[normhead]

Sorry to disagree. It is funny nevertheless

Just not to me... if y'all want to laugh, be my guest.

It hurts more when I laugh.

[Unregistered User 8]

Jack was packing for his business trip, and his 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing and giggling on the bed. At one point she stopped everything, held out her little hand and said " Daddy, look at this !! "
Being busy but still wanting to keep his little girl entertained, he put her fingers in his mouth and said " Daddy is going to eat you up !!! " to which she giggled and started playing again. Then silence.
Looking up Jack noticed his daughter staring sadly at her fingers. " What's wrong honey? he asked.
She replied " Where's my booger gone? "

[bxf]

(The following may not make sense to some, but I used to go to an Italian shoe maker (do people still know what this is?) in Montreal who was a real artist, and a friendly, pleasant guy. BUT, whatever day he said your shoes would be ready, was usually fiction).

This guy, while doing a major cleanup at home, came across a coupon stuck behind his old desk. He looks at it at says to himself "ha, this is for a pair of shoes I left at Giovanni's 25 years ago. I forgot all about them. I think I'll go and have a bit of fun with him".

He goes to Giovanni and hands him the coupon. Giovanni looks at and says "oh yese, yese. Com-e back-e Tuesday, be ready for sure".

[ivanvernon]

RETRACTION

The Daily Post sincerely apologizes to Mary ________ for an error in our Arrests and Citations section yesterday. It was reported in our
newspaper of Thursday that Mary _______ had been arrested for prostitution and solicitation. Actually, however, the arrest citation was
for speeding 5 mph over the speed limit.

PRODUCT ADS

Giant price reduction. All items priced at 50% discount or one-half off whichever is lower.

PRODUCT LABEL

CAUTION: This product may contain peanuts. (Shown on a 5-pound bag of peanuts.)

CLASSIFIED SECTION:

Low mileage Nissan Maxima, excellent condition, fully loaded with all extras including sunroof, A/C, CD player, all electric windows, and every
extra. Only $8,500. NOT FOR SALE.

Great mattress and box springs, top brand, quilted top, just like new. Slight odor of urine. $40.00.

NEWS SECTION:

Recent surveys have shown that the incidence of teen-age pregnancy decreases sharply after the age of 25.

A Nike spokesman has announced that Tiger Woods plays with his own balls.

---

Last edited by ivanvernon; 08-30-2016 at 09:03 AM. Reason: spelling correction

[bertwert]

What do you call a battalion armed with incandescent bulbs, a battalion armed with fluorescent bulbs and a battalion armed with LED bulbs?
.
.
.
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.
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.
.
.
.
The Light Brigade!

[MarkJerling]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, and 2 South Africans ...

... All walk into a fine upscale restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

[MarkJerling]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[bigdavephoto]

I made a mention of this in the thread about lens noise I started.


This is a true story.


A few years back, I was in a used DVD/CD/Game store looking around. The store had the type of shelving that is around 4 to 5 feet tall so when you are standing upright, a person can see over them. I saw a movie that look interesting on the bottom shelf. So, instead of kneeling down like I normally do, I squatted like you would when doing exercises.


Wile I was down there looking at that movie, I felt a rumble down low. You know the type that you get after eating three meals in a row with beans in it. I figured it wouldn't be loud, so I let it rip.


Boy, was I wrong. Loudest one I had done in a long while.


The best part was, apparently, there was a couple of teenage girls in the next isle over from me. As soon as I was finished, I heard the first girl exclaim in a very loud voice, "SISSY!". I am guessing the second girl, who was standing between me and the first one replied in just as load of a voice, "IT WASN'T ME!"


So, all I did was put the movie back, and while still crouched down, walked around to the isle that was behind me before standing up. I still don't know how I was able to keep from laughing my head off until I got back to my truck.



True story.

[Unregistered User 8]

Rupert went to visit his good friend Steve, and was amazed to see him playing chess with his dog.


" That is the smartest dog that I have ever seen !!! " exclaimed Rupert in disbelief.


Steve replied smugly, " Nah, he's not so smart, I've beaten him 3 games out of 5. "

[WPRESTO]

Similar to the previous entry, we had a cat named Pounce le Lion, or "Pouncy" for short. Of numerous cats I & we have known, he was the dumbest, easily. Our standard story was: Pouncy likes to hunt spiders in the cellar, but three times out of five they outwit him. Pouncy's idea of hunting rodents was to lie down and pretend to be a rock, hoping one would try to hide under him.

---------- Post added 09-09-16 at 08:30 PM ----------

Probably everyone has read the student's version of history as extracted from papers and exams. I came a across a list of elementary students' versions of science that is amusing and sometimes charming. Here are some.

1) Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

2) When you breath you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

3) The pistol of a flower is its only defense against insects.

4) Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

5) A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

6) We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

7) To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

[Paleo Pete]

Ann old man of 84 went to the doctor for his checkup. The doctor poked and prodded, took his pulse, blood pressure, temperature and so forth, and pronounced him in good shape for a man his age. He was ready to leave, when the doctor said he needed one more thing. A sperm sample. He gave the man a small bottle and told him to bring back a sample the next day.

So the next day the old man came back with an empty bottle. The doctor asked him about it and he said...

Well Doc, I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, nothing. So I got my wife. She tried with her left hand, she tried with her right hand, nothing. So we got the neighbor's wife. She tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she even tried with her teeth and...

The doctor stopped him, incredulous. WHAT? Your neighbor's wife?

Yeah Doc, no matter what we did we couldn't get that damn bottle open.

********************************

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping one night on the prairie. About 2 Am Tonto woke the Lone ranger and said

Kemosabi, look up. What you see?

The Lone Ranger looked around a few seconds...

I see a clear sky, millions of stars and galaxies.

What that mean to you Kemosabi?

Well, astronomically it means there are millions of stars out there, mathematically it means it is not likely we are alone in the universe, astrologically it means Leo is rising and meteorologically it means tomorrow should be a nice day.

He looked around for a few seconds...What does it mean to you Tonto?

Tonto shook his head...Kemosabi you dumb as a buffalo chip. It mean someone stole tent!

[Unregistered User 8]

#1
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's a sweet and touching tribute.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date !!!


#2
" Do you think that I am a bad parent Steven? "


" My name is Michael."

[Tonytee]

A business man returns home after a long, arduous journey trying to sign up more clients. When he finally reaches home, his wife and son greet him lovingly. He reached down and picked up his son and held him close. He asks his son if he had behaved well while he was gone. The son replied, "Yes, father I did." But you know what? I got to sleep in your bed with mom the whole time you were away. The father appearing to be serious (Just teasing) said to his son, "I will tell you this, I do not want any other men sleeping with mom in our bed. A few weeks later, the gentleman returns from another business trip, only this time his wife and son are at the airport to greet him. The son sees his father from a distance, starts running to meet with Dad and screams along the way, "Hey Dad, no other men slept with mom while you were gone this time." ;000 Love that joke.

Rgds,

Antonio

[WPRESTO]

This is an old joke whose punch line is easily anticipated, but here goes.

A doctor flew cross country to attend a meeting. As he was walking down a street a woman came along waving her arms in the air and shouting "Schultz is dead! Schultz is dead!" Women nearby began moaning, or weeping, some wailing and all saying "No, no. Schultz is dead!" 'It can.t be true, Schultz cannot be dead!" What will we do? Schultz is dead!"
At the medical conference a speaker began talking about a patient named Schultz who had recently passed away, and wanted to show the audience a specimen taken after death (Schultz having given permission). He lifted a heavy fluid-filled jar in which was undoubtedly the largest male organ anyone attending had ever seen.
After the meeting the visiting doctor asked if he could take the specimen back east on loan to show to his colleagues, and got permission. Following the four hour flight back across the country he was carrying the huge bottle under his arm as he walked out to his waiting wife. As he approach, her eyes widened and her jaw dropped: "Oh no! Schultz is dead!"

[MarkJerling]

Two friends meet in the street. The one man looked rather forlorn and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck for you, eh?"

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand, free and clear."

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost one hundred thousand dollars."

"Incredible... so how come you look so glum?"

"Well, this week...nothing!"