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05-12-2019, 11:26 PM - 12 Likes   #1366
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Two Aussie outback bushies saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Royal Family. They were looking for footmen to walk beside Her Majesty's carriage.

They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with the Queen.

She says to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen.”

After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”
Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”

Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other: ”I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!”

05-13-2019, 07:39 AM - 4 Likes   #1367
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QuoteOriginally posted by clackers Quote
Two Aussie outback bushies saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Royal Family. They were looking for footmen to walk beside Her Majesty's carriage.

They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with the Queen.

She says to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen.”

After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”
Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”

Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other: ”I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!”
05-20-2019, 08:45 AM - 4 Likes   #1368
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My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly.
05-20-2019, 10:39 AM - 1 Like   #1369
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QuoteOriginally posted by robtcorl Quote
My wife and I decided not to have kids
The kids are taking it pretty badly.
But your grandkids full-heartedly agree with you.

RONC

05-20-2019, 03:29 PM - 4 Likes   #1370
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Took my wife to a wife-swapping party.

Got two bottles of Single Malt for her.



Dead chuffed - I didn't think she was worth that much.
05-20-2019, 05:49 PM - 6 Likes   #1371
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An elderly man went to his doctor for his routine physical. As he was a bit hard of hearing, his wife went with him.
When the doctor was finished he said "the only thing left is the lab work. I need a urine sample and a stool sample".
The man looked at his wife and said "What? What did he say?"
The wife said "He said he needs your underwear".
05-20-2019, 07:10 PM - 9 Likes   #1372
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A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
05-20-2019, 07:17 PM - 1 Like   #1373
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I had to think about that one a while, Mark.

05-20-2019, 07:20 PM - 2 Likes   #1374
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
I had to think about that one a while, Mark.
At first I thought I imagined one finger of each hand so the Roman was going to ask for ten beers.

Last edited by WPRESTO; 05-21-2019 at 03:29 PM.
05-20-2019, 09:37 PM   #1375
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QuoteOriginally posted by 35mmfilmfan Quote
Took my wife to a wife-swapping party.

Got two bottles of Single Malt for her.



Dead chuffed - I didn't think she was worth that much.
LOl that reminds me of a old joke book I saw about 30 years ago . I had about wife swapping basically you swap your wife for some thing useful for the weekend like a chain saw etc.

Last edited by Parallax; 05-21-2019 at 05:11 AM. Reason: Masked profanity
05-21-2019, 07:37 AM - 2 Likes   #1376
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QuoteOriginally posted by Parallax Quote
I had to think about that one a while, Mark.
Weather up there getting to you, Jim?
05-22-2019, 06:02 AM - 5 Likes   #1377
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Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Great Grandpa, Will Johnston, walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet
we can tell exactly how old you are!'
Will said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, Will dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and
down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison,'You're 93 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, Will asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
05-22-2019, 07:55 AM   #1378
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QuoteOriginally posted by robert52 Quote
LOl that reminds me of a old joke book I saw about 30 years ago . I had about wife swapping basically you swap your wife for some thing useful for the weekend like a chain saw etc.
Probably where I read it. Hadn't realised it was that recent, though.
05-23-2019, 09:35 PM - 10 Likes   #1379
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A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring..

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000' the jeweller said. "It's the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah."

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir ...There's no money in that account!'

'''I know,' said the old man... 'But let me tell you about my weekend.'"
05-23-2019, 09:51 PM   #1380
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QuoteOriginally posted by WPRESTO Quote
At first I thought I imagined one finger of each hand so the Roman was going to ask for ten beers.


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