[AggieDad]

A man sees an ad in the paper for a tailor-made suit for only $99. He needs a new suit and this is cheaper than anything he can buy off the rack, so off he goes to the tailor. The tailor takes all his measurements and tells him to come back in a week and his suit will be ready.

He returns and tries on the suit. It's a disaster. One leg of the trousers is a bit longer than the other. The tailor tells him to just bend his one leg and and lean a lean a little and, sure enough, both cuffs break perfectly. The coat has similar problems. The shoulders are unmatched, but the tailor tells him to hunch up on one side and it all will be good. Then there is a problem with one of the coat's arms, but the tailor explains if he holds his arm just so all will be good.

The man is not pleased, but he figures that he really can't expect more for only $99. So off he goes. He is standing on the corner waiting for a bus, and he is all twisted and hunched in his new suit.

A car stops at the intersection and the woman in the car sees him there. She turns to her husband and says, "Look at that poor man, all hunched and twisted. Don't you feel sorry for him?"

Her husband replies, "Yeah, it's a shame. But I sure would like to know who his tailor is. That suit is a fantastic fit!"

[Tonytee]

This couple had been married for many, many years. Unfortunately the wife was now on her death bed with her husband sitting next to her. She decided to ask her husband a series of questions. "Well, do you think you will remarry after I am gone?". Her husband replied, "Oh sure, can't see any point in living the rest of my life alone."
Oh, I understand, replied the wife. Then she asks, "Do you think she will live in our home?" Her husband replied, "Oh, of course, after all, she will be my wife." The wife sighed and said, Oh, I understand. The wife now asks, "Well, do you think she will sleep in our bed?" Now the husband replied, "Well, certainly, again, she will be my wife."
Again she sighed and said, "Oh, I see." The wife asks, "Do you think you will let her use my golf clubs?" Now the husband sighs and says, "Oh, I don't believe I could do something like that." The wife, understandably surprised by her husband's response, uttered, "Well, why not?" The husband thinks again and responded, "Well, because she's left handed." I just love that joke.

Regards,

Tonytee

[logomancer]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were camping in the British countryside. In the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson awake. "Watson," he asks, "look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson is annoyed at having been woken up, but indulges his dear friend and colleague. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignficant. Uh, what does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Well, Watson," Holmes says, "it tells me that someone's stolen our tent."

[Tonytee]

What do you call a guy with one short leg walking through the Autumn leaves? Russel.

Fred and Hilda went on a cruise. They were older and retired and Hilda was hard of hearing. While sunning on the deck a gent alongside of them struck up a conversation. He asked them where they were from. Fred replied, Chicago. Hilda asked what the man's question had been and Fred, in a loud tone told her, "he asked where we were from." The gent then said he once knew and dated a woman from Chicago. He followed with ..."she was the worst <potty mouth word deleted by mod> I have ever had."

Hilda asked again, what did he say? Fred said loudly...he thinks he knows you!

A guy called 911 to report that he thought his wife was dead. The 911 Operator asked why he thought this? The guy responded...."Well, the sex is the same as always, but the dirty laundry and dishes are piling up."

I get these from Otis, but 99% of them can't be posted here!

Regards!

Now that is something I have a hard time getting my mind around. After all, every time I see squirrels, they are always naked. Huurrrrumph.

Tonytee

[Tonytee]

A horse walks into a bar, bartender comes over and says, "Hey, why the long face?"

Tonytee

[MarkJerling]

Did you know that elephants hide remarkably well in cherry trees.





No?





Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

[Rupert]

A special for AggieDad.....

Two Aggies went deer hunting in the Texas brush country and while split up one mistook the other for a deer and fired away. Soon realizing his horrible mistake, he rushed his Aggie buddy to the nearest hospital emergency room. After a few minutes the doctor came out and told the Aggie buddy.....

"I'm sorry to tell you we couldn't save your pal. We might have done better if you hadn't field dressed him."

[ivanvernon]

A priest, rabbi, and minister walk into a bar together. What did they say?

Ouch.


---------------------------------

Cop stops a guy driving a pickup.

"Sir, are you aware that your wife fell out of your truck five miles back down the road?"

"Thank God," he says. "I thought I had gone deaf!"

[gaweidert]

How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch?



He paints his toenails red.

[gaweidert]

Hopefully this doesn't get Otis too riled up.

Sign in an Alaskan restaurant.

BOWL OF SOUP: $5.00
TEXAS SIZE BOWL: $2.50

[nikono]

At first, God created the man and called him "man". But because God was often away back in Heaven for "homework", the man on the Earth had no one to talk to, He complained about loneliness so God created a companion to keep the man busy.
Before God could name the newly created creature, the man saw "it" "her", his eyes opened wide and exclaimed in ecstasy "WO! Man!!!"

[Tonytee]

A skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender comes over and says, 'What will you have, Pal?" The skeleton replied, "I'll a beer, and a mop." ))

Tonytee

[AggieDad]

A special for AggieDad.....

Two Aggies went deer hunting in the Texas brush country and while split up one mistook the other for a deer and fired away. Soon realizing his horrible mistake, he rushed his Aggie buddy to the nearest hospital emergency room. After a few minutes the doctor came out and told the Aggie buddy.....

"I'm sorry to tell you we couldn't save your pal. We might have done better if you hadn't field dressed him."

Com'on Rupert. That's not a joke. It happens at least once every deer season.

But speaking of Aggie jokes (and in this part of Texas, who doesn't), here's one about a student taking a test.

Seems this Aggie was taking a true/false test (probably poli-sci) and was using a quarter to help with the answers. The professor looked on amused as the Ag would flip the coin, mark an answer; flip the coin, mark an answer; and so on. Finally he finished the test and put his head down and took a bit of a rest.

After about 5 minutes, he woke up, picked up his quarter and went back to page one of the test. He again started flipping the coin. Sometimes he would change an answer, and sometimes he would let it stand.

The professor could't figure out what he was doing, so finally, when his curiosity got the better of him, he went back and asked his student what the heck was going on. "Well Professor," said the Ag, "I'm checking my work."

I am sorry to say that in the less politically correct times of the 1950s when I grew up in Philadelphia, these were called Polak jokes. But they definitely are (and always have been) Aggie jokes as any Texan can tell you.

[Rupert]

I am sorry to say that in the less politically correct times of the 1950s when I grew up in Philadelphia, these were called Polak jokes. But they definitely are (and always have been) Aggie jokes as any Texan can tell you.

I've heard a million Aggie jokes, but can't remember most of them. My Dad was an Aggie, and Corp of Cadet graduate...so is my youngest son. Both were Army retirees, My Dad a Bird Col.....my son a Lt Col. My Dad was a WWII veteran, my son a Gulf War and Afghanistan veteran.

The best one of course is "What do you call an Aggie a year after graduation?" The Boss! ...and that's no joke!

I have three doctors here, all Aggies. They all love Aggie jokes.

It's funny, we did used to have a lot of Polak jokes, and I never understood why? I only knew one Polak and he was a physics professor and not only brilliant, he had the most common sense of any professor I ever had. Like Aggies, maybe high intelligence is a target for ridicule? Whatever...it makes for some great jokes!

Regards!

[Parallax]

I've heard a million Aggie jokes, but can't remember most of them.

I know I've posted this before, but it's one of my favorites:

Hang on to any of the State of Texas quarters. If you
have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all
of the Texas quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the Texas quarters that have been
issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford
said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous
reports that the new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other
coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various
states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success
among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas
quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M grad student," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together
keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."