - 1 Like   #553
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What is a microwave?
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It is a hand gesture made by a midget to say hello.
06-04-2017, 02:23 PM - 7 Likes   #554
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An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that I tell you a few things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
06-04-2017, 04:43 PM   #555
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A friend of mine had a commission to shoot a video of a greyhound race. He arrived early at the track, to work out angles, lighting etc, and was met by a most attractive kennel maid. She was helpfulness itself, taking him to meet the dogs, making helpful suggestions as to where he could stand and set up his equipment, and eventually he decided to shoot from within the track compound, facing the spectators, from a low angle to catch the hounds as they sped towards him.

Details settled, the kennel maid suggested they repair to the bar, but my friend said he wanted no alcohol, in order to be able to fully concentrate on the evening's work. He had a pint of orange juice and lemonade, while the kennel maid had a white wine. My friend joked that it matched the coat she was wearing, and she smiled demurely. He noticed a door at the end of the bar, and enquired if that was the way to the rest rooms. The maid told him that they were off the corridor down which they had entered the bar, and that that was the door to a private room. As she said this, she put her hand on his arm, and smiled at him.

By now the race was about to start, and he went down to his allotted position, glancing up at the window of the bar to see the kennel maid, who waved at him. Putting all other thoughts out of his mind, he concentrated on the job in hand. The dogs were led to the traps, the countdown began, the doors opened, and the dogs shot towards him, as he concentrated on filming the action.

Suddenly, there was mass confusion as the dogs began to slow - some stopped, others tripped and fell, and soon the track was covered with a barking canine chaotic confusion. His friend the maid came over to him, and said she was sorry, but that he would need to go for a retake. He asked what had happened to cause the problem, and back came the movie-maker's most dreaded response :









Hare in the gate.
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