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06-20-2017, 11:12 AM - 9 Likes   #571
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As we get older, we get more outspoken.
At Costco today I just couldn't bite my tongue and told a lady that she had painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

06-24-2017, 02:24 AM - 5 Likes   #572
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Two elephants see a totally naked guy walk past them in the jungle.


After thinking for a while one elephant turns to the other and says: “ I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing. ”
06-26-2017, 01:40 PM - 10 Likes   #573
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Why should you never trust atoms?

They make up everything.




Anybody have any jokes about sodium?

Na?




How often do you like to hear jokes about elements?

Periodically?




Sorry for all the bad chemistry jokes. All of the good ones argon

Last edited by Parallax; 06-27-2017 at 03:35 PM.
06-27-2017, 12:28 PM   #574
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
Why should you never trust atoms?

They make up everything.




Anybody have any jokes about sodium?

Na?




How often do you like to hear jokes zbout elements?

Periodically?




Sorry for al the bad chemistry jokes. All of the good one argon
My wife loved them, but then she has a degree in biochemistry. Even for a non science guy like myself, I thought they were pretty good.

06-27-2017, 04:11 PM - 6 Likes   #575
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A duck walks into a bar and says " A pot of beer, a pie and today's paper please"
The bartender is dumbfounded and stammers "Y-You can talk?"
"Of course" says the duck "Now please be quick, I have to get back to work"
The bartender gets the order and when it's delivered says "Where do you work?"
"I am on the construction site over the road there, I'm a plasterer" says the duck.
He has his lunch and reads the paper and is soon on his way.

The circus is in town and later on a couple of clowns come in for a drink before the show.
The bartender is quick to tell them about the talking duck. " He would be great for your show" he says.
One clown hands him a business card and says "Tell him we are interested if he comes in again"

Next day the duck comes in for lunch and the bartender hands him the card and says "The circus has a job for you"
The duck scratches his chin and says "Circus, don't they put their shows on in tents?" "Yes" says the bartender.
"And don't they live in caravans?" says the duck. "Yes they do" says the bartender.

The duck looks even more confused "Then what the hell do they need a plasterer for?"
06-27-2017, 09:56 PM - 5 Likes   #576
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BEAUTY PARLOR - A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS - The animal you can eat before it is born and after it is dead.

COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF - Cold Storage.

INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET - A story you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW- One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed.

Last edited by SpecialK; 06-28-2017 at 09:21 AM.
06-28-2017, 01:54 AM - 5 Likes   #577
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My brother went to jail.


He didn't take it very well.


He was yelling insults and attacking everyone.


He even threw his faeces at the wall.


I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
06-28-2017, 03:13 PM   #578
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My dog is a great science fiction fan. Every time he sees the postman on his bicycle, he rushes up to him and Asimov.

06-29-2017, 02:18 PM - 7 Likes   #579
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A sixteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15.00?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15.00."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly tending to the flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
06-29-2017, 05:56 PM - 4 Likes   #580
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Went on holidays to the Canary Islands - did all the usual things, swim, walked and relaxed. But the funny thing about the Canary Islands - there were no canaries.

On the way home we stopped off for another week in the Virgin Islands. Did much the same - swam, walked and relaxed but the funny thing about the Virgin Islands..........no canaries either.
06-30-2017, 12:06 AM - 2 Likes   #581
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" Breaking Wind " in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
06-30-2017, 07:04 AM - 3 Likes   #582
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A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. The consulting company advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the”Rowing Team Quality First Program“, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.
06-30-2017, 11:57 AM - 1 Like   #583
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A true optimist is a guy that falls off the top of a 20 story building and as he passes each floor says:
"I'm doing okay so far."
06-30-2017, 02:04 PM - 4 Likes   #584
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Well, nobody ever died from a fall.
It's the sudden stop at the bottom that's the killer.
06-30-2017, 06:23 PM - 1 Like   #585
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If you've done the best you can,
But the crap still hits the fan -
The day may not be a complete loss :

Some of the crap might hit the boss.
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