The Joke Thread

bxf · 08-03-2018, 10:28 AM - **11 Likes**

My wife just stopped and said "you weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought to myself "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation..."

jeallen01 · 08-03-2018, 11:18 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by bxf

My wife just stopped and said "you weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought to myself "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation..."

"Been there, done that"

robtcorl · 08-03-2018, 04:00 PM - **3 Likes**

A few things to ponder:

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

robtcorl · 08-03-2018, 04:01 PM - **1 Like**

More, stolen from the interweb:

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

robtcorl · 08-03-2018, 04:01 PM - **5 Likes**

Still more:

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Why do you park in a driveway - but drive on a parkway.

"Flammable" and "Inflammable" mean the same thing - not the opposite.

The U.S. Department of the Interior regulates everything "outdoors"?

Why do the drive up ATM machines have braille?

**WPRESTO** · 08-03-2018, 04:07 PM - **1 Like**

A post I thought I put here seems to be missing. I'll try again, but apologize if this post appears somewhere else.

Man to his wife: "Of course I love you, If I did not love you, I couldn't stand you."

Wife to police during interrogation: "...and I buried his head in the sports section. He would have liked that."

**Tonytee** · 08-03-2018, 06:07 PM - **6 Likes**

A photographer went to a socialite party in New York City. As he entered the front door, the host said, " I love your pictures-they are wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera." He said nothing until dinner was finished, then: "That was a wonderful dinner, you must have a terrific stove."

-Sam Haskins-

tt

lesmore49 · 08-03-2018, 08:50 PM

Originally posted by Tonytee

A photographer went to a socialite party in New York City. As he entered the front door, the host said, " I love your pictures-they are wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera." He said nothing until dinner was finished, then: "That was a wonderful dinner, you must have a terrific stove."

-Sam Haskins-

tt

Good one and also how often have we as photographers heard that line..." I love your pictures-they are wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera. "

Unregistered User 8 · 08-04-2018, 04:14 AM - **6 Likes**

Three things that always tell the truth -

1. Young Children

2. Drunks

3. Leggings

victormeldrew · 08-04-2018, 05:40 AM - **5 Likes**

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

Liney · 08-04-2018, 07:28 PM - **5 Likes**

A native american and his wife were walking down the street and they passed a Japanese couple. The Japanese tourists stopped and greeted the native americans and introduced themselves.

The Japanese man gave his name and introduced his wife as "Lotus blossom" The native american man said "That is a beautiful name, much more emotive than the names we use".
The Japanese man looked surprised, "I always thought the native americans had very evocative and descriptive names, what about your wife?"

The native american replied "My wifes tribal name is four horses".
"There you go", said the Japanese man, "Four horses conjures up and image of four beautiful horses running free over the prairies".
The native american man gave a sickly smile "it's more like nag, nag, nag, nag...."

Unregistered User 8 · 08-04-2018, 07:50 PM

Originally posted by Liney

The native american man gave a sickly smile "it's more like nag, nag, nag, nag...."

.....................................................................

**macronaut** · 08-04-2018, 09:55 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by Ian Stuart Forsyth

The world’s best bear trap

In the frozen arctic they do it differently. You dig a hole out on the pack ice and hide nearby. When a polar bear comes along to check for seals you sneak up behind and kick him in the ice hole.

bigdavephoto · 08-15-2018, 08:18 PM - **5 Likes**

A 71-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous 19-year-old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:

“ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition.”

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly:
“Paint my house.”

torashi · 08-17-2018, 07:04 AM - **1 Like**

Two new models are waiting as the photographer gets his equipment ready.
One model says to the other, “What is he doing now?”
“He’s getting ready to focus”, she replies.
To which the first model exclaims, “FOCUS, but he hasn’t even paid us yet!”.

08-03-2018, 06:07 PM - 6 Likes	#952
Tonytee Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 21,461	A photographer.... A photographer went to a socialite party in New York City. As he entered the front door, the host said, " I love your pictures-they are wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera." He said nothing until dinner was finished, then: "That was a wonderful dinner, you must have a terrific stove." -Sam Haskins- tt

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08-03-2018, 10:28 AM - 11 Likes	#946
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	My wife just stopped and said "you weren't even listening, were you?" I thought to myself "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation..."

08-03-2018, 11:18 AM - 1 Like	#947
jeallen01 Pentaxian Join Date: May 2008 Location: London, UK Posts: 1,697	Originally posted by bxf My wife just stopped and said "you weren't even listening, were you?" I thought to myself "that's a pretty weird way to start a conversation..." "Been there, done that"

08-03-2018, 04:00 PM - 3 Likes	#948
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	A few things to ponder: Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

08-03-2018, 04:01 PM - 1 Like	#949
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	More, stolen from the interweb: Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

08-03-2018, 04:01 PM - 5 Likes	#950
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	Still more: Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? Why do you park in a driveway - but drive on a parkway. "Flammable" and "Inflammable" mean the same thing - not the opposite. The U.S. Department of the Interior regulates everything "outdoors"? Why do the drive up ATM machines have braille?

08-03-2018, 04:07 PM - 1 Like	#951
WPRESTO Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Massachusetts Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 59,107	A post I thought I put here seems to be missing. I'll try again, but apologize if this post appears somewhere else. Man to his wife: "Of course I love you, If I did not love you, I couldn't stand you." Wife to police during interrogation: "...and I buried his head in the sports section. He would have liked that."

08-03-2018, 08:50 PM	#953
lesmore49 Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Western Canada Posts: 12,343	Originally posted by Tonytee A photographer went to a socialite party in New York City. As he entered the front door, the host said, " I love your pictures-they are wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera." He said nothing until dinner was finished, then: "That was a wonderful dinner, you must have a terrific stove." -Sam Haskins- tt Good one and also how often have we as photographers heard that line..." I love your pictures-they are wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera. "

08-04-2018, 04:14 AM - 6 Likes	#954
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	Three things that always tell the truth - 1. Young Children 2. Drunks 3. Leggings

08-04-2018, 05:40 AM - 5 Likes	#955
victormeldrew Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: South West UK Photos: Albums Posts: 1,493	What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

08-04-2018, 07:28 PM - 5 Likes	#956
Liney Veteran Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 1,237	A native american and his wife were walking down the street and they passed a Japanese couple. The Japanese tourists stopped and greeted the native americans and introduced themselves. The Japanese man gave his name and introduced his wife as "Lotus blossom" The native american man said "That is a beautiful name, much more emotive than the names we use". The Japanese man looked surprised, "I always thought the native americans had very evocative and descriptive names, what about your wife?" The native american replied "My wifes tribal name is four horses". "There you go", said the Japanese man, "Four horses conjures up and image of four beautiful horses running free over the prairies". The native american man gave a sickly smile "it's more like nag, nag, nag, nag...."

08-04-2018, 07:50 PM	#957
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	Originally posted by Liney The native american man gave a sickly smile "it's more like nag, nag, nag, nag...." .....................................................................

08-04-2018, 09:55 PM - 1 Like	#958
macronaut Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Feb 2013 Photos: Albums Posts: 281	Originally posted by Ian Stuart Forsyth The world’s best bear trap In the frozen arctic they do it differently. You dig a hole out on the pack ice and hide nearby. When a polar bear comes along to check for seals you sneak up behind and kick him in the ice hole.

08-15-2018, 08:18 PM - 5 Likes	#959
bigdavephoto Pentaxian Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: East central Indiana Photos: Gallery Posts: 893	A 71-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous 19-year-old girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition.” Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.”

08-17-2018, 07:04 AM - 1 Like	#960
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322	Two new models are waiting as the photographer gets his equipment ready. One model says to the other, “What is he doing now?” “He’s getting ready to focus”, she replies. To which the first model exclaims, “FOCUS, but he hasn’t even paid us yet!”.