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06-11-2019, 04:34 AM - 10 Likes   #1426
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The gynecologist who became a mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork,
and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be
beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical
college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could.



When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade?”



“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”



After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it
all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.

06-13-2019, 04:09 PM - 8 Likes   #1427
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I hear that Angelina Jelly might be opening next door.

06-17-2019, 11:11 PM - 4 Likes   #1428
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My girlfriend poked me in the eyes. I stopped seeing her for a while.
06-18-2019, 12:00 AM - 2 Likes   #1429
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My girlfriend told me she saw her dentist.


I asked if she bit the optician.

06-18-2019, 06:46 AM - 4 Likes   #1430
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06-18-2019, 07:16 AM - 8 Likes   #1431
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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic.
But if I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
07-03-2019, 04:06 PM - 2 Likes   #1432
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A man walked into a bar.

He said 'Ouch !'

It was an iron bar.

(With thanks to the late, great Tommy Cooper).
07-03-2019, 09:32 PM - 12 Likes   #1433
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Morning Sex!!!

She
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for
breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she
normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake,
she turned to me and said
softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I
embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on
the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks" and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little
puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."

07-04-2019, 01:31 AM - 2 Likes   #1434
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QuoteOriginally posted by Tonytee Quote
She
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for
breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she
normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake,
she turned to me and said
softly, You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I
embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on
the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks" and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little
puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."
Soft boiled,obviously
07-04-2019, 01:26 PM - 8 Likes   #1435
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!

And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
07-04-2019, 02:55 PM   #1436
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Not a joke, but funny to my ears nevertheless.

It may not be known to westerners, but Africa does not lack a sense of humour. At least in some of its countries. Some good examples may be found in social media comments after some Ghanaian national team football player screws up. Or sometimes even if he doesn't.

Following are four Ghanaian idioms that I find particularly amusing. All are nouns:

Kwakwe (mouse) last stop mousetrap
Sister (or Brother) thank you a hand-me-down
African A/C hand held paper fan
Bend down boutique Clothes for sale, spread on the market floor
07-04-2019, 11:24 PM - 2 Likes   #1437
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There was an inflatable boy who was getting bored at his inflatable school, so one day he walked out of his inflatable classroom and walked down the inflatable hallway. As he was walking, the inflatable principal walked by saying, "What are you doing here?" In fright the inflatable boy pulled out a pin and popped the principal. A minute later the inflatable boy was out of the inflatable school. Looking back he said to himself, "I don't like that school!" So he took out his pin and popped the inflatable school. He ran back home and locked himself in his room.

Later the inflatable police pulled up to his door. Scared and not knowing what to do, he pulled out his pin and popped himself.

Hours later, he woke up in the inflatable hospital. He looked around and saw the deflated principal, who looked at him and said, "Well lad, you let me down, you let the school down, but worst of all you let yourself down."

Last edited by clackers; 07-05-2019 at 03:47 AM.
07-05-2019, 02:15 AM - 1 Like   #1438
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QuoteOriginally posted by clackers Quote
There was an inflatable boy who was getting bored at his inflatable school, so one day he walked out of his inflatable classroom and walked down the inflatable hallway. As he was walking, the inflatable principal walked by saying, "What are you doing here?" In fright the inflatable boy pulled out a pin and popped the principal. A minute later the inflatable boy was out of the inflatable school. Looking back he said to himself, "I don't like that school!" So he took out his pin and popped the inflatable school. He ran back home and locked himself in his room.

Later the inflatable police pulled up to his door. Scared and not knowing what to do, he pulled out his pin and popped himself.

Hours later, he woke up in the inflatabe hospital. He looked around and saw the deflated principal, who looked at him and said, "Well lad, you let me down, you let the school down, but worst of all you let yourself down."
The moral of the story: Always keep an air pump handy.
07-05-2019, 04:51 AM - 1 Like   #1439
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QuoteOriginally posted by Racer X 69 Quote
The moral of the story: Always keep an air pump handy.
OR: Do got pass gas where people will notice. (Is this a permissible comment?)
07-08-2019, 08:13 AM - 1 Like   #1440
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