[Unregistered User 8]

Jim goes to the doctor for his yearly check up. He has the usual blood pressure check, weight etc. Passed all with flying colors." Any aches and pains?" asks the doctor. " Nothing to speak of doc " says Jim. " Eating OK?' " Fine." " What about your regularity?" " Every morning at 6 o'clock." " That's wonderful Jim." " Not really doc. I don't wake up till 7 !! "

[Unregistered User 8]

15 residents of the Happy Valley retirement home are on the monthly chartered bus excursion. About half an hour into the trip, Martha, one of the more spritely retirees, approaches the driver with a small handful of peanuts. He accepts them with a smile and immediately starts to nibble on them as Martha smiles, turns, and makes her way back to the group. This happens twice more. On the fourth occasion, the driver cannot contain his gratitude any longer and thanks Martha very much for her kindness. " Not at all, young man " she says. " None of us like peanuts, we just like sucking the chocolate off them."

[audiobomber]

Mommy, are we vampires?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

Mommy are we werewolves?
Shut up and comb your face.

[Unregistered User 8]

What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?


About 3 pounds, including the urn.

[nikono]

Classified waste of taxpayers' money

[Tonytee]

A skeleton walks into a bar, bartender comes over and asks, "What'll ya have?" The skeleton replies, "I'll have a beer and a mop." God, I just love that joke. )

Antonio

[MarkJerling]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is one hundred bucks, and a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks."

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is a hundred bucks, and a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's one hundred dollars."

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks!"

[bxf]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

[wizofoz]

back to the theme of elephant jokes and lawyer jokes

Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees..

Why don't sharks eat Lawyers? Professional courtesy..

[ivanvernon]

QUESTION: What is the most difficult part of hiding an elephant in a refrigerator?
ANSWER: Closing the door.

QUESTION: Why is it impossible to store a giraffe in a refrigerator?
ANSWER: Because it is already full of elephant.

[normhead]

You guys are forcing me to channel my inner 10 year old.

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your refrigerator?

They leave footprints in the jello.
-----------

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge, if the fridge light is out?

Peanuts on his breath.

-----------

Mommy mommy , I don't even like uncle Harry.

Shut up and eat what's on your plate.

-----------------------

Mommy mommy, Billy gave me a quarter to stand on my head.

He just wanted to see your underwear.

Mommy mommy I fooled him, I didn't have any on.

________________
What's purple and walks through walls?

Grape Ceasar's ghost.

[MarkJerling]

What do you call an epileptic in a tree?

Russell.

What do you call a man with a spade?

Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade?

Douglas.

What do you call a man floating in the sea?

Bob.

[bigdavephoto]

Jim decided to get himself a new hunting dog for coon season. He had heard about a trainer that lived just out side of town and the rumor was this guy trained the best hunting dogs in the country.


Jim got his number and called the trainer up. The trainer told Jim to come on out because he had just finished training a dog. Jim got in his truck and went to the trainers house.


Jim arrived and the trainer met him in the drive way. They talked for a little while until Jim asked the trainer about the dog. The trainer told Jim that the dogs he trained were special, highly trained and very expensive. Jim was starting to get a little skeptical now but the trainer told Jim to come with him and they would take the dog out and prove how good the dog was.


Jim, the trainer and the dog went to the woods that was across a farm field from the trainers house. When they got to the edge of the woods, the trainer said to Jim that he would let the dog go and the dog would return and tell them how many coon were in the trees in that set of woods. Jim said ok but was now really skeptical.


About five minutes later, the dog returned, stopped in front of Jim and the trainer and barked once. The trainer looked at Jim and told him that the dog had found one coon. The trainer then told the dog to lead and Jim and the trainer followed until the dog stopped at a tree and looked up. The trainer turned his flashlight on and pointed it into the tree and there was one coon in the tree. Jim was slightly impressed.


The trainer got the dog and the three of them walked out of that set of woods and into the next. The trainer released the dog again and the same thing happened except this time the dog barked twice. They all went into the second set of woods and sure enough there were two coons. By now Jim was convinced about the dog.


The three of them returned back to the trainers house and Jim asked how much. The trainer repeated what he had said earlier about the dog being expensive and all Jim said was how much. The trainer said "ten thousand dollars." Without blinking an eye, Jim wrote out a check for that amount.


A couple of days after getting the dog, Jim decided to go out coon hunting. He got his light, his shot gun and the dog and headed for the woods. Arriving at the first set of woods, Jim sent the dog on out, and a few minutes later the dog returned, looked at Jim and barked once. Jim followed the dog, turned his light into the tree, saw the coon and shot it. Jim took the dog to the second set of wood and told it to go.


After waiting five minutes. Then after ten minutes, Jim was starting to get a little worried about the dog when the dog all of a sudden ran out of the woods, ran over to Jim, started running around in a circle barking his head off. He stopped doing that, picked up a stick off of the ground, shook it at Jim then dropping the stick, he then jumped on Jims leg. After a minute, the dog got off of Jims leg and started to repeat what he had done when he first came out of the woods. When the dog was about to jump on Jim again, Jim shot him because he thought the dog had gone crazy.


After Jim got his breath and wits again, Jim picked up the dog, put him in his truck and drove back to the trainers house. By the time Jim arrived at the trainers house, he was mad because the guy had sold him a crazy dog. Jim walked up to the door and beat on it until the trainer opened it. The trainer asked what the problem was and Jim just went off on how the trainer had sold him a dog that went crazy, had to be put down and that Jim wanted his money back.


The trainer asked Jim what had happened. Jim told the trainer about going hunting that night and about the dog running out of the woods, running in a circle, picking up and shaking a stick at him and jumping on his leg.


The trainer thought about it for a minute, looked Jim straight into the eye and told him that he was not getting his money back.


Jim asked why?


The trainer sad, "All that dog was trying to tell you was there were more blanking coon out there then you can shake a stick at."








(self censored so I don't get in trouble with the mods)

[clackers]

A gorilla walks into a pub and orders a beer.

This amazes the bartender, but he thinks, 'what the heck, I might as well pour him one.'

He walks over to give the beer to the gorilla, and the animal is holding a $20 note.

Now the bartender is flabbergasted. So he takes the $20 and walks to the cash register to get change. He stops for a second and says to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he hands the gorilla $1 change. The gorilla doesn't say anything; he just sits there sipping his beer. After a few minutes, the bartender can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla replies: "At $19 a beer, I'm not surprised."

[audiobomber]

Labs have started using lawyers instead of rats for their testing. The lab techs were getting emotionally attached to the rats.