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08-17-2018, 07:13 AM - 4 Likes   #961
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire, ” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”

“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!”

The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”



08-17-2018, 07:18 AM   #962
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I THINK MY PET CROCODILE IS AN AMATEUR PHOTOGRAPHER. HE'S A BIT OF A SNAPPER!

08-17-2018, 07:19 AM   #963
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Sometimes it's tough to be a photographer. You have to deal with a lot of crop!

08-17-2018, 07:21 AM   #964
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Stop being so dramatic, [insert wife's name here]! You think you're the only one who has hot flashes?



08-17-2018, 07:23 AM - 2 Likes   #965
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QuoteOriginally posted by Tonytee Quote
A photographer went to a socialite party in New York City. As he entered the front door, the host said, " I love your pictures-they are wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera." He said nothing until dinner was finished, then: "That was a wonderful dinner, you must have a terrific stove."

-Sam Haskins-

tt
If you ever get that line thrown your way, answer with: thanks, I taught it everything it knows!

08-17-2018, 07:26 AM - 2 Likes   #966
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My girl said, if I took one more picture of me, she'd leave me. That's when I snapped!

08-17-2018, 07:33 AM   #967
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The only person happy with a 100% crop is a farmer.

08-17-2018, 07:42 AM - 2 Likes   #968
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The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.

"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.

"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.

"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.

"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my gear on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."

"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"



08-17-2018, 07:47 AM   #969
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A boxer can uglify you with one hand. A photographer OTOH can uglify you with only one fingertip.

08-17-2018, 07:55 AM - 2 Likes   #970
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Two photographers are talking in a bar. One notices the other's camera and says: "That's a nice one, where did you get that?"*
"A lady photographer and I went out for a walk in the woods last week. We were hoping to get some nice photos that morning. After an hour of walking she stops and takes off all her clothes, looks me in the eye and says: Take whatever you want!"
"Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

08-17-2018, 08:02 AM - 1 Like   #971
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Q: What's the difference between a camera and a sock?

A: A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes...

08-17-2018, 04:25 PM - 3 Likes   #972
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Just an observation this evening... Went to the store, and picked up some Band-Aids. When I got home I noticed on the package that it contained "Sterile Band-Aids".

Was there an option to by dirty Band-Aids, and I lucked out.... ?
08-17-2018, 04:37 PM   #973
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QuoteOriginally posted by Riggomatic Quote
Just an observation this evening... Went to the store, and picked up some Band-Aids. When I got home I noticed on the package that it contained "Sterile Band-Aids".

Was there an option to by dirty Band-Aids, and I lucked out.... ?
This will kill the joke, but not everything comes sterile, which just means it hasn't been sterilized, but from the way it gets manufactured it's clean. It's ok for external use. Just not for "open wound, internal organ". Medical equipment usually doesn't come like that and has to be sterilized before surgery, for example.

08-17-2018, 09:15 PM - 6 Likes   #974
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I was in a pharmacy recently and noticed a sign that said "This is a drug-free workplace."
08-17-2018, 11:22 PM - 1 Like   #975
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QuoteOriginally posted by gifthorse Quote
I was in a pharmacy recently and noticed a sign that said "This is a drug-free workplace."
Must be one of those pseudo-pharmacies based solely on moronic superstitions which sell useless ground tiger bone or rhino horn and the like as magic cures for random ailements.
Perhaps the owner has a sense of humour. Or maybe it's true and they just sell placebos.
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