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08-31-2018, 11:24 AM - 15 Likes   #1096
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An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." .
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500.

08-31-2018, 11:43 AM - 2 Likes   #1097
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I have invented spinal tap sodoku, it goes up to eleven
08-31-2018, 12:11 PM   #1098
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QuoteOriginally posted by bertwert Quote
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." .
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500.


Badumbump.
08-31-2018, 12:13 PM - 1 Like   #1099
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QuoteOriginally posted by jack002 Quote
I have invented spinal tap sodoku, it goes up to eleven
*bud**dum*

09-01-2018, 04:38 AM - 4 Likes   #1100
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Did you hear about the Shetland pony who had a sore throat? Made it a little hoarse.
09-01-2018, 11:26 PM - 3 Likes   #1101
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A priest, a rabbi, a horse and a duck walk into the bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?!?"
09-02-2018, 07:44 AM - 2 Likes   #1102
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What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill.

"Here come the elephants over the hill."

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill, wearing sunglasses.

Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

---------- Post added 09-02-18 at 07:45 ----------

How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Paint their toenails red.

How did Farmer Brown get hurt?

Picking cherries.
09-02-2018, 02:40 PM   #1103
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"No joke"
Old joke!

09-02-2018, 05:36 PM - 9 Likes   #1104
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A man woke up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor came in and said: "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably don't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but your mahood was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."

The man groaned, but the doctor continued: "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new one. They work great, but don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perked up.

"So," the doctor told him, "you must decide how many inches you want. This is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine now she might be put out. If you had a nine incher before and decide to only invest in a five, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agreed to talk it over. The doctor returned the next day. "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have." the man informed him. "We're getting granite counter tops."
09-03-2018, 12:28 PM - 9 Likes   #1105
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A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from an engine when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.
“Try doing it with the engine running.”
09-04-2018, 10:13 AM - 1 Like   #1106
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What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?







It's pasture bedtime…

09-04-2018, 10:14 AM   #1107
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What did baby corn say to mom corn?

Where's popcorn?

09-04-2018, 10:15 AM - 4 Likes   #1108
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What do you call a stuck-up criminal going down some stairs?

A condescending con descending.

09-04-2018, 10:16 AM - 1 Like   #1109
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What font is alphabet soup in?

Times new ramen.

09-04-2018, 10:17 AM   #1110
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What rock group has four members who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

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