The Joke Thread

torashi · 09-04-2018, 10:18 AM - **2 Likes**

What was Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAAND EYEEEEEEE!

torashi · 09-04-2018, 10:20 AM - **1 Like**

What does a painter do when he gets cold?

He puts on another coat.

torashi · 09-04-2018, 10:26 AM - **8 Likes**

And now for all the fellow engineers out there:
I poured my root beer into a square glass.

Now it's just beer.

Ba dum ts.

**c.a.m** · 09-04-2018, 12:05 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by torashi

Now it's just beer.

GROAN. (I'm an engineer)

jack002 · 09-04-2018, 01:38 PM

Originally posted by torashi

And now for all the fellow engineers out there:
I poured my root beer into a square glass.

Now it's just beer.

Ba dum ts.

This is how I get my kicks:
SQRT(66)

MarkJerling · 09-06-2018, 02:48 PM - **9 Likes**

A young recruit in the German Coast Guard is shown the ropes in the emergency centre by his supervisor and then left on his own while his supervisor takes a break. The radio crackles and an English voice comes over saying "Hello, mayday, mayday, we are sinking. Are you there? We are sinking."

The young recruit remembers what to do and clicks the button on the microphone. Being short on conversational English, he responds to the call for help saying "Hello, hello, zis is ze German Coast Guard. Vat are you sinking about?"

**ThomSirveaux** · 09-07-2018, 10:10 AM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by MarkJerling

A young recruit in the German Coast Guard is shown the ropes in the emergency centre by his supervisor and then left on his own while his supervisor takes a break. The radio crackles and an English voice comes over saying "Hello, mayday, mayday, we are sinking. Are you there? We are sinking."

The young recruit remembers what to do and clicks the button on the microphone. Being short on conversational English, he responds to the call for help saying "Hello, hello, zis is ze German Coast Guard. Vat are you sinking about?"

You Tube

**Tonytee** · 09-08-2018, 05:06 PM - **5 Likes**

Here is one I know will make any true American laugh. Enjoy, Tony

This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long bladed knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that if he didn't get help he would surely drown!

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.

It's now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.

I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.

**blumoon722** · 09-08-2018, 06:42 PM - **6 Likes**

MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner".

Unregistered User 8 · 09-08-2018, 10:35 PM - **5 Likes**

A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, " Hey bartender, is this stool taken? "

robtcorl · 09-11-2018, 08:08 AM - **5 Likes**

I got tired of stray dogs dumping in our backyard, so I had a high voltage fence installed.
My neighbor is dead against it.

MarkJerling · 09-20-2018, 05:15 PM - **2 Likes**

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly coloured frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown trousers!"

MarkJerling · 09-20-2018, 05:16 PM - **1 Like**

The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?”
The guy answered: “A scotch, please.”
The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.”

The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender: “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”

The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy: “Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”

The next day, the same guy walked into the bar. The bartender said: “What the hell are you doing in here? I thought I told you to steer clear of this joint. I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to come back.”

The guy said innocently: “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life.”

Fearing that he had made a mistake, the bartender backed down. “I’m very sorry,” he said, “but the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.”

The guy replied: “Thanks. Make it a scotch.”

normhead · 09-20-2018, 06:18 PM - **1 Like**

The Germans capture a Britisdh officer during WWII. They are interrogating but all he says is "Tick, tick tick."
The German interrogator finally loses it and says "we have ways of making you tock.

serothis · 09-21-2018, 12:02 PM

Originally posted by jack002

This is how I get my kicks:
SQRT(66)

If you poured that beer into a wooden cup would it become a "log"er?

---------

If Thailand ever got into a war we would have to call them the Empire because all their pilots would be thai fighters

09-08-2018, 05:06 PM - 5 Likes	#1118
Tonytee Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 21,461	The Terrorist. Here is one I know will make any true American laugh. Enjoy, Tony This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long bladed knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that if he didn't get help he would surely drown! Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department. It's now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.

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09-04-2018, 10:18 AM - 2 Likes	#1111
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322	What was Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAAAAAND EYEEEEEEE!

09-04-2018, 10:20 AM - 1 Like	#1112
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322	What does a painter do when he gets cold? He puts on another coat.

09-04-2018, 10:26 AM - 8 Likes	#1113
torashi Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2017 Location: Medellín Posts: 1,322	And now for all the fellow engineers out there: I poured my root beer into a square glass. Now it's just beer. Ba dum ts.

09-04-2018, 12:05 PM - 1 Like	#1114
c.a.m Site Supporter Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Ottawa, Canada Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 4,189	Originally posted by torashi Now it's just beer. GROAN. (I'm an engineer)

09-04-2018, 01:38 PM	#1115
jack002 Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Location: Missouri Photos: Albums Posts: 727	Originally posted by torashi And now for all the fellow engineers out there: I poured my root beer into a square glass. Now it's just beer. Ba dum ts. This is how I get my kicks: SQRT(66)

09-06-2018, 02:48 PM - 9 Likes	#1116
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	A young recruit in the German Coast Guard is shown the ropes in the emergency centre by his supervisor and then left on his own while his supervisor takes a break. The radio crackles and an English voice comes over saying "Hello, mayday, mayday, we are sinking. Are you there? We are sinking." The young recruit remembers what to do and clicks the button on the microphone. Being short on conversational English, he responds to the call for help saying "Hello, hello, zis is ze German Coast Guard. Vat are you sinking about?"

09-08-2018, 06:42 PM - 6 Likes	#1119
blumoon722 Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2015 Posts: 424	MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner".

09-08-2018, 10:35 PM - 5 Likes	#1120
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, " Hey bartender, is this stool taken? "

09-11-2018, 08:08 AM - 5 Likes	#1121
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	I got tired of stray dogs dumping in our backyard, so I had a high voltage fence installed. My neighbor is dead against it.

09-20-2018, 05:15 PM - 2 Likes	#1122
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly coloured frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown trousers!"

09-20-2018, 05:16 PM - 1 Like	#1123
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,406	The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?” The guy answered: “A scotch, please.” The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.” The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.” A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender: “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy: “Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, the same guy walked into the bar. The bartender said: “What the hell are you doing in here? I thought I told you to steer clear of this joint. I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to come back.” The guy said innocently: “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life.” Fearing that he had made a mistake, the bartender backed down. “I’m very sorry,” he said, “but the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.” The guy replied: “Thanks. Make it a scotch.”

09-20-2018, 06:18 PM - 1 Like	#1124
normhead Pentaxian Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Near Algonquin Park Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 40,451	The Germans capture a Britisdh officer during WWII. They are interrogating but all he says is "Tick, tick tick." The German interrogator finally loses it and says "we have ways of making you tock.

09-21-2018, 12:02 PM	#1125
serothis Veteran Member Join Date: May 2016 Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 538	Originally posted by jack002 This is how I get my kicks: SQRT(66) If you poured that beer into a wooden cup would it become a "log"er? --------- If Thailand ever got into a war we would have to call them the Empire because all their pilots would be thai fighters