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09-26-2018, 02:31 AM   #1141
bxf
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QuoteOriginally posted by timb64 Quote
A man approaches an old lady on a park bench with a dog sitting at her feet. "Is your dog friendly?" He enquires
"Oh,yes" Replies the old dear.
The man goes to pet the dog and nearly gets his hand bitten off.
"I thought you said your dog was friendly" he muttered
"That's not my dog" replied the lady.

And while we're there...



09-26-2018, 12:46 PM   #1142
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Seamus caught a Leprechaun in the woods along a field in County Cork one evening. The Leprechaun promised Seamus two wishes to let him go. Seamus thought a bit and stated that he wanted a pint of Guinness– the perfect pint - fresh from the tap, just the right temperature and would refill to the rim as he drank and would never run out. POOF – a pint appeared and Seamus tasted it. Perfect. He sipped, he drank, he quaffed and the pint refilled every time. He kept drinking as the Leprechaun asked him what his second wish was to be. The Leprechaun grew more impatient as Seamus drank and thought. Finally, Seamus decided what he wanted for his second wish. “I think I’ll have another.”

Last edited by Jim Dandy; 09-26-2018 at 03:05 PM. Reason: format
09-27-2018, 02:59 PM - 6 Likes   #1143
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A good mate of mine (Collingwood Supporter) has 2 fully paid tickets for the AFL Grand Final in a private box with all food and refreshments included.

Unfortunately, he didn't realise when he bought the tickets that Collingwood would make the Grand Final, and it is on the same day as his wedding!

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it is at 2pm at St Paul’s Catholic Church, Melbourne and her name is Emily.
09-27-2018, 03:29 PM   #1144
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QuoteOriginally posted by MarkJerling Quote
If you're interested and want to go instead of him
Haha.

QuoteOriginally posted by MarkJerling Quote
it is at 2pm at St Paulís Catholic Church
I don't understand the problem... there are at least three obvious solutions in addition to your well-intentioned option:

- Finish the wedding ceremony at 12:00 noon and make a dash for the MCG, Emily in tow. They'll be well-dressed for the match.
- Emily might be happy to hold the wedding ceremony in the private box, maybe at half-time?
- Postpone the wedding? On second thought, that might not be well received. Go with one of the other ideas.

Hehe. Just kidding, of course.

- Craig

09-28-2018, 06:33 AM - 1 Like   #1145
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This morning's W T Duck.
09-30-2018, 09:58 PM - 2 Likes   #1146
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QuoteOriginally posted by MarkJerling Quote
A good mate of mine (Collingwood Supporter) has 2 fully paid tickets for the AFL Grand Final in a private box with all food and refreshments included.

Unfortunately, he didn't realise when he bought the tickets that Collingwood would make the Grand Final, and it is on the same day as his wedding!

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it is at 2pm at St Paul’s Catholic Church, Melbourne and her name is Emily.
My best ever laugh on PF.
Personally I barrack for ABC "Anyone But Collingwood"


btw
Was the bride to be dressed in typical Collingwood bridal gear: white track pants and white moccasins?
10-01-2018, 12:52 AM   #1147
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QuoteOriginally posted by rod_grant Quote
My best ever laugh on PF.
Personally I barrack for ABC "Anyone But Collingwood"


btw
Was the bride to be dressed in typical Collingwood bridal gear: white track pants and white moccasins?
Most likely mate!
10-02-2018, 06:21 AM - 4 Likes   #1148
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If you're afraid of gaining weight, drink a glass of cognac before each meal.
Alcohol, as we all know, helps alleviating fear.

10-04-2018, 05:57 AM - 6 Likes   #1149
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Two women meet in the afterlife. Following is the conversation they had.

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: You should have looked in the freezer... we'd both still be alive.

---------- Post added 04-10-18 at 13:58 ----------

Top Tips

1. To get sincere personal advice and the correct time, try calling a random telephone number in the early hours of the morning.


2. My grand dad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers", he told me.
10-05-2018, 08:39 PM - 3 Likes   #1150
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A friend of mine owns a bonsai shop that is doing really well financially.

In fact, it is so successful, he is thinking of moving to smaller premises.
10-12-2018, 04:13 AM - 2 Likes   #1151
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---------- Post added 12-10-18 at 12:41 ----------

Two elderly couples chatting.

One of the men says: "We went to a great restaurant last night". "What's it called?" asked his pal.

He racks his brain, then he says: "What's that red flower you give to someone you love?" "A rose," his mate says.

"Rose," calls the man, "what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
10-12-2018, 05:14 AM - 1 Like   #1152
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I was going through some country's immigration recently. The stern Official asked, "do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion?" I thought for a second, then replied, "violence, I think."
10-12-2018, 05:45 AM   #1153
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QuoteOriginally posted by bxf Quote
I was going through some country's immigration recently. The stern Official asked, "do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion?" I thought for a second, then replied, "violence, I think."
Ah, a "passport to Heaven" (behind bars)!
10-13-2018, 06:38 AM - 6 Likes   #1154
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10-13-2018, 09:40 AM - 8 Likes   #1155
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If you look very closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
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