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01-04-2019, 08:01 PM - 4 Likes   #1261
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Alf and Joyce go to the doctor for their annual physical. After testing the husband with the stethoscope, the physician turns to him.

'Well, Alf, you seem fine but I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.'

Hard of hearing, Alf turns to look at his wife. 'What did he say?' he yells.

Joyce bellows back: 'He said he needs your underpants.'"

01-06-2019, 10:08 AM   #1262
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QuoteOriginally posted by clackers Quote
Alf and Joyce go to the doctor
Best one so far this year, and it could be awhile before it's topped.
01-06-2019, 04:08 PM   #1263
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Took my pet lion for a walk on the beach on Christmas Day.

Then had to take him to the vet.

Poor beast had Sandy Claws.
01-06-2019, 05:43 PM - 1 Like   #1264
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QuoteOriginally posted by clackers Quote
This is one from UK comic Jo Brand: "My bloody neighbour banged on my front door at two-thirty in the morning. Thank God I was still up, playing the drums."
I never understood these door banging neighbors. I play the drums, too.



01-06-2019, 05:52 PM - 3 Likes   #1265
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QuoteOriginally posted by torashi Quote
I never understood these door banging neighbors. I play the drums, too.
The worst are the ones who bang on your door and ask: "Do you know what time it is?"

Why don't they go out and buy their own clock?
01-06-2019, 06:17 PM - 3 Likes   #1266
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QuoteOriginally posted by MarkJerling Quote
The worst are the ones who bang on your door and ask: "Do you know what time it is?"



Why don't they go out and buy their own clock?
Or the ones that ask for a minute to talk about the lard. I'm a vegan for dog's sake!

01-06-2019, 10:25 PM - 9 Likes   #1267
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Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those who fly.


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe Sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots
P= problem reported S = solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
01-06-2019, 10:57 PM   #1268
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QuoteOriginally posted by rod_grant Quote
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those who fly.


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe Sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots
P= problem reported S = solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal accident.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Very good.

01-07-2019, 10:20 PM - 5 Likes   #1269
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
01-08-2019, 05:55 AM - 5 Likes   #1270
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I went to a zoo the other day, but the only thing there was one small dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.
01-08-2019, 10:03 AM - 1 Like   #1271
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We're getting Barbara Walters to host the ball drop for the next new years celebration.
All just to hear her say "I am Barbara Walters and this is 2020"

01-08-2019, 07:30 PM   #1272
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QuoteOriginally posted by victormeldrew Quote
I went to a zoo the other day, but the only thing there was one small dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.
Took me a while...
01-08-2019, 09:21 PM - 1 Like   #1273
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QuoteOriginally posted by jack002 Quote
We're getting Barbara Walters to host the ball drop for the next new years celebration.
All just to hear her say "I am Barbara Walters and this is 2020"

Don't get it (not being that familiar with Barbara Walters), however I do now that next year I'll finally get 2020 vision.....
01-09-2019, 02:27 PM   #1274
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QuoteOriginally posted by Liney Quote
Don't get it (not being that familiar with Barbara Walters), however I do now that next year I'll finally get 2020 vision.....
Similar ... AFAIK she is/was host of a show called 20/20.

01-09-2019, 03:03 PM   #1275
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QuoteOriginally posted by Liney Quote
Don't get it (not being that familiar with Barbara Walters),
QuoteOriginally posted by clackers Quote
Similar ... AFAIK she is/was host of a show called 20/20.
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