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04-12-2019, 02:49 AM - 1 Like   #1336
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I've found a sure fire way to get a smoking hot body....


I'm going to get cremated.....

04-12-2019, 06:37 AM - 6 Likes   #1337
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A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?
04-12-2019, 06:40 AM - 5 Likes   #1338
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QuoteOriginally posted by Liney Quote
I've found a sure fire way to get a smoking hot body....
I'm going to get cremated.
That shows you're thinking out of the box.
04-12-2019, 07:53 AM - 2 Likes   #1339
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QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
That shows you're thinking out of the box.
I have a burning question about cremation

04-12-2019, 03:17 PM - 4 Likes   #1340
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I was on a bus today, with two ladies conversing in front of me, when we passed a large cemetary.

One lady said 'I don't want to be buried there.'

The other enquired 'Why not ?'

The first lady said 'Well, I'm not dead yet.'
04-13-2019, 03:12 PM - 9 Likes   #1341
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04-14-2019, 07:42 AM - 7 Likes   #1342
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04-15-2019, 09:21 PM - 5 Likes   #1343
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Another from the vault:

Little Tommy is out in the garden with his mum, and he is looking intently at the flower beds. Suddenly his hands reach out and grasp something and he turns to his mum with his hands clasped together like a bubble, "Mummy" he says, "is there such a thing as a daddy long legs?"

Mummy looks up from her knitting, "yes dear there is".

Tommy moved his thumb to one side and peers into the gap made by his hands. "Mummy, is there such a thing as a mummy long legs?"

Mummy things for a moment "No darling I don't think there is".

Tommy then proceeds to push his palms together and rubbing his hands proclaims "Right, we'll have not of that sort of thing here thank you very much..."

---------- Post added 04-16-19 at 01:56 PM ----------

The next day Tommy is out in the garden with his grandfather, and he finds a wiggly worm. As little boys do, he picks it up and says "Look grandad, a wiggly worm".

Grandad walks over and says "So it is. You're a bright lad Tommy, if you can come up with a way to get that worm back in its hole I will give you a pound".

Tommy thinks for a moment, then runs back into the house and comes back with his mummy's hair spray. He lays the worm out flat on the ground, and gives it a good spray. Within seconds the hair spray dries and the worm is stiff as a board. Tommy then slots the worm back into its hole.

The next day grandad came to visit again and he handed Tommy a pound coin, saying "for being such a clever little boy here is the pound I promised you" and reaching into his pocket he goes on "and here is a fiver from grandma....."


Last edited by Liney; 04-15-2019 at 09:28 PM.
04-16-2019, 03:08 PM - 2 Likes   #1344
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Q What do rabbits use as deoderant ?

A Hare freshener

Last edited by 35mmfilmfan; 04-16-2019 at 03:10 PM. Reason: mis-speeling
04-16-2019, 03:47 PM - 1 Like   #1345
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The Dynamic Duo were walking along a beach one Sunday when Robin spied a gigantic tsunami racing toward them, so he yelled out:

Wholly water Batman!
04-17-2019, 06:56 AM - 2 Likes   #1346
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If you have to take band over and you play drums, you are a repercussionist
04-19-2019, 06:20 AM - 1 Like   #1347
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What kind of wounds does Superman inflict?





Superficial
04-19-2019, 05:02 PM   #1348
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QuoteOriginally posted by Liney Quote
Another from the vault:

Little Tommy is out in the garden with his mum, and he is looking intently at the flower beds. Suddenly his hands reach out and grasp something and he turns to his mum with his hands clasped together like a bubble, "Mummy" he says, "is there such a thing as a daddy long legs?"

Mummy looks up from her knitting, "yes dear there is".

Tommy moved his thumb to one side and peers into the gap made by his hands. "Mummy, is there such a thing as a mummy long legs?"

Mummy things for a moment "No darling I don't think there is".

Tommy then proceeds to push his palms together and rubbing his hands proclaims "Right, we'll have not of that sort of thing here thank you very much..."

---------- Post added 04-16-19 at 01:56 PM ----------

The next day Tommy is out in the garden with his grandfather, and he finds a wiggly worm. As little boys do, he picks it up and says "Look grandad, a wiggly worm".

Grandad walks over and says "So it is. You're a bright lad Tommy, if you can come up with a way to get that worm back in its hole I will give you a pound".

Tommy thinks for a moment, then runs back into the house and comes back with his mummy's hair spray. He lays the worm out flat on the ground, and gives it a good spray. Within seconds the hair spray dries and the worm is stiff as a board. Tommy then slots the worm back into its hole.

The next day grandad came to visit again and he handed Tommy a pound coin, saying "for being such a clever little boy here is the pound I promised you" and reaching into his pocket he goes on "and here is a fiver from grandma....."
Did I miss something on the daddy/mommy long legs one?

The wiggly worm was nice. Made me chuckle. Now I'll have to make it work in Spanish. The key wording being "wiggly", which is not that easy to translate as in "flaccid" (which honestly would give the joke away from the start).

04-19-2019, 05:46 PM - 2 Likes   #1349
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QuoteOriginally posted by torashi Quote
Did I miss something on the daddy/mommy long legs one?

The wiggly worm was nice. Made me chuckle. Now I'll have to make it work in Spanish. The key wording being "wiggly", which is not that easy to translate as in "flaccid" (which honestly would give the joke away from the start).
What do you call a cow with only 2 legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
No point in calling it anything it can’t come anyway.
04-19-2019, 06:36 PM - 2 Likes   #1350
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QuoteOriginally posted by Andy123 Quote
What do you call a cow with only 2 legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.


What do you call a dog with no legs?
No point in calling it anything it can’t come anyway.
There.

Fixed.
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