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11-05-2018, 03:33 PM   #1171
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QuoteOriginally posted by bxf Quote
Politics, or other stuff. Not much time left...
Wow, that guy looks like the vice principal of my high school, back in 1989.

11-06-2018, 04:48 PM - 7 Likes   #1172
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The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."

"Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?"

"None of 'em survived the branding."
11-08-2018, 01:32 PM - 9 Likes   #1173
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin"?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he"s been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He"s on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he"d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She"s in the Ladies" Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave"s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
11-08-2018, 03:40 PM - 6 Likes   #1174
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I'm pretty sure I posted this one before, but, if not, here goes....


A son moved away to go to college, taking leave of his family and the family dog, Blue. A few months later, his father got a call from his son.

"Dad," he said, "there's an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!"
That's amazing!' his dad said. 'How do I get Blue into that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the son said. 'I'll get him into the course.'
So his father sent the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the boy called home again.
'So, how's Blue doing, son?' his father enquired.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the dogs how to read.'

'Read?' exclaimed his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him into the class.'
The money promptly arrived.

But our hero noticed an impending problem. At the end of the year, his father would find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.
Then, finally, he came up with a plan. First, he gave the dog to a nice family. Then he went home at the end of the year to see his excited father.
'Where's Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!

''Dad,' the boy said. 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue kicked back in the recliner to read the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groaned and whispered, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talked to your mother!''

I sure did, dad! ''That's my boy!'

11-08-2018, 05:24 PM   #1175
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QuoteOriginally posted by MarkJerling Quote
I'm pretty sure I posted this one before, but, if not, here goes....


A son moved away to go to college, taking leave of his family and the family dog, Blue. A few months later, his father got a call from his son.

"Dad," he said, "there's an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!"
That's amazing!' his dad said. 'How do I get Blue into that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the son said. 'I'll get him into the course.'
So his father sent the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the boy called home again.
'So, how's Blue doing, son?' his father enquired.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the dogs how to read.'

'Read?' exclaimed his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him into the class.'
The money promptly arrived.

But our hero noticed an impending problem. At the end of the year, his father would find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.
Then, finally, he came up with a plan. First, he gave the dog to a nice family. Then he went home at the end of the year to see his excited father.
'Where's Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!

''Dad,' the boy said. 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue kicked back in the recliner to read the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groaned and whispered, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talked to your mother!''

I sure did, dad! ''That's my boy!'
What did you do for money the next years? Your Dad just give you money to keep quiet?

RONC
11-09-2018, 07:40 AM - 7 Likes   #1176
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A guy at a bar finds out that the fellow sitting next to him is a lumberjack and asks: "How many trees do you figure you've cut down?"
"Exactly 1,372." replies the lumberjack.
"How do you know the exact number?" the guy asks.
The lumberjack says: "I keep a log."
11-09-2018, 07:53 AM   #1177
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QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
A guy at a bar finds out that the fellow sitting next to him is a lumberjack and asks: "How many trees do you figure you've cut down?"
"Exactly 1,372." replies the lumberjack.
"How do you know the exact number?" the guy asks.
The lumberjack says: "I keep a log."
Grooooaaaan!
11-09-2018, 01:17 PM - 1 Like   #1178
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Also Not a joke in the strictest sense but an observation that got a laugh out of me:

I was driving down a street in Toronto next a very cute looking red head at the wheel of a Red VW beetle.

She had two bumper stickers.
One said "Honk if you're horny.'
The other said, "You won't be the first but you might be the next."

11-09-2018, 01:59 PM   #1179
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QuoteOriginally posted by normhead Quote
Also Not a joke in the strictest sense but an observation that got a laugh out of me:

I was driving down a street in Toronto next a very cute looking red head at the wheel of a Red VW beetle.

She had two bumper stickers.
One said "Honk if you're horny.'
The other said, "You won't be the first but you might be the next."
So, did you honk and smile?

11-09-2018, 04:16 PM - 1 Like   #1180
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QuoteOriginally posted by torashi Quote
So, did you honk and smile?
She didn't look like my type.
11-09-2018, 04:45 PM - 1 Like   #1181
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QuoteOriginally posted by normhead Quote
She didn't look like my type.
Hahaha! Yeah, right! Tell that to yourself after writing "CUTE looking redhead".
Missed opportunity right there!

11-10-2018, 11:33 AM - 2 Likes   #1182
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QuoteOriginally posted by torashi Quote
Hahaha! Yeah, right! Tell that to yourself after writing "CUTE looking redhead".
Missed opportunity right there!
It means that his wife was with him! And she could severely injure him for honking. Not that she would, but she could.
11-10-2018, 02:39 PM   #1183
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QuoteOriginally posted by SSGGeezer Quote
It means that his wife was with him! And she could severely injure him for honking. Not that she would, but she could.
I drive a '67 love bug (yes, it's like dark cherry red), so I wouldn't know about wives.
It's been with me for 15 years, and I wonder how many siblings have started a fight at the sight of my ride.

11-10-2018, 05:18 PM - 1 Like   #1184
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I was single at the time. But ask Kerrowdown about those redheads. The first thing you have to assess is how bad does that temper get. She looked like she could really get into it. But maybe that was just part of her charm, I don't know. It's hard to know the right move with these split second decisions.
11-12-2018, 08:31 AM   #1185
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QuoteOriginally posted by torashi Quote
I drive a '67 love bug (yes, it's like dark cherry red), so I wouldn't know about wives.
I didn't know these were necessarily mutually exclusive
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