The Joke Thread

MarkJerling · 02-19-2017, 02:21 AM

Thank you!

smf · 02-19-2017, 06:06 AM

If you fear flying, skip this old one.

After the airliner's passengers board, they hear this on the public address system:

“Welcome to Flight 13. This is the world’s first completely automated airliner, with no cockpit crew. Please relax , knowing that nothing can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong.”

robtcorl · 02-19-2017, 07:12 AM - **8 Likes**

Not sure if this warning for older men, like me, has been posted before.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regulars at Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco.
This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month, I also became a victim of this clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something gals come over to your vehicle as you are packing your shopping items. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get into the back seat.
On the way, they start undressing. THEN, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also, July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your male friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men.
Warn them to be vigilant.
BTW, Walmart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out.

bxf · 02-19-2017, 12:03 PM

Originally posted by robtcorl

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex...

...I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out.

$1.99 is probably a bit steep for having your windshield cleaned.

robtcorl · 02-19-2017, 12:12 PM

Originally posted by bxf

$1.99 is probably a bit steep for having your windshield cleaned.

But the show is worth it.

Youtu.be

bxf · 02-19-2017, 12:34 PM - **1 Like**

Originally posted by robtcorl

But the show is worth it.

I could have included a (deadpan) smiley in my last comment, but I often omit them for effect.

rechmbrs · 02-19-2017, 01:02 PM

Heard your wife bragging to neighbors how proud she is of you finally keeping the car clean. She says that she can't get you to clean anything around the house.��

**Tonytee** · 02-19-2017, 06:46 PM - **7 Likes**

From my wife.

Blonde Men...
Well FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later!

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

------------------------------ ------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------ ------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------ ---
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------ ------
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------ --------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------ ------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------ ------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home

Sometimes you can't win for losing.

Tony

photolady95 · 02-19-2017, 06:58 PM

Originally posted by Tonytee

From my wife.

Blonde Men...
Well FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later!

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

------------------------------ ------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------ ------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------ ---
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------ ------
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------ --------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------ ------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------ ------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home

Sometimes you can't win for losing.

Tony

Thanks Tony I needed that laugh!

bertwert · 02-20-2017, 09:14 AM - **5 Likes**

A farmer counted his cows in the field and there were 196, but when he rounded them up he got 200.

Rupert · 02-22-2017, 11:05 PM - **2 Likes**

In a troubled world, this is a damn good place to visit right before bedtime to go to sleep with a smile instead of a frown...thanks to everyone that posts here!

Best Regards & Nighty-Nite!

Unregistered User 8 · 02-22-2017, 11:19 PM

Originally posted by Rupert

Nighty-Nite!

Nighty night Rupert, sleep well buddy.

slip · 02-23-2017, 05:20 PM - **2 Likes**

Light hearted look at the situation

Randy

MarkJerling · 02-23-2017, 05:38 PM - **8 Likes**

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"

"I'd take my half and leave you" she says.

"Great" he says. "Here's $10. I won $20 yesterday! Stay in touch."

MarkJerling · 02-23-2017, 05:40 PM - **4 Likes**

In a remote part of the country, a strapping young farmhand was sent to the station to pick up the new school teacher who turned out to be an attractive young woman.

On the way back to the farm she noticed a stallion mounting a mare. “How do they know when to do that?” she enquired.

The young man explained that it was a sense of smell.

In the very next paddock a bull was with a cow.

“Again, it is a sense of smell,” explained the country boy. “Just like that ram and ewe over there.”

They got to the farmhouse, where he unloaded her luggage and turned to go. “See you later,” he said cheerily.

“Thanks,” she replied. “And do come over when your cold gets better.”

02-19-2017, 07:12 AM - 8 Likes	#378
robtcorl Veteran Member Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: St Louis, MO Photos: Gallery Posts: 11,606	Not sure if this warning for older men, like me, has been posted before. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regulars at Lowe's, Home Depot, or Costco. This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month, I also became a victim of this clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something gals come over to your vehicle as you are packing your shopping items. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. THEN, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also, July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your male friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn them to be vigilant. BTW, Walmart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Last edited by robtcorl; 02-19-2017 at 07:34 AM.

02-19-2017, 06:46 PM - 7 Likes	#383
Tonytee Loyal Site Supporter Join Date: Jul 2012 Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 21,505	Finally, Blonde Men. From my wife. Blonde Men... Well FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later! A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." ------------------------------ ------ A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. ------------------------------ ------ A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!" ------------------------------ --- A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe." ------------------------------ ------ An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat." ------------------------------ -------- A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th." ------------------------------ ------ Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." ------------------------------ ------ A woman phoned her blonde neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home Sometimes you can't win for losing. Tony

02-23-2017, 05:20 PM - 2 Likes	#388
slip Veteran Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: 2 hours north of toronto ontario canada Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 3,535	Canada's solution to the US trangender washroom debate Light hearted look at the situation Randy

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02-19-2017, 02:21 AM	#376
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,408	Thank you!

02-19-2017, 06:06 AM	#377
smf Pentaxian Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Midland, MI Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 4,083	If you fear flying, skip this old one. After the airliner's passengers board, they hear this on the public address system: “Welcome to Flight 13. This is the world’s first completely automated airliner, with no cockpit crew. Please relax , knowing that nothing can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong.”

02-19-2017, 12:03 PM	#379
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	Originally posted by robtcorl They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex... ...I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. $1.99 is probably a bit steep for having your windshield cleaned.

02-19-2017, 12:34 PM - 1 Like	#381
bxf Veteran Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Lisbon area Posts: 1,660	Originally posted by robtcorl But the show is worth it. I could have included a (deadpan) smiley in my last comment, but I often omit them for effect.

02-19-2017, 01:02 PM	#382
rechmbrs Veteran Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Conroe, TX USA Posts: 423	Heard your wife bragging to neighbors how proud she is of you finally keeping the car clean. She says that she can't get you to clean anything around the house.��

02-19-2017, 06:58 PM	#384
photolady95 Otis Memorial Pentaxian Join Date: May 2009 Location: Cruising the forum watching his back Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 12,712	Originally posted by Tonytee From my wife. Blonde Men... Well FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later! A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." ------------------------------ ------ A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up. ------------------------------ ------ A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!" ------------------------------ --- A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe." ------------------------------ ------ An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat." ------------------------------ -------- A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th." ------------------------------ ------ Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two." ------------------------------ ------ A woman phoned her blonde neighbour man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home Sometimes you can't win for losing. Tony Thanks Tony I needed that laugh!

02-20-2017, 09:14 AM - 5 Likes	#385
bertwert Veteran Member Join Date: Jun 2015 Location: Golden, BC Posts: 15,172 Original Poster	A farmer counted his cows in the field and there were 196, but when he rounded them up he got 200.

02-22-2017, 11:05 PM - 2 Likes	#386
Rupert Veteran Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Texas Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 25,123	In a troubled world, this is a damn good place to visit right before bedtime to go to sleep with a smile instead of a frown...thanks to everyone that posts here! Best Regards & Nighty-Nite!

02-22-2017, 11:19 PM	#387
Unregistered User 8 Closed Account Join Date: Mar 2015 Photos: Gallery Posts: 8,694	Originally posted by Rupert Nighty-Nite! Nighty night Rupert, sleep well buddy.

02-23-2017, 05:38 PM - 8 Likes	#389
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,408	At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lottery?" "I'd take my half and leave you" she says. "Great" he says. "Here's $10. I won $20 yesterday! Stay in touch."

02-23-2017, 05:40 PM - 4 Likes	#390
MarkJerling Moderator Site Supporter Join Date: May 2012 Location: Wairarapa, New Zealand Photos: Gallery \| Albums Posts: 20,408	In a remote part of the country, a strapping young farmhand was sent to the station to pick up the new school teacher who turned out to be an attractive young woman. On the way back to the farm she noticed a stallion mounting a mare. “How do they know when to do that?” she enquired. The young man explained that it was a sense of smell. In the very next paddock a bull was with a cow. “Again, it is a sense of smell,” explained the country boy. “Just like that ram and ewe over there.” They got to the farmhouse, where he unloaded her luggage and turned to go. “See you later,” he said cheerily. “Thanks,” she replied. “And do come over when your cold gets better.”