The Joke Thread

**fuzzyphotos** · 01-21-2016, 08:44 PM

What do you get when you go fishing with a shotgun?

Holly Mackerel

**luftfluss** · 01-21-2016, 11:36 PM - **1 Like**

The best thing about dating a Chicago Cubs fan?

You know she ain't looking for a ring.

**W.j.christy** · 01-22-2016, 07:15 AM - **2 Likes**

How do you tell the difference between an introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?

The introverted engineer looks at their shoes when they talk to you the extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when they talk to you.

An engineer and a mathematician are placed in a corner of a room. At the opposite corner of the room a beautiful woman stands waiting. Both the engineer and the mathematician are told they are only allowed to travel half the distance of the room for the first move and then half the previous distance traveled for each subsequent move in order to receive a kiss from the beautiful woman in the opposing corner. The mathmetician throws his hands in the air and says "Its a non-converging series I will never make it to the other side of the room" and gives up, the engineer says "I'll get close enough." And that is the difference between engineers and mathematicians.

A mathematician, physicist, and an engineer are all selected for a psychological experiment in which they are each left alone in a room by themselves with three perfectly formed hollow stainless steel spheres for 5 mins.

When the mathematician leaves they find the he the spheres arranged in a triangle in tribute Pythagoras.

When the physicist leaves they find each sphere has been stack perfectly balanced on top of one another in a display of the power of the moment of inertia.

When the engineer leaves they find one sphere is cracked dented and left in a corner, another is missing completely, and the last in the lunch box of the engineer as he "thought it would look cool on his desk"

A little engineer humor for you at the start of the day. We are a weird lot!

**wizofoz** · 01-22-2016, 08:11 AM - **3 Likes**

How do we know the toothbrush was invented by a Collingwood fan? anyone else and it would have been a teethbrush

Rupert · 01-22-2016, 09:11 AM

Otis dumped a stack of "Squirrel=Safe" jokes on my desk this morning to post here......there is not a damn one of them that wouldn't get me banned for life.

Keep 'em coming!

Regards!

normhead · 01-22-2016, 09:40 AM - **2 Likes**

If you have to ask... "if I divorce my wife is she still my cousin?" you might be a hillbilly.

Or the title of my favourite country western song....
" If I woulda shot her when I shoulda, I would have been out by now."

Or maybe
"If your phone doesn't ring, that'll be me."

or
'How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

**ffking** · 01-22-2016, 10:05 AM

Originally posted by normhead

Or the tile of my favourite country western song....

I've always liked
"When you leave me walk out backwards so I think you're coming in."

or
"I tried to drown my troubles but they all learned how to swim."

Not sure if titles or just lines?

Parallax · 01-22-2016, 10:07 AM

If your hometown phone book only has 5 surnames, you might be a redneck.

Parallax · 01-22-2016, 10:10 AM - **2 Likes**

Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did."

.........................................................................................

Hang on to any of the State of Texas quarters. If you
have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all
of the Texas quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the Texas quarters that have been
issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford
said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous
reports that the new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other
coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various
states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success
among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas
quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M grad student," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together
keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

bertwert · 01-22-2016, 10:12 AM - **1 Like**

Which of King Arthur's knights liked to measure the round table?
Sir Cumference

Which of King Arthur's knights lived the longest?
Sir Vive

Which of King Arthur's knights was never needed?
Sir Plus

Which of King Arthur's knights walked round the table?
Sir Kit

Which of King Arthur's people was most like a bird?
Merlin

Earlier today my teacher was wondering why my books were on my head, I replied " I am learning by osmosis."

I started band called 1023 MB but I haven't had a gig.

Why can't you trust atoms?
Because they make everything up.

nomadkng · 01-22-2016, 10:21 AM

What do you call a pothole on Squirrel Lane?

A road dent.

Why do you never see crash test dummies as CEO's?

At some point their career trajectory hits a wall.

The rest of my jokes Otis would like, so I guess I can't post them.

Can we get a NSFW joke thread started?....lol

bertwert · 01-22-2016, 10:23 AM

Bob: We don't have time to take photos this afternoon
Joe: Why not? It'll only take 1/200 of a second.

Parallax · 01-22-2016, 10:23 AM - **5 Likes**

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's rather tattered and worn shopping bag. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. I need that seat for my bag."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but that was the only seat without someone in it. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the woman’s bag, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong old bag out the window."

**monochrome** · 01-22-2016, 10:38 AM

For our Eastern Seaboard members, pretty much.

#Snowmageddon2016

bertwert · 02-07-2016, 03:01 PM - **3 Likes**

There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those that understand binary and those that don't.

01-22-2016, 09:40 AM - 2 Likes	#21
normhead Pentaxian Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Near Algonquin Park Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 40,451	If you have to ask... "if I divorce my wife is she still my cousin?" you might be a hillbilly. Or the title of my favourite country western song.... " If I woulda shot her when I shoulda, I would have been out by now." Or maybe "If your phone doesn't ring, that'll be me." or 'How can I miss you if you won't go away?" Last edited by normhead; 04-25-2016 at 10:26 AM.

01-22-2016, 10:38 AM	#29
monochrome Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Working From Home Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 26,276	#Snowmageddon Redux For our Eastern Seaboard members, pretty much. #Snowmageddon2016

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01-21-2016, 08:44 PM	#16
fuzzyphotos Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jan 2016 Photos: Albums Posts: 313	What do you get when you go fishing with a shotgun? Holly Mackerel

01-21-2016, 11:36 PM - 1 Like	#17
luftfluss Site Supporter Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: NJ Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 11,626	The best thing about dating a Chicago Cubs fan? You know she ain't looking for a ring.

01-22-2016, 07:15 AM - 2 Likes	#18
W.j.christy Site Supporter Join Date: Oct 2015 Location: Texas Photos: Albums Posts: 558	How do you tell the difference between an introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer? The introverted engineer looks at their shoes when they talk to you the extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when they talk to you. An engineer and a mathematician are placed in a corner of a room. At the opposite corner of the room a beautiful woman stands waiting. Both the engineer and the mathematician are told they are only allowed to travel half the distance of the room for the first move and then half the previous distance traveled for each subsequent move in order to receive a kiss from the beautiful woman in the opposing corner. The mathmetician throws his hands in the air and says "Its a non-converging series I will never make it to the other side of the room" and gives up, the engineer says "I'll get close enough." And that is the difference between engineers and mathematicians. A mathematician, physicist, and an engineer are all selected for a psychological experiment in which they are each left alone in a room by themselves with three perfectly formed hollow stainless steel spheres for 5 mins. When the mathematician leaves they find the he the spheres arranged in a triangle in tribute Pythagoras. When the physicist leaves they find each sphere has been stack perfectly balanced on top of one another in a display of the power of the moment of inertia. When the engineer leaves they find one sphere is cracked dented and left in a corner, another is missing completely, and the last in the lunch box of the engineer as he "thought it would look cool on his desk" A little engineer humor for you at the start of the day. We are a weird lot!

01-22-2016, 08:11 AM - 3 Likes	#19
wizofoz Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Melbourne, Outer east. Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 1,695	How do we know the toothbrush was invented by a Collingwood fan? anyone else and it would have been a teethbrush

01-22-2016, 09:11 AM	#20
Rupert Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Texas Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 25,123	Otis dumped a stack of "Squirrel=Safe" jokes on my desk this morning to post here......there is not a damn one of them that wouldn't get me banned for life. Keep 'em coming! Regards!

01-22-2016, 10:05 AM	#22
ffking Site Supporter Join Date: Nov 2015 Location: Old South Wales Posts: 6,039	Originally posted by normhead Or the tile of my favourite country western song.... I've always liked "When you leave me walk out backwards so I think you're coming in." or "I tried to drown my troubles but they all learned how to swim." Not sure if titles or just lines?

01-22-2016, 10:07 AM	#23
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	If your hometown phone book only has 5 surnames, you might be a redneck.

01-22-2016, 10:10 AM - 2 Likes	#24
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did." ......................................................................................... Hang on to any of the State of Texas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the Texas quarters that have been issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M grad student," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

01-22-2016, 10:12 AM - 1 Like	#25
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,172 Original Poster	Which of King Arthur's knights liked to measure the round table? Sir Cumference Which of King Arthur's knights lived the longest? Sir Vive Which of King Arthur's knights was never needed? Sir Plus Which of King Arthur's knights walked round the table? Sir Kit Which of King Arthur's people was most like a bird? Merlin Earlier today my teacher was wondering why my books were on my head, I replied " I am learning by osmosis." I started band called 1023 MB but I haven't had a gig. Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make everything up.

01-22-2016, 10:21 AM	#26
nomadkng Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Phoenix, AZ Posts: 1,448	What do you call a pothole on Squirrel Lane? A road dent. Why do you never see crash test dummies as CEO's? At some point their career trajectory hits a wall. The rest of my jokes Otis would like, so I guess I can't post them. Can we get a NSFW joke thread started?....lol

01-22-2016, 10:23 AM	#27
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,172 Original Poster	Bob: We don't have time to take photos this afternoon Joe: Why not? It'll only take 1/200 of a second.

01-22-2016, 10:23 AM - 5 Likes	#28
Parallax Senior Moderator Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: South Dakota Photos: Gallery Posts: 19,332	The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's rather tattered and worn shopping bag. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. I need that seat for my bag." The Marine walked the entire train again, but that was the only seat without someone in it. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the woman’s bag, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong old bag out the window."

02-07-2016, 03:01 PM - 3 Likes	#30
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,172 Original Poster	There are 10 types of people in the world: Those that understand binary and those that don't.