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02-21-2019, 02:38 PM - 4 Likes   #1306
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I was going to start a GoFundMe project to replace the Sun with LEDs....Think of all the energy we would save!

02-21-2019, 03:28 PM   #1307
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QuoteOriginally posted by bxf Quote
Trivia

Did we ever find out what the knights in white sat in?

Sex is great, but have you ever finally removed a popcorn kernel shell from your gums after 10 hours...?
Went to the movies yesterday. Popcorn never disappoints. Sneaky bastard shells.

02-24-2019, 03:58 AM - 5 Likes   #1308
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QuoteOriginally posted by Riggomatic Quote
I was going to start a GoFundMe project to replace the Sun with LEDs....Think of all the energy we would save!
Why replace the Sun ? All we need is a large dirigible upon which to mount the LEDs.









A genuine LED Zeppelin.
02-24-2019, 08:39 AM   #1309
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
Why replace the Sun ? All we need is a large dirigible upon which to mount the LEDs.



















A genuine LED Zeppelin.
Lol a flat earther's wet dream.



02-26-2019, 06:47 PM - 2 Likes   #1310
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A man with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach sunbathing when the two most beautiful women he'd ever seen set out their towels just a few feet away. The women smiled at the man and kept winking at him while oiling each other's bodies. After a while the women approached the man and asked him

'Have you ever seen naked breasts before?'

To which the man shyly shook his head no. The women removed their bikini tops, exposing their stunning bodies to the shocked man. He couldn't believe his luck.

'Have you ever kissed two women?' they asked next.

After a nervous gulp, the man replied, no, he hadn't.

The two women gave the man the longest, most sensual kisses he'd ever experienced in his life. This was the best day he'd ever experienced, it couldn't get much better.

One of the women leaned down and whispered breathily in his ear

'Have you ever been screwed?'

To which the man replied 'No'

'Well, you are now, the tide's coming in!'
02-27-2019, 06:07 AM   #1311
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QuoteOriginally posted by Tippon Quote
A man with no arms and no legs...
There was a young boy with no arms, no legs, no nothing. In fact, he was just a head.

He always wanted to go out and play with the other children, but his overprotective mother always refused to let him go. One day, however, she relented and the boy was free to go out.

He was playing happily, and then he suddenly found himself rolling down a hill, and, being just a head, unable to stop. Sadly, a car came along and crushed him to death.

The moral of the story: quit while you're a head.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man was trying to make an obscene phone call. He dialed a random number, and a little girl's voice answered.

The man asked, is your mommy home? To which the little girl replied "no". He then asked "do you have a big sister?" and the girl replied "yes, but she is not home either".

The man, annoyed, paused for a moment and then cried "kaka, pish pish, wee wee!"

Last edited by bxf; 03-04-2019 at 05:59 AM.
02-27-2019, 06:54 AM - 3 Likes   #1312
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Way back in the 1960s Buddy came around to Suzie's to take her to the dance. Her mum invited Buddy in for a lemonade whilst Suzie was getting ready.

In amongst the small talk, Suzie's mum suddenly blurted out: 'Suzie can screw, you know. In fact, she tells me she's very good at it. She screws at work and sometimes at home, in her room. She screws when she can, actually!'

Buddy was taken aback slightly, but in his mind, his plans for the evening changed. Anyhow, after ten minutes, Suzie came downstairs, all glammed up and ready to go. Buddy had a glint in his eye...

Thee hours elapsed, and Suzie's mum heard the key in the lock. In stepped an angry Suzie, hair dishevelled, clothes soiled; sweater torn, make-up running down her tearful face in black rivulets.

'Mother!' she exclaimed through the tears. 'It's the TWIST! The bloody dance is called the TWIST!'

---------- Post added 02-27-2019 at 02:12 PM ----------

A man boarded an aircraft and found himself sat next to a pretty woman, in good shape physically, and dressed provocatively.

'Ooo hello!' She said. 'I'm just on my way to a seminar in New York about human sexuality. It ties in with my dissertation I did when I graduated from university. Did you know that contrary to popular belief, the best lovers are not the Latin or Italian men of fiction and legend, but are, in fact a complex mix of Irish, Greek and Native American origin?'

Suddenly, this young attractive lady blushed and her face fell. 'I'm so sorry, she said. Here I am, making small talk to a complete and utter stranger; it's all me, me, me - I don't even know your name!'

'Anacletus Theodopolis O'Brien', the man replied. 'But my friends just call me Tonto'.

Last edited by Russell W. Barnes; 02-27-2019 at 07:13 AM.
02-27-2019, 07:42 PM - 2 Likes   #1313
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Let's keep in mind the audience here folks. Jokes are fun, but they need to stay clean and not stray to bathroom humour, or contain objectionable language.

Carry on . . . . . . . . .

02-28-2019, 06:29 AM - 5 Likes   #1314
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A man was spotted walking around town with a penguin. Someone telephoned the Police and a car was dispatched to see what was going on.

'Where did you get that penguin?' Barked a Police officer.

'Well, he just kind of followed me, and now he sticks around.'

'You can't just go around with a penguin!' Spluttered the Policeman. 'It's a wild animal! Take him to the zoo!'

As night fell, the same man - and the penguin - were spotted by the same Policeman, on patrol in a different part of the city.

'Hey! Hey you!' Shouted the officer. 'I thought I told you to take that damn penguin to the zoo!'

'Oh, I did that', said the man. 'I'm taking him to the cinema now.'

---------- Post added 02-28-2019 at 01:47 PM ----------

Many years ago, there was an island in the South Pacific ruled by a king. The king of this island - I forgot its name - was keen to reach out to other nations and, as such, used to attract foreign dignitaries from all over the globe. Normally foreign dignitaries and rulers exchange gifts on such occasions, and this king was no exception, other than there was one thing the visiting dignitaries had to abide by.

The king collected furniture: special furniture, in fact, that the leaders of the countries whom had sent the dignitaries used to sit on when reigning. The king felt this was an apposite and reasonable request, and the dignitaries all abided by it.

After so many years in power, the king of this island - I still can't remember its name - was running out of space to store his acquired gifts, so he extended his home, built from local vegetation and leaves, another two storeys high. Then, one fateful day, after placing his last gift of a monarch's chair in the upper floor of his palace, the weight of all the acquired furniture was so much that the floor shook, the roof caved in and the walls bowed. All the furniture fell on the king and crushed the very life out of him, killing him in an instant.

And all this just goes to show... Men who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
02-28-2019, 08:35 AM   #1315
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QuoteOriginally posted by Russell W. Barnes Quote
A man was spotted walking around town with a penguin. Someone telephoned the Police and a car was dispatched to see what was going on.

'Where did you get that penguin?' Barked a Police officer.

'Well, he just kind of followed me, and now he sticks around.'

'You can't just go around with a penguin!' Spluttered the Policeman. 'It's a wild animal! Take him to the zoo!'

As night fell, the same man - and the penguin - were spotted by the same Policeman, on patrol in a different part of the city.

'Hey! Hey you!' Shouted the officer. 'I thought I told you to take that damn penguin to the zoo!'

'Oh, I did that', said the man. 'I'm taking him to the cinema now.'

---------- Post added 02-28-2019 at 01:47 PM ----------

Many years ago, there was an island in the South Pacific ruled by a king. The king of this island - I forgot its name - was keen to reach out to other nations and, as such, used to attract foreign dignitaries from all over the globe. Normally foreign dignitaries and rulers exchange gifts on such occasions, and this king was no exception, other than there was one thing the visiting dignitaries had to abide by.



The king collected furniture: special furniture, in fact, that the leaders of the countries whom had sent the dignitaries used to sit on when reigning. The king felt this was an apposite and reasonable request, and the dignitaries all abided by it.



After so many years in power, the king of this island - I still can't remember its name - was running out of space to store his acquired gifts, so he extended his home, built from local vegetation and leaves, another two storeys high. Then, one fateful day, after placing his last gift of a monarch's chair in the upper floor of his palace, the weight of all the acquired furniture was so much that the floor shook, the roof caved in and the walls bowed. All the furniture fell on the king and crushed the very life out of him, killing him in an instant.



And all this just goes to show... Men who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Hahaha nice wordplay there! Kind of a moral tongue twister.

02-28-2019, 03:24 PM - 9 Likes   #1316
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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
02-28-2019, 04:40 PM - 13 Likes   #1317
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy; Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters:
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
03-08-2019, 07:30 AM - 3 Likes   #1318
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Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
03-08-2019, 07:50 AM - 3 Likes   #1319
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I had to get a cat scan the other day.

03-08-2019, 10:45 AM - 2 Likes   #1320
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Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultra-sound guy.
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