The Joke Thread

LensBeginner · 06-24-2018, 03:18 AM - **4 Likes**

St Peter and the Devil are talking about photography, and can't reach an agreement about which between Heaven and Hell has the best photographers, so they decided to arrange a photo contest to set the argument straight once and for all.
St Peter smiles, sure to win that one, so the Devil asks him what makes him so sure. St Peter says: “in Heaven we have all the best photographers”. The Devil slowly raises his head, grins and replies: “Ah, but we have all the judges…”

Dewman · 06-24-2018, 07:04 AM - **4 Likes**

The Saxophone

A set of conjoined twins went out clubbing one night and as fate would have it, they hooked up with a guy who thought it would be “interesting” to spend the night with them. So, he invited them to go home with him and they accepted his offer.

During their escapade, while one sister was “occupied,” the other twin noticed a saxophone within reach, leaned up against the wall. She asked the guy if he’d mind if she played it until it was her “turn.”

He said, “Sure, help yourself.”

With that, she picked it up began to quite skillfully play a catchy jazz tune and her sister and the guy began keeping time with the music.

The night passed and they parted company. A few months later, the twins were out clubbing again and then noticed the same guy, sitting alone at a corner table.

One twin turned to the other and said, “Hey, there’s that guy that we went home with than night! Do you think we ought to go say hello?”

Her sister said, “I don’t know…. Do you think he’ll remember us?”

bxf · 06-27-2018, 05:13 AM - **2 Likes**

A (pick your desired ethnicity) guy was talking with his co-worker about where they should go for a beer after work. The friend suggested a place just to the north of their factory, because they were running a "Happy-Hour" deal: 2-for-1 beers from 5 PM to midnight.

Our hero agreed that 2-for-1 beers during Happy-Hour was a pretty good deal, but he wanted to try a place he'd been to over the weekend. He explained to his friend that, while beers were fairly expensive at this place, each beer purchased also came with a numbered ticket. "And... get this... Once every half-hour, they pull a number from a hat, and if they call the number of your ticket, you get laid... for free!"

The friend quickly agreed to try the new place.

Later, our hero and his dejected friend can be seen, quite drunk, sitting at a table at the new place, a large pile of tickets in front of each man.

Drunkenly, the friend suggests, "Hey, this is a rip-off! We've been here about 6 hours now, each had over 20 beers, there's only 4 other guys in the place, and we haven't won once!"

"Yeah," agreed our hero, "I just don't understand it. We were here last weekend... and my sister won 3 times!"

LensBeginner · 06-27-2018, 05:49 AM - **7 Likes**

If you saw a drowning person and had to choose between saving him and taking a picture, which lens would you use?

robtcorl · 06-27-2018, 06:27 AM - **4 Likes**

**WPRESTO** · 06-27-2018, 06:38 AM - **3 Likes**

Originally posted by LensBeginner

If you saw a drowning person and had to choose between saving him and taking a picture, which lens would you use?

Definitely one with WR. After all, what if the subject was carelessly splashing?

LensBeginner · 06-27-2018, 10:55 AM

Originally posted by WPRESTO

Definitely one with WR. After all, what if the subject was carelessly splashing?

Good thinking!

bertwert · 06-27-2018, 11:06 AM

What's the difference between army officers and police officers?
.
.
.
One commands regiments while the other commands donuts!

(Humbly stolen form @Racer X 69;)

torashi · 06-27-2018, 11:55 AM - **1 Like**

A big dump here…

Gesendet von meinem Mi A1 mit Tapatalk

ChristianRock · 06-27-2018, 02:56 PM - **3 Likes**

You might need to know Brazil to understand this one...

So Mr. Trump invited some world leaders including Mr. Macron, Ms. May and Mr. Temer (the Brazilian president) to show off the new ultra-secret super-ultrasonic airplane that the US had developed, that could make it from the US to Europe in a matter of minutes. So they all board the plane in Washington and after it speeds up for a couple of minutes, it slows down and Mr. Trump puts his hand outside the window while the plane makes a slow currve. He says, "we are now over New York" and they ask him how he knows that. "I just touched the Statue of Liberty", he says.

Then it speeds up again for a few minutes and slows down, and Mr. Trump tells Ms. May to put her hand outside the window. "Why, we are over London," she says, "and I just touched the Big Ben!". Another couple of minutes of high speed and it slows down again and it's Mr. Macron's turn to put his hand outside the window. "Wow, we are already over Paris", he says, and I just touched the Eiffel Tower!".

The plane then speeds up for a few minutes and slows down. It's Mr. Temer's turn to put his hand out the window. "Oh we are over Brazil for sure," he says, "somebody just stole my watch!".

I'm Brazilian so I can tell this joke :/

torashi · 06-27-2018, 03:03 PM - **1 Like**

Not just in Brazil Mr. Tener, not just in Brazil.

Gesendet von meinem Mi A1 mit Tapatalk

bertwert · 06-27-2018, 09:13 PM - **4 Likes**

How do you tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?
.
.
.
One of them is an elephant!

**ivanvernon** · 06-28-2018, 10:26 AM - **6 Likes**

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

---------- Post added 06-28-18 at 01:28 PM ----------

Originally posted by torashi

Not just in Brazil Mr. Tener, not just in Brazil.

Gesendet von meinem Mi A1 mit Tapatalk

Yes, works with Venezuela too.

**WPRESTO** · 06-29-2018, 01:16 PM - **4 Likes**

So many men have second thoughts after a vasectomy, deciding later in life that they reallly wanted another child, that they've stopped tying off the tubes in favor of inserting a tiny little valve to facilitate reversal. It's a miniature stop-cock.

torashi · 06-29-2018, 05:35 PM

Originally posted by WPRESTO

So many men have second thoughts after a vasectomy, deciding later in life that they reallly wanted another child, that they've stopped tying off the tubes in favor of inserting a tiny little valve to facilitate reversal. It's a miniature stop-cock.

More like a jizz valve.

06-24-2018, 07:04 AM - 4 Likes	#887
Dewman Veteran Member Join Date: May 2012 Location: Idaho Posts: 5,492	The Saxophone The Saxophone A set of conjoined twins went out clubbing one night and as fate would have it, they hooked up with a guy who thought it would be “interesting” to spend the night with them. So, he invited them to go home with him and they accepted his offer. During their escapade, while one sister was “occupied,” the other twin noticed a saxophone within reach, leaned up against the wall. She asked the guy if he’d mind if she played it until it was her “turn.” He said, “Sure, help yourself.” With that, she picked it up began to quite skillfully play a catchy jazz tune and her sister and the guy began keeping time with the music. The night passed and they parted company. A few months later, the twins were out clubbing again and then noticed the same guy, sitting alone at a corner table. One twin turned to the other and said, “Hey, there’s that guy that we went home with than night! Do you think we ought to go say hello?” Her sister said, “I don’t know…. Do you think he’ll remember us?” Last edited by Dewman; 06-24-2018 at 02:36 PM.

06-27-2018, 11:55 AM - 1 Like	#894
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322	A big dump here… Gesendet von meinem Mi A1 mit Tapatalk Last edited by MarkJerling; 06-27-2018 at 03:07 PM.

06-28-2018, 10:26 AM - 6 Likes	#898
ivanvernon Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Medina, OH Photos: Albums Posts: 7,224	Joke about golf injury. A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!" ---------- Post added 06-28-18 at 01:28 PM ---------- Originally posted by torashi Not just in Brazil Mr. Tener, not just in Brazil. Gesendet von meinem Mi A1 mit Tapatalk Yes, works with Venezuela too.

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06-24-2018, 03:18 AM - 4 Likes	#886
LensBeginner Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Photos: Albums Posts: 4,696	St Peter and the Devil are talking about photography, and can't reach an agreement about which between Heaven and Hell has the best photographers, so they decided to arrange a photo contest to set the argument straight once and for all. St Peter smiles, sure to win that one, so the Devil asks him what makes him so sure. St Peter says: “in Heaven we have all the best photographers”. The Devil slowly raises his head, grins and replies: “Ah, but we have all the judges…”

06-27-2018, 05:13 AM - 2 Likes	#888
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	A (pick your desired ethnicity) guy was talking with his co-worker about where they should go for a beer after work. The friend suggested a place just to the north of their factory, because they were running a "Happy-Hour" deal: 2-for-1 beers from 5 PM to midnight. Our hero agreed that 2-for-1 beers during Happy-Hour was a pretty good deal, but he wanted to try a place he'd been to over the weekend. He explained to his friend that, while beers were fairly expensive at this place, each beer purchased also came with a numbered ticket. "And... get this... Once every half-hour, they pull a number from a hat, and if they call the number of your ticket, you get laid... for free!" The friend quickly agreed to try the new place. Later, our hero and his dejected friend can be seen, quite drunk, sitting at a table at the new place, a large pile of tickets in front of each man. Drunkenly, the friend suggests, "Hey, this is a rip-off! We've been here about 6 hours now, each had over 20 beers, there's only 4 other guys in the place, and we haven't won once!" "Yeah," agreed our hero, "I just don't understand it. We were here last weekend... and my sister won 3 times!"

06-27-2018, 05:49 AM - 7 Likes	#889
LensBeginner Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Photos: Albums Posts: 4,696	If you saw a drowning person and had to choose between saving him and taking a picture, which lens would you use?

06-27-2018, 06:27 AM - 4 Likes	#890
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606

06-27-2018, 06:38 AM - 3 Likes	#891
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,138	Originally posted by LensBeginner If you saw a drowning person and had to choose between saving him and taking a picture, which lens would you use? Definitely one with WR. After all, what if the subject was carelessly splashing?

06-27-2018, 10:55 AM	#892
LensBeginner Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Photos: Albums Posts: 4,696	Originally posted by WPRESTO Definitely one with WR. After all, what if the subject was carelessly splashing? Good thinking!

06-27-2018, 11:06 AM	#893
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,172 Original Poster	What's the difference between army officers and police officers? . . . One commands regiments while the other commands donuts! (Humbly stolen form @Racer X 69;)

06-27-2018, 02:56 PM - 3 Likes	#895
ChristianRock Pentaxian Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: People's Republic of America Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 9,912	You might need to know Brazil to understand this one... So Mr. Trump invited some world leaders including Mr. Macron, Ms. May and Mr. Temer (the Brazilian president) to show off the new ultra-secret super-ultrasonic airplane that the US had developed, that could make it from the US to Europe in a matter of minutes. So they all board the plane in Washington and after it speeds up for a couple of minutes, it slows down and Mr. Trump puts his hand outside the window while the plane makes a slow currve. He says, "we are now over New York" and they ask him how he knows that. "I just touched the Statue of Liberty", he says. Then it speeds up again for a few minutes and slows down, and Mr. Trump tells Ms. May to put her hand outside the window. "Why, we are over London," she says, "and I just touched the Big Ben!". Another couple of minutes of high speed and it slows down again and it's Mr. Macron's turn to put his hand outside the window. "Wow, we are already over Paris", he says, and I just touched the Eiffel Tower!". The plane then speeds up for a few minutes and slows down. It's Mr. Temer's turn to put his hand out the window. "Oh we are over Brazil for sure," he says, "somebody just stole my watch!". I'm Brazilian so I can tell this joke :/

06-27-2018, 03:03 PM - 1 Like	#896
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322	Not just in Brazil Mr. Tener, not just in Brazil. Gesendet von meinem Mi A1 mit Tapatalk

06-27-2018, 09:13 PM - 4 Likes	#897
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,172 Original Poster	How do you tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? . . . One of them is an elephant!

06-29-2018, 01:16 PM - 4 Likes	#899
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,138	So many men have second thoughts after a vasectomy, deciding later in life that they reallly wanted another child, that they've stopped tying off the tubes in favor of inserting a tiny little valve to facilitate reversal. It's a miniature stop-cock.

06-29-2018, 05:35 PM	#900
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322	Originally posted by WPRESTO So many men have second thoughts after a vasectomy, deciding later in life that they reallly wanted another child, that they've stopped tying off the tubes in favor of inserting a tiny little valve to facilitate reversal. It's a miniature stop-cock. More like a jizz valve.