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03-09-2019, 02:00 PM - 8 Likes   #1321
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Wife to husband: You bought me 20 pairs of underpants, all the same colour! People are going to think I never change my panties!

Husband to wife: Which people?

03-13-2019, 01:15 AM - 6 Likes   #1322
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My wife phoned me at work today, she asked "Have you been experiencing unexplained sharp stabbing pains across your chest, like someone is sticking pins on a Voodoo doll?"

I thought for a second and replied "No I haven't"

It was quite for a second then she asked "What about now....?"
03-13-2019, 03:17 AM - 3 Likes   #1323
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What did the mermaid wear to math class?

An algaebra.

03-14-2019, 03:00 PM - 6 Likes   #1324
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A woman found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the local veterinarian.The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that,if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and buy some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist leans forward and whispers to her, "I suggest then that you stay off your bike for about a week."

03-14-2019, 03:14 PM - 7 Likes   #1325
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People say that cats hate baths.
I gave my cat a bath and she loved it.
But it took two days to get all the cat fur off my tongue.
03-24-2019, 04:18 PM - 6 Likes   #1326
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03-24-2019, 04:42 PM - 2 Likes   #1327
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A newly-discovered butterfly was going to be named Lady Chatterley -


Until they realised the caterpillar would be known as :


Lady Chatterley's Larva
04-06-2019, 10:45 AM - 6 Likes   #1328
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Hopefully a bagpipe joke will bring our MIA OP back for a visit.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The Great Highland burns longer, but the Northumbrian burns hotter.

04-06-2019, 10:48 AM - 2 Likes   #1329
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If some things happen overnight, do the other things happen under day?
04-08-2019, 02:40 AM - 3 Likes   #1330
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A blonde cowboy walks into the bar, naked, except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde rode up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’”

Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’

So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”
04-08-2019, 03:18 PM - 1 Like   #1331
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QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
Hopefully a bagpipe joke will bring our MIA OP back for a visit.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The Great Highland burns longer, but the Northumbrian burns hotter.
Love it, Bob!

04-10-2019, 06:38 PM - 9 Likes   #1332
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"I got fired from my last job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”."
6 Days Ago - 6 Likes   #1333
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A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur drama society's version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off.”
6 Days Ago - 3 Likes   #1334
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QuoteOriginally posted by MarkJerling Quote
A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur drama society's version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off.”
Several years ago we bought my mother-in-law a toy animated parrot as a gag gift. It would repeat whatever you say.
Before we gave it to her I used all the curse words or phrases I knew, it was a ton of fun!
6 Days Ago - 1 Like   #1335
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QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
Several years ago we bought my mother-in-law a toy animated parrot as a gag gift. It would repeat whatever you say.
Before we gave it to her I used all the curse words or phrases I knew, it was a ton of fun!
Sounds like a great gift for the local vicar!

When I was a kid, friends of my dad's had a pet crow which had a very colourful vocabulary. They used to hide it in the shed when the local minister came to visit.
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